So Can You!

Okay, I straight up stole that title from Stephen Colbert’s I Am America (And So Can You!), which is a really fun book and can be found here. I highly, highly recommend it if you haven’t read it yet.

But that’s not why we are here! Oh, no, I’m here because I feel the need to tell you about how Satanic you are. Don’t worry, I’m not trying to get you to join the Church of Satan or start calling yourself a Satanist because, odds are, you’re not. But damn, people these days are so Satanic that it makes me laugh when they shit on the Church of Satan.

First off, lets me real, you are all selfish. Yeah, it’s true. Don’t worry, I am, too. Obviously I want the best for me because I have to live my life, not you. Thus, if you really don’t matter to me, then I’ll probably help myself before I help you. It’s nothing personal, I just don’t know 99.9% of the people on Earth.

This is not to say I don’t like to be kind, it’s just for a selfish reasons that I help people. For example, If I have enough money during the holidays, I like to get a few chicken meals (including potatoes, bread, a veggie, and a drink) and give them to homeless people I see around town. I can’t do it very often, but I like doing it because it makes me feel good. Yeah, I am owning up to it. I do things people would consider “philanthropic” because I like the feeling of seeing people happy for something I did.

I also don’t NOT care about people on Earth I don’t know, I do, I just need to take care of me and the people around me before I help the rest of the universe. And my selfishness extends to those close to me. I’d be disappointed if a coworker gets a promotion over my Mother or if my Little Sister got her heart-broken. My friends live within my circle of selfishness, as does my partner. Sound familiar?

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From The Church of Satan Free Downloads

Now, I’ll give you a moment to read all the way through the above picture. Okay, now do it again. Most of them seem like pretty common sense and that’s because they have been carefully constructed to mathematically– No I’m shitting with you, they are just basic common sense. So let’s look at these one by one.

1- This one may be the one I wish most Non-Satanists would learn because it really annoys me when people try to fix things for me when all I need for them to do is listen. Does that make sense? If a friend/coworker/family member/ whatever and I are talking and they ask about a problem I may be having. If I decide to confide it them, I don’t need them to fix whatever is happening, but just listen. If I want to know how you’d fix it, I’ll ask.

2- This is just an extension of the first. Don’t just start telling me about your Sister’s affair out of nowhere, Brenda, all you did was hand me a divider at the Fred Meyer checkout line.

3- I love the word “Lair” in this because it sounds so dark, but it really just means somebody’s space. I say SPACE and not HOUSE because I consider several spaces an extension of my lair. These spaces include my office, my classroom, my personal space, and my car. Don’t touch the stereo.

4- I love the wording in this one, too, because it makes it seem as though I’m going to be throwing somebody in my oven for sneezing on my face. No, but if you sneeze on my face a few times I might as you to leave. If you don’t, then you might be thrown into the oven… Kidding. (Or am I?)

5- THIS IS SO IMPORTANT! Nothing sexual unless you’ve been given consent. I like “Mating Signal” because when I am dating somebody, we can pretty much give consent by using body language and I always make sure whomever I am with knows that they can stop or say no anytime they way. Never force things on people.

6- Don’t steal… Just don’t steal…

7- This one may be the only one that Non-Satanists won’t nod their head at. The way I explain this is as follows: We use the placeholder word “Magic” to describe something we don’t yet have a name for in science. That being said, if you perform a ritual and it goes the way you want, tip your hat to the Devil.

I say magic may also be real, but very small, like being able to make the best cup of coffee in the office even though the water comes from the same place and the beans are the same. (If you’re a high-ranking CoS Member and I am WAAAY off, please tell me).

8- Oh I love this one so much. Have an awful friend who is sucking the life out of you but you keep going back for some reason, you don’t get to complain. Get rid of that Psychic Vampire and move on. Didn’t bother to vote? Then shut up. Start doing something about it.

9- Come on…

10- Again, this is easy. Animal is attacking you? Do anything you can to survive. Starving? Kill an animal to survive. Satanism is a life-loving religion. That being said, don’t hurt animals.

11- Like the first Rule of the Earth, this one is really important. Leave people alone in public and if somebody starts bugging you, tell them to stop. If they don’t leave you be when you ask nicely, SET THEM ON FIRE- No, don’t do that. BUT at that point you are allowed to get mean… or meaner. Just make sure you’re within your rights. Don’t break any laws.

SEE! A lot of these things are common sense to good people! Satanists are good people and a lot of good people are very Satanic, though not Satanists. Remember, Satanists are born, not made.

This is why I get pissed when people look at me in horror or stop talking to me when they find out I’m a member of the Church of Satan because they think I’m dancing with the Devil while eating babies and sacrificing cats. Just do some research and you’ll realize that all I am guilty of is being awesome.

