Good evening, my lovelies. Since it is going into spring time, I began to think about growth and new beginnings. Spring time is when animals start having their new babies and trees start getting new buds on their branches. With this idea of growth and renewal in mind, I decided to interview a member of the Church of Satan who is going through a process of redefining and growing into themselves. Put your hands together for a friend of I’m a Satanist And… Gwen!
All that being said, I am so very thankful to Gwen for being the latest installment in…
1) How’s life?
Better than I could have ever imagined since starting to transition, I didn’t know what I was missing out on!
2) Have you had any interesting or exciting experiences since starting transitioning?
More “funny” than interesting, I’ve had people not notice the physical changes, despite them being very obvious (along with me wearing female clothing etc).
One conversation I basically asked them if they’d noticed the changes, they said “your hair is longer?” – and I had to point at my tits (seriously) until they clicked that it was more than just hair being longer.
I was wearing a long flowing dress at the time too…..
3) Will how you celebrate your birthday change this year?
I haven’t decided fully yet, but something to do with 32-bit computing and femaleness – I’m still a geek at heart
4) What’s your favorite way to relax after a long day?
Coding something (currently working on an OS kernel), a bit of gaming or TV – often with a nice cold drink and a snack.
5) What do you say to Satanists who are anti-LGBTQA+?
“You aren’t Satanists” – seriously, people who don’t get that obviously never read LaVey’s work.
6) What did you grow up masterbating to? (Reader submitted: feel free to submit your own in the comments!)
I plead the 5th!
Ok, a few random girls I liked in school (sidenote: that held me back for years, I thought i couldn’t be trans cos I liked girls) and Sarah Michelle Gellar and a few other random celebs.
7) What’s the biggest change in your daily life thus far since beginning to transition?
Practical stuff mainly – taking my HRT meds (not a big change really, I already swallowed a bunch of nootropics and supplements daily for health reasons), different clothing, and applying makeup if I’m going out somewhere.
8) Has your relationship with the Church of Satan changed since your began the transition process?
Not yet, I haven’t got a formal diagnosis of gender dysphoria yet, once I have that i’ll be applying for a new card.
9) What’s the stupidest driving law in the place in which you (generally) live?
Not a clue, I don’t drive.
10) What is your favorite guilty pleasure song you would never admit to anyone else? (Reader submitted: feel free to submit your own in the comments!)
crawling by Linkin park – edgy emo teenage crap, but I first heard it when I was a very emo teenager, and if you watch the video it kinda makes sense why I related to it……..
I hope you are all having a great day and enjoyed this installment in The Infernal Interviews! I’ll see you soon, my darlings.
Hey guys, I know I said I was going to give you my Top 5 favorite books, but I had something more exciting come in! Check it out.
If you have not read the first essay I wrote on a book this author sent me, I would go back and read that first.
Wow, wow, wow! What a wonderful companion piece to Rascal! If the image above reminds you of the colors of the 70’s, there’s a reason for that. Drawing upon imagery of growing up in that era, the author muses over how these were the golden memories that stick out so starkly against the more common memories shrouded in darkness.
Read this book AFTER Rascal, for sure, as the first will give you a sense of what the author must have gone through, which makes The Corner Store Epiphany so powerful. It’s a story of learning to please yourself as doing what you need to do for yourself FIRST is the key to healing.
The book reminds you that the pleasures of childhood don’t need to be reserved for the early years of your life as they will always make you happy. Don’t miss out on the little joys in life, like a beautiful sunset or a particularly lovely afternoon, because you are trying to do what others tell you what they think you should be doing.
Logospilgrim once again demonstrates a mastery of words and sentence fluency that weaves between the worlds of poetry and prose that pulls you through the book at breakneck speeds.
I highly recommend reading both books in quick succession as to experience the gambit of emotions on display.
Now, join me as we sit down with the author in this edition of…
Since I love this so much, I’m just going to quote for you what the About the Author section of the book says. It’s perfect.
