I Read a Book (2/2)

Hey guys, I know I said I was going to give you my Top 5 favorite books, but I had something more exciting come in! Check it out.

If you have not read the first essay I wrote on a book this author sent me, I would go back and read that first.

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Wow, wow, wow! What a wonderful companion piece to Rascal! If the image above reminds you of the colors of the 70’s, there’s a reason for that. Drawing upon imagery of growing up in that era, the author muses over how these were the golden memories that stick out so starkly against the more common memories shrouded in darkness.

Read this book AFTER Rascal, for sure, as the first will give you a sense of what the author must have gone through, which makes The Corner Store Epiphany so powerful. It’s a story of learning to please yourself as doing what you need to do for yourself FIRST is the key to healing.

The book reminds you that the pleasures of childhood don’t need to be reserved for the early years of your life as they will always make you happy. Don’t miss out on the little joys in life, like a beautiful sunset or a particularly lovely afternoon, because you are trying to do what others tell you what they think you should be doing.

Logospilgrim once again demonstrates a mastery of words and sentence fluency that weaves between the worlds of poetry and prose that pulls you through the book at breakneck speeds.

I highly recommend reading both books in quick succession as to experience the gambit of emotions on display.

Now, join me as we sit down with the author in this edition of…

end of MY rope

Since I love this so much, I’m just going to quote for you what the About the Author section of the book says. It’s perfect.

“Logospilgrim is a writer, a secular humanist, and a gonzo maverick. These days, she writes mostly about joyful secular living and being a happy introverted tomboy. She has a degree in Religious Studies and a large toy collection. Shel;s leaning to play the ukulele, and she can juggle. She loves the 70s, making macrame, and drinking Jack Daniel’s. She’s also known as the Quiet Professor.”

You can learn more about Logospilgrim at Logospilgrim.com.

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Check out this cool cat

1) What is your relationship to the Church of Satan? 

I’ve officially been a member since the start of 2018. Incidentally, it’s been an excellent year for me so far, one of the best years of my life; thus it feels most appropriate that I became a member this year. In my active membership form, which I sent a few weeks ago, I wrote that “Being a member of the Church of Satan is like adorning the banquet table of one’s existence with a sumptuous, buttercream-laden cake (…) [It’s] a manifestation of the reverence I feel for my satanic self: my sweet, unabashed, and superbly devilish self-dedication.”

2) When did you first discover Satanism?

I knew about the existence of Satanism when I was in my late teens. I spent a great deal of time browsing in bookstores, and The Satanic Bible was always available in the Occult or New Age sections. Due to my complex life circumstances back then, I didn’t pick up the book, though I’d been interested in “dark” things since I was a child: horror movies, monsters, the mysterious, and so on. I did finally read The Satanic Bible when I was in my mid-twenties, and its philosophy strongly resonated with me, but it would take many more years before I completely emancipated myself from Judeo-Christian notions that were bound up in affective/relational issues and the legacy of a childhood marked by domestic violence; I wrote about this in my Satan Superstar article, “Golden Idol.” I recently wrote that I’ve never been on the “right side” of anything, and it’s one of the multitude of reasons Satanism suits me as it does. In the opening sequence of Aeon Flux (the animated series), the two main characters have the following exchange:

Trevor Goodchild: Whose side are you on?

Aeon Flux: I take no side.

Trevor Goodchild: You’re skating the edge.

Aeon Flux: I am the edge.

Those last words, “I am the edge,” the state of being unclassifiable, of being your own agent, this is and has always been at the core of my being. It’s been the key to my endurance and survival; it’s thanks to this that I’ve prevailed, over and over, against whatever would have extinguished my flame. I’m now at a point in my life when this flame has never burned brighter, and I have all the means I require to fully satisfy my satanic nature, to exist in accordance with my desires. Being a Satanist is a triumph of my self. One of my favorite aspects of Satanism is its “take bold delight in living your own life, on your terms” stance.

3) What item in your house brings you the most joy?