Have a wonderful Walpurgisnacht, my Dearest Devils!

HS!

From Hell,

LH

I Don’t Sacrifice Animals

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Albert Asmodeus Einstein with his lip stuck

Meet my sweet kittens! They are my little fur babies and I spoil them to a disgusting degree. They have dry food at all times and get wet food twice per day; They get treats and various toys, though they prefer used ear swabs and tampon wrappers. I got them a year and a half apart and both off of Craigslist.

(I promise this isn’t just a post about my cats. There’s some substance at the bottom)

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Edwin Lucifer Hubble asleep with his tongue out

My boyfriend and I let these cats walk all over us. Literally, it doesn’t matter what we are doing, as long as we are sitting down, one of the cats is laying on one of use, or trying to lay on one of us. Edwin, the elder, is quiet but pushy, which is really cute. He comes up silently beside you and will attempt to walk into whatever part of your lap, stomach, or chest he can squeeze onto. If you allow him access, he will start laying down. This process can take up to three minutes as he tries to find the best place to lay. if you DENY him access, he will push and then back off and try another angle and push from there. Sometimes, he pretends to leave so that he can get your guard down and then jumps up out of nowhere and you’ve lost. I literally went through this at the beginning of this paragraph.

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“Damn it, Edwin”

Albert, my sweet kitten, is so loud. He, too will approach calmly, as Edwin does, seeking to lay down peacefully. If you allow him access, he will lay down quickly and purr his heart out. He also will move constantly because he gets excited about getting love. if you don’t just let him on, he will yell at you and ram his head into you until you submit. And you will. He is still small enough to work around so you end up getting more done with him on you than you would getting yelled at the whole time.

Our boys are big talkers normally and like to just randomly yell at things like posters, the toilet, us or each other. They’re really sweet and will sometimes sleep together, but prefer to sleep with us during the night and play during the day, with some naps sprinkled in. When we are gone, they can get a little naughty. Well, a lot naughty.

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Albert gazing upon his latest kill

Just yesterday, we were around for one of their crazy times and Edwin fell over the open gate of their sun room and Albert flew off the counter, apparently aiming for the fridge, and ended up smacking flat onto the door. It was great. Also, their little sun room is a dog crate that I put them in to take them outside. As I’ve said, they’re very spoiled. They also get cat grass sometimes, but not all of the time because they like to just rip it out of the dirt.

My boyfriend and I are never alone in the house. Either one or both of them will fallow us from room to room, even going so far as to wait by the door when we leave.

Our bathroom door is broken and in order to keep the cats from coming in, we open one of the drawers. This means that the door is still about an inch open and, despite having failed many times, the boys will try to squeeze their little faces through to be with who ever is in there. It’s really funny and really sweet.

All in all, this post could have just been “I love my cats” end of story, but I wanted to introduce them to the world because they’re so unique. My cats are the best cats. But I also wanted to talk about the fact that people think Satanists sacrifice animals in rituals. No. We don’t and I don’t appreciate being tagged as an animal murderer by people. Well, unless you’re vegan because that doesn’t count. But, seriously, animals are far better than people in every way and I go to great lengths to avoid hurting all animals. Once, I changed lanes to avoid hitting a toad. The only thing I can think that humans have over animals is tacos. Besides, all the animal abusers and killers I’ve ever known were of faith.

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Waiting to watch somebody pee

FUN FACT: When I was dating a Hardcore Chrtistian, he told me how he wants his wedding to be. No guests, just one witness, a preacher, and the two to be wed. (Now, I don’t remember all of the animals involed, but i’ll do my best). He said it must be in a field in a valley. There, the groom with cut the enimals in half and drags a half to each side of the valley so that the blood runs down into the middle. Some of the animals I remember are an ox, a lamb, a pigeon, and a dove. I know there were more, but I can’t remember them. Then the couple will stand on one side of the river of blood and the holy man will be on the other. The couple would then say some words, which I don’t remember because fuck that, the pastor tells them to say, walking through the blood as they do. When the are done, they will be married to each other and to God. Then the animals will be cooked and eaten at a party with friends and family.

I promise you this is true. Hand on my Science textbook and takeout menu. If somebody reads this and gets all up in arms over it, then I don’t know what to tell you, because he was a hardcore CRC member and apparently insane. Satanist, as I’ve said before, don’t animals unless in danger or for food. Satanists don’t need to stoop to such pathetic levels in order to perform successful rituals.

So, people might want to update their beliefs on where evil really lives in the world.

Enjoy your Sunday. I’m going to get some tacos and I’ll be back tomorrow for my birthday!

HS!

LH