Hey guys, it’s been a while and I’m sorry for the silence. I was really busy with school stuff and FINALLY made it to Spring Break, so I was relaxing. That being said, I did have to go to Easter.
Here’s the thing to know about my family 25% of them are various flavors of Christian; 25% are outright atheist or agnostic; the rest are, as I call them, Fake Christian. We all know and roll our eyes at the Fake Christians when they spend their normal Sundays watching football, nursing hangovers, sleeping in, or letting themselves relax in various ways, never once stepping into a church unless it’s Christmas, Easter or the like. Once and while, some of them might go to church if they’re asked to go by a Real Christian, but they probably wouldn’t go otherwise.
My Dad is a Fake Christian. I spoke about him briefly in my post about gun control. I think my Dad has gone to church 15 times since he moved away from his parents house, whenever that was, though when he first moved to Washington State to be with me, he was very worried about making sure there was a church nearby. Since he’s moved here, he hasn’t gone to church except for, maybe, a wedding… it may have been a funeral, I can’t tell them apart. Same thing with my Grandma, who is an alcoholic. I have a fun family.
Now, I don’t give a shit about this, but it comes up a lot during Christmas and Easter and, if you recall, Easter just passed on by. As a Satanist, I do my best to make the best out of this stupid, confusing holiday. Basically, I love cheap chocolate covered marshmallows for a nasty amount. How cheap? 12 chocolate covered marshmallows for $1.08 after tax. I have three boxes in my freezer right now. Trust me, the cheap ones are the best. Well, these treats are pretty seasonal to Easter so I make sure to tell the Easter Bunny (AKA Mom) that I ONLY want chocolate covered marshmallows. She always delivers.
I also really enjoy hiding eggs from children and watching them find them because they’re struggling and I laugh. Since Easter fell on April 1st this year, my mom filled the eggs with either chocolate, hardboiled eggs, or raw broccoli. We also told the kids that we had hidden an egg with a $20 inside, but that was a lie. It was the best.
So, yes, I love Easter. But, at the same time, I hate Easter. I fucking hate it. So, I do try to protest it in my own little way, as you can tell by the outfit I wore to Easter. I also wore a pentagram necklace, because I do every day.
So, I hate Easter because of the previously mentioned Fake Christians because they make us pray. One time, I was dating a Hardcore Christian (Don’t ask), my Dad asked him to “say a few words” so he stood up, put his hand on my shoulder, and started praying. I was so mad I shook his arm off of me. Dad was upset about that later.
The reason I hate the Fake Christians and their forcing their Fake Christianity on us during Easter is that they don’t practice these beliefs the rest of the time, besides Christmas, and they can’t explain the bunny and eggs to me. Like, I don’t care, but when they get all high and mighty about the holiday they only care about because they want to get into an imaginary place after death and think that their god won’t notice that their fucking liars. ALSO WTF IS THE BUNNY AND THE EGGS? At least the religion you stole it from had them as the symbols of fertility, but unholy shit, none of it makes sense from the Christian standpoint. Well, other than making the pagans conform to Christian values.
But, in the end, I get chocolate covered marshmallows and that makes me happy.
Hail Chocolate Covered Marshmallows and Hail Satan, my Sweet Bunnies.