I Once Worked For A Christian Church

Okay, it wasn’t for very long. Literally only, like, three hours. But, unholy shit, what an adventure.

First of all, know that one of my jobs for a while has been as a lighting designer or technician of some sort. I’ve talked about it at length in a different post, if you’re wondering what a Theatrical Lighting Designer does.

So, there’s a saying that there’s only six people in theatre because we are so tight-knit that everybody knows somebody who knows you. Well, a friend of mine of Facebook had a friend who usually worked for a church and was going on vacation, thus needing somebody to run the lights for them.

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Lighting Designer Stuff

They said they would pay $100 per day and, back then, that was worth it to me since it would only take, as I thought, two hours out of two of my Sundays. Sure, I’ll take $200 from Christians any day. So, I took the job.

My boyfriend went with me because it was in Everett which, if you know Washington, is shitty. So, we drove from Bellingham the night before and stayed with a friend in Seattle. We ended up staying up too late and woke up feeling like crap. Honestly, we looked hung over, but we weren’t.

So we then got lost on the way to the church. We get there, and I find out that it’s not a real church, it’s a “church” that rents time from a local theatre each Sunday. Well, I get there and I find out that I’m not allowed to use half of the lights available because the theatre doesn’t want them to. Cool.

Then I find out that I can’t record cues, which is fine because I’ve free-styled lighting before, but then the pastor’s wife came up and started telling me to “save” cues and pushing between me and my instruments, which is really freaking annoying.

I knew really quickly that this wasn’t going to work because they didn’t want me, they wanted their normal lady and I was wearing a pentagram necklace. It was for a show, but whatever. Christians gonna Christian. But then something crazy happened just before people started to file in to get seated.

THEY STARTED SPEAKING IN TONGUES

I’m not kidding. Dylan and I were in the booth and they formed this circle and started swaying and praying, which is whatever, but then one of them went full crazy person. Holy crap. Half way through the stupid event the children, twins less than 8, began doing it, too. Their parents were so loud and said they could feel God within her. Ew.

But I’m here and I have to work! It ended up that I was there for three hours! Remember, I had gotten there late, so, apparently, I should have been there for four hours.

I’m sorry, but $200 isn’t enough money to spend my time with the insane.

So, after far too many songs about God trying to be cool, it was finally over and I waited quietly to get my check and go. This took 45 minutes. I suspect it’s because they had to convince the Pastor’s wife to pay me.

Well, eventually a woman who may have introduced herself to me came my direction holding a check. Luckily, I had my Satanic Bible in my purse and reached for that. As the poor girl handed me the check, I opened the book and slipped the check between the pages for safe keeping.

Let me tell you, the look on her face made me worried the check would be canceled by the time I got to the ATM down the street. It wasn’t. I never went back and they never asked me where I was, so I suppose they agreed that this was the best course of action for both parties.

The best part? When I was depositing the check, I noticed that they had paid me the entire amount in advance.

Have a great night, my Infernal Beauties.

HS!

LH

Author: imasatanistand

Member of the Church of Satan, Teacher, Lighting Designer, Cat Lover

One thought on “I Once Worked For A Christian Church”

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