I’m a passionate collector, and love to display objects that give me pleasure. So many of my treasures bring me joy, it’s difficult to single one of them out! I love vintage toys, especially from the 1970s. My most recent acquisition is a 1975 Weebles tree house, in fantastic shape, a complete set that even includes the box; I managed to snag it for thirty bucks. This collection, to me, is Lesser Magic in action, because of the powerful effect it has on me: the process of acquiring it, and enjoying it, is a reclaiming of my own happiness, a scavenging operation wherein I’ve gone back to the past, extracted from a painful, damaging environment all that gave me joy and enabled me to survive, and in the present time these objects are imbued with added significance. They resonate with my strength and ingenuity, my determination to carve a potent lair, a free-zone for myself in the midst of a world that thrives on uniformity. On the Weebles tree house box, the toy is described as a “secret retreat,” and this is precisely what I learned to create for myself, in the far reaches of my mind, when having one’s place was forbidden. My collection is a statement: I have prevailed, and will continue doing so. To name one favorite item: I have a little vintage Avon snowman necklace hanging near my computer. Its milky-white body, like a moonstone almost, delights me to no end. When a small object like this can give you such pleasure, you are powerful indeed. It reminds me that no one could, no one can ultimately take my joy away; it’s mine, it’s self-generated, and the means I choose for attaining it are uncommon.

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4) Would you rather never have to pay for food again or get $100,000,000 per year for life?

I’d say that the $100,000,000 per annum would provide for all my needs, including dietary ones, quite nicely *laughs*

5) Tell me about your last really good day.

You know, I have really good days just about every week! Anytime I’m in my lair is a really good day. For instance, only last Saturday, another vintage treasure reached my doorstep, a rare Bert and Ernie toy (a soft buggy that looks like the inventive pair fashioned it out of whatever they could find, a garbage can, pieces of wood, old hinges, bits and bobs, rope, and I think this is hilarious, but then I have a predilection for “garbage” and junk toys), and that day I cleaned up the house a little—caring for my lair, making it comfortable, is extremely important to me—then I spent time writing, and later my spouse and I ate juicy hamburgers in our respective Total Environment havens, surrounded by what we love: a perfect day. On a day when I ventured out recently, I went to a small German restaurant to eat Viennese schnitzel with spätzle and sauerkraut (I’d never had proper German food and wanted to eat some because of a story I’m working on) and oh, that was glorious.

6) How do you like to celebrate your birthday?

Basically, I treat myself in the ways I enjoy most. This means a quiet day, because I’m an introvert and love seclusion and tranquility, and I unwrap gifts I got for myself (toys, books, films, music). Never underestimate the joy of unwrapping presents! This year was the first year I officially celebrated my birthday as the most important Satanic holiday of the year, and it was wonderful; it stretched out over a few days. I took glamorous self-portraits to highlight the occasion, savored rich pieces of cake (chocolate with a lot of buttercream), and my partner made me fine meals.

7) How did you come up with the name Logospilgrim?

It was the name I chose for myself back when I was undergoing a vital transformation inside a cocoon of sorts, around fifteen years ago. In the beginning, it had Orthodox connotations, and then, as I laboriously emerged from the now useless shell with my dazzling wings, I kept this name. I love the way it looks and sounds, but I gave it new meaning. I took it back to its roots. “Logos” comes from the Greek lógos—a word, saying, speech, discourse, thought, proportion, ratio, reckoning, akin to légein, to choose, gather, recount, tell over, speak: I’ve always been a communicator, words have always been important to me, especially the written word. “Pilgrim” is most apt as well; I’m a wanderer, but of the mind. As a writer, I spend a lot of time thinking and letting my mind wander. I’m very curious, always eager to perfect my knowledge, to learn about a variety of topics. And there is something deliciously unexpected about being a Satanist with such an incongruous name. “In the beginning was the Logos, and the Logos was with god, and the Logos was god”—I have been in my own company from the start, and I am my god. Lucifer is the true Logos.

8) Do you have any pets?

I have a cherished cat named Potion, which is a tribute to Severus Snape. I love cats because they’re both affectionate and independent. They’re excellent pets for introverts. Potion, like me, doesn’t like commotion or intrusion. He has the perfect calm environment in my home.

9) What kind of laundry detergent do you use?

My partner and I have sensitive skin, so I use a fragrance free detergent. On the other hand, we enjoy scents; a lot of incense is burned in this house, fragrant candles, and I use an oil diffuser on a regular basis. I love rich, earthy perfumes that include scents like vanilla, frankincense and myrrh, clove, spices… I recently got a sample of a perfume called Lavs Unum (worn by two popes), and it’s exquisitely decadent.

10) What is your favorite of the Seven Deadly Sins?