“Logospilgrim is a writer, a secular humanist, and a gonzo maverick. These days, she writes mostly about joyful secular living and being a happy introverted tomboy. She has a degree in Religious Studies and a large toy collection. Shel;s leaning to play the ukulele, and she can juggle. She loves the 70s, making macrame, and drinking Jack Daniel’s. She’s also known as the Quiet Professor.”
1) What is your relationship to the Church of Satan?
I’ve officially been a member since the start of 2018. Incidentally, it’s been an excellent year for me so far, one of the best years of my life; thus it feels most appropriate that I became a member this year. In my active membership form, which I sent a few weeks ago, I wrote that “Being a member of the Church of Satan is like adorning the banquet table of one’s existence with a sumptuous, buttercream-laden cake (…) [It’s] a manifestation of the reverence I feel for my satanic self: my sweet, unabashed, and superbly devilish self-dedication.”
2) When did you first discover Satanism?
I knew about the existence of Satanism when I was in my late teens. I spent a great deal of time browsing in bookstores, and The Satanic Bible was always available in the Occult or New Age sections. Due to my complex life circumstances back then, I didn’t pick up the book, though I’d been interested in “dark” things since I was a child: horror movies, monsters, the mysterious, and so on. I did finally read The Satanic Bible when I was in my mid-twenties, and its philosophy strongly resonated with me, but it would take many more years before I completely emancipated myself from Judeo-Christian notions that were bound up in affective/relational issues and the legacy of a childhood marked by domestic violence; I wrote about this in my Satan Superstar article, “Golden Idol.” I recently wrote that I’ve never been on the “right side” of anything, and it’s one of the multitude of reasons Satanism suits me as it does. In the opening sequence of Aeon Flux (the animated series), the two main characters have the following exchange:
Trevor Goodchild: Whose side are you on?
Aeon Flux: I take no side.
Trevor Goodchild: You’re skating the edge.
Aeon Flux: I am the edge.
Those last words, “I am the edge,” the state of being unclassifiable, of being your own agent, this is and has always been at the core of my being. It’s been the key to my endurance and survival; it’s thanks to this that I’ve prevailed, over and over, against whatever would have extinguished my flame. I’m now at a point in my life when this flame has never burned brighter, and I have all the means I require to fully satisfy my satanic nature, to exist in accordance with my desires. Being a Satanist is a triumph of my self. One of my favorite aspects of Satanism is its “take bold delight in living your own life, on your terms” stance.
3) What item in your house brings you the most joy?
I’m a passionate collector, and love to display objects that give me pleasure. So many of my treasures bring me joy, it’s difficult to single one of them out! I love vintage toys, especially from the 1970s. My most recent acquisition is a 1975 Weebles tree house, in fantastic shape, a complete set that even includes the box; I managed to snag it for thirty bucks. This collection, to me, is Lesser Magic in action, because of the powerful effect it has on me: the process of acquiring it, and enjoying it, is a reclaiming of my own happiness, a scavenging operation wherein I’ve gone back to the past, extracted from a painful, damaging environment all that gave me joy and enabled me to survive, and in the present time these objects are imbued with added significance. They resonate with my strength and ingenuity, my determination to carve a potent lair, a free-zone for myself in the midst of a world that thrives on uniformity. On the Weebles tree house box, the toy is described as a “secret retreat,” and this is precisely what I learned to create for myself, in the far reaches of my mind, when having one’s place was forbidden. My collection is a statement: I have prevailed, and will continue doing so. To name one favorite item: I have a little vintage Avon snowman necklace hanging near my computer. Its milky-white body, like a moonstone almost, delights me to no end. When a small object like this can give you such pleasure, you are powerful indeed. It reminds me that no one could, no one can ultimately take my joy away; it’s mine, it’s self-generated, and the means I choose for attaining it are uncommon.
4) Would you rather never have to pay for food again or get $100,000,000 per year for life?
I’d say that the $100,000,000 per annum would provide for all my needs, including dietary ones, quite nicely *laughs*
5) Tell me about your last really good day.