Pride, definitely. One must possess intelligent pride, not counterproductive pride, obviously, but when someone had to deal with abusive situations, emotional vampires, psychological damage, filling one’s chalice to the brim with pride is a fierce and most effective cure. Pride is the foundation of all other “Deadly Sins”—of humanity at its most primal, and at its most sophisticated. Pride is the root of self-preservation; it’s an inner friend that lets us know what’s right for us, what we should pursue, what we should walk away from; if we’re the sort of individuals who are capable of and profit from sound introspection, its instruction heightens our self-awareness. Pride is what connects us to self-respect; it’s a crown, a sword, and a shield; it inspires us to be the utmost of what we can be.

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That’s all today, folks! Take some time to check out these books and I promise my list is coming. I must say it’s REALLY hard to pick only five.

Have a wonderful day, my Darling Devils!

HS!

LH

Families Belong Together

So, if you’re following the news at all you have heard of what’s going on at our southern border. If not, let me give you a little bit of a recap.

NPR states: “Since early May, 2,342 children have been separated from their parents after crossing the Southern U.S. border, according to the Department of Homeland Security, as part of a new immigration strategy by the Trump administration that has prompted widespread outcry.”

The children are taken from the families, though we don’t have information on how or who is taking them, and they are being put in holding areas that are basically cages with few amenities and little time outside.

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Taken from NPR who received it fromU.S. Customs and Border Protection’s Rio Grande Valley Sector via AP

Today I was at DnD with a few of my friends, one of which is a conservative and a Fake Christian. One person who also comes is my Ex, who I’ve spoken about in a previous post, and he is a conservative and a Hardcore Christian. Not long after I arrived today they started chatting about how what is happening at the border is a good thing. They said these people don’t have rights.

I asked for the conversation to stop and was told to shut up.

Wow. Instead of just having a nice night and playing our game, they decided to disrespect me and condone child abuse. So, I left. I don’t deserve to be treated like shit for being a human with a heart. oh, and if you’re wondering, they’re both white dudes.

What amazed me the most in this situation was the total disregard for the philosophy on which they were raised. They claim to want to go to heaven to meet God and to do so they must obey the laws of God. I’m sorry, but I don’t think God is going to be very happy with the people separating families and abusing “His” children.

God wants you to love one another and be kind, if my readings are correct, and Christians always claim to be good people. Yeah? Prove it. Because all I am seeing from your people is hate. Those assholes who love guns are always Christian. The Bible is being used to justify these abhorrent human rights violations.

“Oh, but Lauren, I’M not one of those people and I’m a Christian!” Well, first off, this is an interesting blog for you to read. Second off, you need to do better. You need to speak out LOUDLY for what you do believe instead of allowing these people to represent you.

Let’s pretend for a moment that God is real, just for fun. Let’s also say that Tim and I die at the same time and reach the gates of heaven together, both awaiting judgment. Who do you think will get into heaven? The Christian who never once tried to do anything to benefit the world in any way but thinks child abuse is okay. He jokes often about rape and, as I can tell you from experience, is exactly what you imagine when you think of White Male privilege. Or do you think God will allow in the Satanist who contributed to the world and is doing all she can to make these horrors stop. I can’t do much, but I’m making my voice heard. Call your representatives, kids.

Personally, I think God would send Tim straight to hell. I don’t think “God created the universe” so that some people could be cruel to others. I think God would be livid. Fuck, he’d probably be pissed about borders in general since it’s all one world and we are “all his children”.

But God isn’t real. Nor Allah, nor Thor, nor the Flying Spaghetti Monster. We are real. You and I and we have a responsibility to do as much as we can do fix this. Those children are real and they are scared and alone.

So, what happens next? When will we start really fighting back? I get it, I’m sure there’s more I could do, though I don’t have the means at the moment, but as soon as people start taking to the streets, I’m there. As soon as I have the means, I will aid in any way I can. I want to be able to go down there and comfort those babies but I can’t. I want to be able to make it all stop, but I can’t. Not alone.

If all of the atrocities occurring are fine with you then you have a lower moral standard than a Satanist and I’m sure you’re the kind of person who would be pissed by that.

Do good, my Darling Devils.

HS!

LH

I Read a Book (Part 1/2)

So, I was sent two books and I was going to cover both in one post, but I just finished the first and I HAVE to talk about it RIGHT NOW.

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Read it. Now.