You know, I have really good days just about every week! Anytime I’m in my lair is a really good day. For instance, only last Saturday, another vintage treasure reached my doorstep, a rare Bert and Ernie toy (a soft buggy that looks like the inventive pair fashioned it out of whatever they could find, a garbage can, pieces of wood, old hinges, bits and bobs, rope, and I think this is hilarious, but then I have a predilection for “garbage” and junk toys), and that day I cleaned up the house a little—caring for my lair, making it comfortable, is extremely important to me—then I spent time writing, and later my spouse and I ate juicy hamburgers in our respective Total Environment havens, surrounded by what we love: a perfect day. On a day when I ventured out recently, I went to a small German restaurant to eat Viennese schnitzel with spätzle and sauerkraut (I’d never had proper German food and wanted to eat some because of a story I’m working on) and oh, that was glorious.
6) How do you like to celebrate your birthday?
Basically, I treat myself in the ways I enjoy most. This means a quiet day, because I’m an introvert and love seclusion and tranquility, and I unwrap gifts I got for myself (toys, books, films, music). Never underestimate the joy of unwrapping presents! This year was the first year I officially celebrated my birthday as the most important Satanic holiday of the year, and it was wonderful; it stretched out over a few days. I took glamorous self-portraits to highlight the occasion, savored rich pieces of cake (chocolate with a lot of buttercream), and my partner made me fine meals.
7) How did you come up with the name Logospilgrim?
It was the name I chose for myself back when I was undergoing a vital transformation inside a cocoon of sorts, around fifteen years ago. In the beginning, it had Orthodox connotations, and then, as I laboriously emerged from the now useless shell with my dazzling wings, I kept this name. I love the way it looks and sounds, but I gave it new meaning. I took it back to its roots. “Logos” comes from the Greek lógos—a word, saying, speech, discourse, thought, proportion, ratio, reckoning, akin to légein, to choose, gather, recount, tell over, speak: I’ve always been a communicator, words have always been important to me, especially the written word. “Pilgrim” is most apt as well; I’m a wanderer, but of the mind. As a writer, I spend a lot of time thinking and letting my mind wander. I’m very curious, always eager to perfect my knowledge, to learn about a variety of topics. And there is something deliciously unexpected about being a Satanist with such an incongruous name. “In the beginning was the Logos, and the Logos was with god, and the Logos was god”—I have been in my own company from the start, and I am my god. Lucifer is the true Logos.
8) Do you have any pets?
I have a cherished cat named Potion, which is a tribute to Severus Snape. I love cats because they’re both affectionate and independent. They’re excellent pets for introverts. Potion, like me, doesn’t like commotion or intrusion. He has the perfect calm environment in my home.
9) What kind of laundry detergent do you use?
My partner and I have sensitive skin, so I use a fragrance free detergent. On the other hand, we enjoy scents; a lot of incense is burned in this house, fragrant candles, and I use an oil diffuser on a regular basis. I love rich, earthy perfumes that include scents like vanilla, frankincense and myrrh, clove, spices… I recently got a sample of a perfume called Lavs Unum (worn by two popes), and it’s exquisitely decadent.
10) What is your favorite of the Seven Deadly Sins?
Pride, definitely. One must possess intelligent pride, not counterproductive pride, obviously, but when someone had to deal with abusive situations, emotional vampires, psychological damage, filling one’s chalice to the brim with pride is a fierce and most effective cure. Pride is the foundation of all other “Deadly Sins”—of humanity at its most primal, and at its most sophisticated. Pride is the root of self-preservation; it’s an inner friend that lets us know what’s right for us, what we should pursue, what we should walk away from; if we’re the sort of individuals who are capable of and profit from sound introspection, its instruction heightens our self-awareness. Pride is what connects us to self-respect; it’s a crown, a sword, and a shield; it inspires us to be the utmost of what we can be.
That’s all today, folks! Take some time to check out these books and I promise my list is coming. I must say it’s REALLY hard to pick only five.
Recently, during our little chat, Reverend Campbell asked me if I was at all nervous about being an “out” Satanist, if you will, since I work with kids and have what may is a sensitive position as a teacher. What I mean by an “out” Satanist is that you guys know my name. It’s attached to this blog, as well as other Satanic blogs and sites, which means if you Google me, Satan shit will pop up along with my tiny IMDB page. This has been an issue for people in the past because the masses have a very negative perception of the Church of Satan. Why? Well, because they think that Satan is evil and represents anything they consider “bad”.
So, am I afraid that I will be fired or thrown out of my family because I am a Satanist? No. I’m not. I’m not afraid of work “finding out” (as if it were something I should be ashamed of) because I know they won’t find anything wrong. I don’t bring my Satanic Bible or other literature to school with me; I hide my Sigil of Baphomet necklace when I am around my students and other educators; and I don’t talk about Satanism with any family or colleagues. I don’t feel like religion is an appropriate topic for work, especially a public school, and I also don’t want to take the time to have to explain that I don’t pray to the actual devil.
But, let’s say that a parent did see that I write this blog and decides to contact the school with a complaint. What would happen? Well, I hope that my Principal would take the time to talk to me first so that I can explain all of this to him personally. I don’t want to be seen as somebody who kills animals and kids to summon an all-powerful fire daddy to do my bidding because I’m not. At the same time, there’s nothing my school could legally do.
The Washington State Religious Discrimination Laws state that “This type of discrimination entails making employment decisions based upon someone’s faith, or lack thereof. This could be refusing to hire an employee because he or she is a Seventh-Day Adventist or Orthodox Jew and observes a Saturday Sabbath; firing an employee after he or she misses work to observe a religious holiday […]”
This makes me feel a lot more secure in my job because the school doesn’t want to deal with any legal backlash. I would never take any legal action, but they don’t know that and probably don’t want to risk it. The parents, on the other hand, can simply decide to take their kids out of my class if they are really that ridiculous, but the students would probably throw a fit. They like me.
When it comes to my family, I am even less worried. The only person I need by my side is my Mom and I know she wouldn’t give a shit and a half as long as I’m not in danger. Throughout my whole life she has made it very clear that religion is a personal decision and, while she is agnostic, she will understand and support me. I plan on telling her sometime soon, just not when my Dad is around.
Dad is a Fake Christian. This means he used to go to church every Sunday as a child and now goes maybe once every three years and that’s only if he gets invited to a Christmas service or some shit. He would be very upset to find out I’m a Citizen of the Infernal Empire and that’s totally fine with me. My Dad wasn’t really a part of my life for 17 years so if he finds out and decides not to talk to me for a few years, I’ll be okay. He would eventually get over himself, but it might take a while, and that’s okay.
Other family members would stop talking to me all together. To be honest, these aren’t the people I even want to be a part of my life. They’re judgmental, pushy, and racist and they do it all while hiding behind the guise of Christianity and Jesus. Besides, I don’t like going to church with them or bowing my hair in fake prayer just to eat their shitty dinners.
So, long story short, no, I’m not afraid of people finding out I’m a Satanist because it will weed out the assholes for me. I have Hindu friends/family and Christian friends/family and Atheist friends/family and Agnostic friends/family and more. If they can’t have one person in their lives who is a Satanist, they can see themselves out.
Remember, even if you feel abandoned and alone, you always have me, my sweet Little Lucifers.
I know God isn’t real so the title of this blog might seem a little strange but it is going to make sense in the end. If you watched my recent video with Reverend Campbell you might remember me saying that I had only been a Satanist for about a year and a half now and a Citizen of the Infernal Empire since February 2018.
I’ve been thinking about these answers and figures and I realize that I need to elaborate a little bit. So, I think it’s time to tell you guys a story. It’s a sad story, but it has a happy ending. It’s going to cover a lot of ground, but I promise it won’t be too long.
My parents met in late in 1992 when my Mom was on her way to Dairy Queen and Dad was out driving with his friend. He was in Washington State for the Navy and was out looking for a party when he was blonde hair in a car and thought she might be going to one. Well, when they got to DQ, they met, and it must have been love at first sight because I was born during April 1994. My parents got married not long after finding out Mom was pregnant and not long after I was born my parents moved back to Pennsylvania where my Dad is from.