I loved this book for so, so many reasons and I tried to keep track of it all as I was reading in my little bits of spare time. Unholy crap it is wonderful.

Just a little background: This was sent to me by Logospilgrim, a writer with a degree in Religious Studies, which sounds like a really interesting field. If you want to pick up this book and others, check out her website Logospilgrim.com.

So, to be honest, I went into this blind and couldn’t tell right away if this was fiction or nonfiction. The reason why I thought it might be fiction was because it almost read as if it were an account of an angel of God who had escaped and turned towards Satan. Seriously, it’s really good.

It became clear to me quickly that this was not a work of fiction and then I fell in love with the text in a whole new way. First off, it reads more as Prose Poetry than anything else, which I love because it allows the words to take on new power. In the areas of self-acceptance, the words are pleasing in mouth feel and are sonically kind.  They tend to lean towards the multi-sylballic romantic. When talking about religions and abuse, the words become sharp and hard, living in the short, Anglo-Saxon area of the vocabulary.

The book speaks on behalf in the necessity of the Seven Deadly Sins in life and how allowing yourself to indulge in each is the key to feeling free to be yourself. It blurs the lines between abuse and religions, drawing comparisons between God and a person who is mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive. Also a perfect Alien reference thrown in there, which is great.

The influence of Anton LaVey can’t be denied as one reads through a beautiful account of learning to re-accept and love yourself. If you’re playing with the idea of Satanism or are a Satanist and you’re also dealing with abuse or learning to heal now that you’re free, I recommend this book with all my heart. As I have said in previous posts, I was abused, and I see my story, like I know so many others will, as I read this books. I also see my healing and my path to becoming even more whole.

So, thank you, Logos, for sharing this story with me. I can’t wait to get to the next one. Her Infernal Interview will accompany the next review.

To Vital Existence.

HS!

LH

 

IMPORTANT EDIT: If you are in an abusive relationship or need help of ANY KIND, you can probably find a service on this List of Hotlines. It may be scary or hard, but the first step in these situations are always hard, but the first step needs to happen.

God Failed Me.

I know God isn’t real so the title of this blog might seem a little strange but it is going to make sense in the end. If you watched my recent video with Reverend Campbell you might remember me saying that I had only been a Satanist for about a year and a half now and a Citizen of the Infernal Empire since February 2018.

I’ve been thinking about these answers and figures and I realize that I need to elaborate a little bit. So, I think it’s time to tell you guys a story. It’s a sad story, but it has a happy ending. It’s going to cover a lot of ground, but I promise it won’t be too long.

My parents met in late in 1992 when my Mom was on her way to Dairy Queen and Dad was out driving with his friend. He was in Washington State for the Navy and was out looking for a party when he was blonde hair in a car and thought she might be going to one. Well, when they got to DQ, they met, and it must have been love at first sight because I was born during April 1994. My parents got married not long after finding out Mom was pregnant and not long after I was born my parents moved back to Pennsylvania where my Dad is from.

A year after that, my parents got a divorce. To be totally honest, I don’t know exactly why. Mom has said things like they were too young and were in different places in life and crap like that, but I know better. My Dad was too young to be a Dad and Mom had to step up and do it all. She did just that. My Mom is a bad ass woman and it might be easy to blame the rest of this story on her, but I don’t and if you say something bad about my Mom I will freak out. She’s an amazing woman and everything I hope to be one day.

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Christmas a few years ago

So, Mom and I went back to Washington to be with her side of the family. She worked a lot and my grandma would take care of me or my aunt or family friends. Mom had a few short-term boyfriends who I don’t remember after my Dad, but they never worked out. Then she met a person who we will call Sam.

Mom was with Sam for 17 of my 19 years and Sam is the father of my Half-Sister and Half-Brother. I love those kids so much and am thankful they are here; Don’t forget that during the rest of this story.

Sam abused my Mom and I. After my Sister was born, everything changed with him. He started drinking all night, every night. He drove us to Christmas dinner after drinking a fifth of vodka. He gambled away our money until we got evicted from house after house after house. Mom used to have to take us an hour away to find him because he was too drunk and out of money. One time, when my Dad called, Sam picked up and told him his daughter had two black eyes.

Sam once forced me to pee my pants. He refused to let me use a toilet and then laughed at me and made me clean it up and then worse. Then my sweet little brother was born. Nothing changed. I have internal and external scars from Sam that I will always carry. There were many times when I thought I was going to die and sometimes that was okay.