A year after that, my parents got a divorce. To be totally honest, I don’t know exactly why. Mom has said things like they were too young and were in different places in life and crap like that, but I know better. My Dad was too young to be a Dad and Mom had to step up and do it all. She did just that. My Mom is a bad ass woman and it might be easy to blame the rest of this story on her, but I don’t and if you say something bad about my Mom I will freak out. She’s an amazing woman and everything I hope to be one day.
So, Mom and I went back to Washington to be with her side of the family. She worked a lot and my grandma would take care of me or my aunt or family friends. Mom had a few short-term boyfriends who I don’t remember after my Dad, but they never worked out. Then she met a person who we will call Sam.
Mom was with Sam for 17 of my 19 years and Sam is the father of my Half-Sister and Half-Brother. I love those kids so much and am thankful they are here; Don’t forget that during the rest of this story.
Sam abused my Mom and I. After my Sister was born, everything changed with him. He started drinking all night, every night. He drove us to Christmas dinner after drinking a fifth of vodka. He gambled away our money until we got evicted from house after house after house. Mom used to have to take us an hour away to find him because he was too drunk and out of money. One time, when my Dad called, Sam picked up and told him his daughter had two black eyes.
Sam once forced me to pee my pants. He refused to let me use a toilet and then laughed at me and made me clean it up and then worse. Then my sweet little brother was born. Nothing changed. I have internal and external scars from Sam that I will always carry. There were many times when I thought I was going to die and sometimes that was okay.
I have a semi-religious family. They took me to church sometimes, mostly when I was back east, and while I was never a Christian, I did try to reach God. When I was locked in a closet all day, I prayed all day. After a knife cut a deep, red line across my skin, I prayed until the bleeding stopped. I was desperate and alone and I was willing to try anything, so I prayed.
Nothing happened. Nothing changed. My Mom was the one who saved me in the end because she had taken enough. She had been trying to do her best for my little Brother and Sister, but she knew nothing would be good for them if she were dead. I had also finally told her the extend of the abuse I had faced at Sam’s hand. She had no idea.
In the middle of the night one night, we grabbed everything and we left. We took the animals and enough clothing to get us through a week. I went to school though nobody else went to their normal activities because school was a haven for me, even though I had to worked through abuse from me peers there. I worked my ass of and ended up going to college during school because I knew I needed to succeed. That would mean I had won.
Not long after all this, my Mom married my Dad again and they are still married to this day. It was a hard transition for my Sister and Brother, as well as myself, because we were all on edge. I’m still hand-shy. Sam tried his best to break us, though. He got us evicted and lied so my Dad would lose his job. I was, for some reason, followed by the police because of him.
But we are here now and we have all won. I am a teacher and a professional Lighting Designer. My Mom works in the same school district as I do and Dad is a tower crane operator. My sister is going to WSU and my Brother is my student so I can check his grades and he is currently getting all A’s.
Sam works at a casino, which is fine, but also has 3 DUIs and is massively in debt. Well, I think he should have 3 but only has 1 because he wiggled his way out of them.
What I am trying to get at here is that I’ve always been a Satanist, even when I was praying in a closet for hours. It madam realize that the only person who can save you is yourself. You can get help from friends and family like I did, but you have to ask and you have to make it known you need help. I kept myself alive and anybody who tries to tell me God helped can kiss my clitoris because it was me; Me and My Mom and my family.
I’m not looking for sympathy or tears here because I’ve had a wonderful life thus far. I’ve traveled the country in 18-wheeler trucks and learned to bowl in Wyoming. The guy who taught me had 3 fingers and that’s all he could do anymore. I’ve seen more stars in the sky than I could even imagine because I was so far out in the middle of nowhere. I taught myself a piece of My Heart Will Go On while in Florida on the edge of a hurricane. I’ve seen Hamilton! I get to be a teacher and be in love with my Best Friend. I get to have a wonderful family who will always love me. I get to live in the most beautiful state in the USA. I’ve traveled in tug boat and have flown in so many airplanes that I can feel us starting our decent before the pilot even announces it.
Yeah, I’ve had a wonderful life. I’ve done a lot already and I’m only 24! I can’t wait to see where I take myself next in life.
Hae a great rest of your Sunday, my Sweet Satanists!