I have a semi-religious family. They took me to church sometimes, mostly when I was back east, and while I was never a Christian, I did try to reach God. When I was locked in a closet all day, I prayed all day. After a knife cut a deep, red line across my skin, I prayed until the bleeding stopped. I was desperate and alone and I was willing to try anything, so I prayed.

Nothing happened. Nothing changed. My Mom was the one who saved me in the end because she had taken enough. She had been trying to do her best for my little Brother and Sister, but she knew nothing would be good for them if she were dead. I had also finally told her the extend of the abuse I had faced at Sam’s hand. She had no idea.

In the middle of the night one night, we grabbed everything and we left. We took the animals and enough clothing to get us through a week. I went to school though nobody else went to their normal activities because school was a haven for me, even though I had to worked through abuse from me peers there. I worked my ass of and ended up going to college during school because I knew I needed to succeed. That would mean I had won.

Not long after all this, my Mom married my Dad again and they are still married to this day. It was a hard transition for my Sister and Brother, as well as myself, because we were all on edge. I’m still hand-shy. Sam tried his best to break us, though. He got us evicted and lied so my Dad would lose his job. I was, for some reason, followed by the police because of him.

But we are here now and we have all won. I am a teacher and a professional Lighting Designer. My Mom works in the same school district as I do and Dad is a tower crane operator. My sister is going to WSU and my Brother is my student so I can check his grades and he is currently getting all A’s.

Sam works at a casino, which is fine, but also has 3 DUIs and is massively in debt. Well, I think he should have 3 but only has 1 because he wiggled his way out of them.

We won.

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Dad, Me, and Mom on my birthday a year ago

What I am trying to get at here is that I’ve always been a Satanist, even when I was praying in a closet for hours. It madam realize that the only person who can save you is yourself. You can get help from friends and family like I did, but you have to ask and you have to make it known you need help. I kept myself alive and anybody who tries to tell me God helped can kiss my clitoris because it was me; Me and My Mom and my family.

I’m not looking for sympathy or tears here because I’ve had a wonderful life thus far. I’ve traveled the country in 18-wheeler trucks and learned to bowl in Wyoming. The guy who taught me had 3 fingers and that’s all he could do anymore. I’ve seen more stars in the sky than I could even imagine because I was so far out in the middle of nowhere. I taught myself a piece of My Heart Will Go On while in Florida on the edge of a hurricane. I’ve seen Hamilton! I get to be a teacher and be in love with my Best Friend. I get to have a wonderful family who will always love me. I get to live in the most beautiful state in the USA. I’ve traveled in tug boat and have flown in so many airplanes that I can feel us starting our decent before the pilot even announces it.

Yeah, I’ve had a wonderful life. I’ve done a lot already and I’m only 24! I can’t wait to see where I take myself next in life.

Hae a great rest of your Sunday, my Sweet Satanists!

HS!

LH

I’m Bisexual

Sexuality is something very personal and it’s hard to put a clean label on anybody. Now, this is where some people start rolling their eyes as far back into their head as they can and to them, I say this: Shut the fuck up.

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My Senior Photo

Yeah, shut the fuck up, because you’re just being ridiculous. One thing I’ve never been able to wrap my head around is the fact that some people are willing to spend so much energy on something that literally doesn’t impact their lives in any way.

Let me give an example: I don’t like cheese. I don’t! It just tastes funny to me and I can only eat in warm on things like pizza and mac. People always give me funny looks when I say I don’t like cheese, but then shrug and pop another bit of cheese bit of cheese in their mouth. Now, what they could do is throw me out of the house and never let me back in. That seems a little crazy, but it’s basically what a lot of parents do to their kids when they find out the truth. “Oh, you don’t like dick? Get the fuck out”.

When I sleep with a girl or find myself checking out a girl, the only people I am directly affecting are me and the girl. Now, since I have a boyfriend, Dylan would have some opinions, but he’s not in this hypothetical universe. (Sorry, Darling). Anybody else who is reacting to the happenings between me any another person is choosing to spend their energy focused on our lives and aren’t actively trying to better their own lives. Well, as long as nobody is being physically hurt (without consent) and everybody involved has agreed to participating.

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Grandma and I blowing bubbles

Basically, we don’t need your shit because we are already drowning in our own. For most people, as I will never claim to speak for everybody, when we start having feelings for the same-sex (or whatever), we try to push it down. We were taught it’s not normal. Sometimes this is taught directly through religion or family values. By family values, I mean a homophobic parental unit who likes to use terms such as “faggots” or “homos”. These are the people who don’t want to let Trans people use the bathroom that matches their identity, but will beat them up for having the audacity to wear lipstick in the “Men’s room”.

Most often, though, we are taught to feel abnormal about these feelings indirectly. This takes the form of movies, shows, books, etc. We see happy heterosexual couples and the gay friend is always the butt of some joke. We hear phrases like “no homo, bro” because having these feelings MUST be so bad that you have to make sure people know you’re not gay.

It’s hard to walk through the world with all of these negative messages hitting you all the time. You start to push everything down and you hate yourself. This is why a lot of teens attempt suicide, and, sadly, a lot succeed in taking their own lives.

When I was going through school, I got a lot of shit for the way I presented myself and, once I came out, the fact that I was bisexual. Everybody thought it was a phase, including my mom. To be fair, a lot of people were saying they were bi so they would get attention. Again, not everybody, but a lot. People also bullied me by not talking to me, spreading rumors, spitting on me, slamming my locker, pushing me, and more I’m sure I’m forgetting. It wasn’t a great time.

But I got through it! I survived every awful day of childhood. Even when my mom didn’t believe me and I felt alone, I made it. That’s what matter. Adulthood is… different. I’m lucky to live in a really accepting area of the United States, so I don’t get a lot of hate here. What I do get is people who fetishize me. Oh yeah, Bisexual people are often asked to be part of group sex or sex with somebody’s partner while “they watch”. Please stop asking me to be part of your fantasy. I don’t sleep around and am actually a serial monogamist. I’m not shitting on other people who are fine with this and o sleep around, you do you, but I don’t want it. That’s why you should, I don’t know have some tact and let me finish my god damn drink, Carl!

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Oh my god…

Where I work, however, is a little more conservative in thinking. They’re mostly old farmers who go to church on Easter and Christmas. I tend to just keep my mouth shut in these areas, unless somebody starts spewing utter crap. Then I’ll chime in as a fact-checker. I’m not ashamed of who I am, I just don’t want to waste my time and energy on fighting a battle nobody will win. Honestly, we just need to wait for a lot of these people to die… Sorry. *Enter “Hard To Swallow Pills” Meme Here*

In the end, it’s just important to know who you are and love that person. You are perfect, no matter what. If you have no sex, cool. If you have all the sex, cool. If you like guys, cool. If you like trans guys, cool. If you don’t like romantic relations, cool. If you are attracted to all the things, cool. If you like only your opposite sex, cool. If you have multiple partners at once, cool.

I literally don’t care. It doesn’t impact my life in any way because I’m not worried about what anybody else is doing in the bedroom, as long as it’s all consensual and safe. Be smart, kids. Anybody who stays up late trying to figure out how to make the gays stop doing their own thing is spending too much energy on something that literally wouldn’t affect their life if they didn’t let it.

All this being said, if you need support in any way, feel free to email me. No matter what.

Have a wonderful Saturday, my Delicious Devils!

HS!

LH

I Am Beautiful!

Hell, yeah, I’m willing to say it. I’m a pretty person! I don’t mean to sound full of myself, but that’s exactly what this post is going to sound like because it’d about loving yourself, which is taking me a long time to do. Yeah, I’m still in the progress of accepting myself as pretty because I was told for so long that I wasn’t.

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Me, age 17, and Harper

From a very young age, around 6, I was told I was ugly. My former Stepdad was very abusive and always made me feel very low. At the same time, my peers weren’t any kinder. I was growing into my body and didn’t yet fit the image of what was beautiful. I was trying to figure out who I was, how I wanted to present myself, and where I fit into the world. As a woman, this is really hard. I was expected to be smart and funny and sporty and kind and this and that and it was so much pressure. My Mom was the only person who made me feel loved.

My grandma, an alcoholic, once told me I should never have children because I was so bad with kids. Yeah, I was 13. I wasn’t even good with myself yet. These things start to eat at a person and soon I wondered if I was even worth the oxygen I was breathing. I wasn’t pretty enough or smart enough. I couldn’t be a mom. What else is there in the world?

At age 15 I tried to end my life by taking a metric butt-ton of sleeping pills. One they started to take, I regretted everything. My boyfriend’s mom saw that something was very wrong and took me to the hospital. I’m eternally grateful to her since I love the life I have now so much.

My Mom left my former step dad in the middle of the night and that was the best day of my life. I had a new begging. I could be my own person without hate or persecution. After that, I thrived.

I was able to get the help and medication I needed, which gave me the drive to start learning and really taking care of myself. It’s only as of late that I’ve started to think of myself as a pretty person. My love, Dylan, who I’ve spoken about previously, has helped me so much in my journey to love myself. He’s helped me love my flaws because they make me who I am.

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Me now (April 2018)

I’m still working on loving myself entirely because I seem to keep finding things about myself I dislike each day. But each day, I see something else that’s beautiful. I’m not perfect, but that’s what makes me amazing. Self acceptance is an important part of enjoying your life, but Self Appreciation is even more valuable. Appreciate the parts of yourself you find immaculate. I, for one, love my eyes because they’re dark blue, light blue, green, and orange. That’s awesome! But, also learn to appreciate your flaws. For example, I have a huge nose bump, but I love it, because it shows that I have Viking blood and that dope AF.

I love you all, my Infernal Brothers and Sisters, and I hope you do, too.

HS!

LH

 

I’m Depressed

Don’t worry, it’s okay, I’m not here for sympathy. I want to, instead, just talk about it and maybe make depression seem a little less scary.

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Me looking dope as shit paying RockBand

There are many reasons I could point to as to why I’m depressed, but the biggest one is biology and chemistry. My Dad suffers from depression and so does my grandma on my mom’s side. Actually, a lot of people on my mom’s side have a lot of issues. Basically, this was the way I was made and I have to live with it, which is exactly what I do. I live. I don’t mean this in the basic sense of the word such as simply breathing and eating, but I do what I enjoy and try to see life as positive– something I’m really bad at when I’m not medicated.

Oh yeah, I totally need medication. This is also, by the way, okay, because it means that you are taking the steps needed in order to focus your energy on more productive projects such as making art, furthering your career, spending more time with your family, or whatever it is you enjoy doing. If I don’t have it, I think about awful things like crashing my car into a tree on the freeway. I don’t really want to, but I think about it.

I also have anxiety. This manifests itself in the super fun way of making me sick. I finally figured out a morning/night regiment off medication that allows me to avoid getting sick usually, but it does still happen if I’m really stressed out. Basically, I wake up and just vomit for about ten minutes. It got to be so normal that I scheduled it into my routine.

Another way the anxiety and depression affects my life is through insomnia. I sometimes only get three to five hours of sleep each night, feeling exhausted all through the day, before finally waking up at night and not being able to fall asleep until three in the morning. In order to help myself fall asleep, I eat a bowl of oatmeal, have a small drink, and watch some Bob Ross. It may sound hokey, but it works for me.

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Crazy Hair Day in… 5th grade?

If I do end up being able to fall asleep, I may end up waking up in the middle of the night due to night terrors from PTSD. Here’s the basic rundown of that: My mom and dad met and got pregnant with me so they got married, had me, and divorced. Dad had many girlfriends but never remarried. Mom didn’t either but she only had one really longterm partner. Let’s call him Greg. Greg is the father of my little brother and little sister, both half siblings, and I love them so much it hurts. Well, he mentally, physically, and emotionally abused me for 17 years. After my Dad moved back to Washington from Wyoming, Mom left Greg (not because of this, just a happy accident). My Mom and Dad, after a long few years of drama with Greg, including Greg causing my Dad to get fired, my parents got remarried. It sounds great, but it’s been strange and we are all still learning.

All in all, my life hasn’t been easy, but damn it could make a movie. I’m not sad about anything that happened in my life, nor would I change anything, and I think that may be one of the reasons I’m a Satanist. I use my hardships to create strength and knowledge. I want to change the world because of what I went through. Mental Health is really important to me because I’ve been unable to access it before and life was really hard to get through. But I did it.

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My first MySpace profile picture vs Now

But look at me now! I’m a teacher and a professional lighting designer who just turned 24 years old. I am living with the love of my life and have two cats who are as dear to me as children. I have crazy hair! I have a loving family and a bed to sleep in and food to eat, should I ever get off the couch today.

I wouldn’t change a thing about my past, or anything about me, because I like who I am now, and that’s all that matters.

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Always remember…

HS!

LH

PS. I’m always here when you need me.