So, I’ve talked previously about how I live with depression, which is something that runs in my family. This post is going to be similar to that. I want to talk about my Anxiety, how it impacts my life, and how I deal with it as a human and a Satanist.
First off, I want to talk directly to the people who think that this is bullshit. This whole post is for you because I want to explain to you the physical toll it takes on my body. This is more than “just getting nervous” or “an excuse”. It’s real and it hurts.
The Mayo Clinic defines anxiety as “intense, excessive and persistent worry and fear about everyday situations”, which is may not seem like a big deal, but those who live with anxiety can tell you otherwise.
Here’s how it goes down for me. It doesn’t matter how big or small an issue may be, I will puke. Every morning, and sometimes into the day, I will puke and puke until there’s nothing in my stomach and then it’ll keep trying to pull stuff up. It’s really gross and it’s really bad for my throat and teeth. It gets so bad during really stressful times in the year that I have to schedule time into my morning to deal with this.
One time, it was almost immediate. My car broke down two hours away from my house one night and I had to wait two hours and pay $300 for it to get towed to my parents house 30 minutes closer. My Mom let me use her car to get the rest of the way home and as soon as I got into her car, driving again, my body knew that it was out of the situation, I threw up in my lap. I knew it was going to be expensive and that I was going to have to go live with my parents until it was fixed, which was going to take forever because my dad refuses to help people other than himself, but in a dickhead way.
Something that also crosses my mind in these states of anxiety is suicide. Now, I’m a Satanist, so I would never kill myself, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t a thought I have from time to time. Here’s the thing, it’s okay to be weak and to have these thoughts as long as you don’t act on them, but instead do something to relieve yourself from whatever is causing these issues.
The thing is that I thrive in high-stress environments such as theatre. I love being a Stage Manager and being in charge of everything. I like fixing problems and calling cues and getting actors into places and all the millions of other things that an SM does.
I do not like walking past the woman who cleans my classroom because she is really passive aggressive and does a crap job anyway. I could do better because I used to be a damn good janitor. I loved being a janitor because the cleaning soothed my anxiety about writing a paper in class or having to tell my director I needed a night off.
So, what do I do? Well, I do my best to get these things I’m nervous about done as soon as I can so that my body doesn’t kill itself. I also try to get something easy in my stomach, normally a protein shake, before I start to feel too nauseated. Sometimes it comes back up no matter what I do and the shake is easier. (I know this is TMI but I’m trying to make a point).
I also get nightmares, bite my nails until they bleed, shake, and get irrationally upset. I don’t like myself and I don’t like how I feel, so I want it to stop as fast as possible and that means fixing the problem, as scary as that may be.
Remember, it’s okay to feel this way, but you have to work to get out of that funk so you can enjoy life.
Have a wonderful rest of your day, my Sweet Satans.
As you can probably guess from the fact that I’m yelling at you in my title, the Sin we are looking at today is wrath! This is actually my least favorite sin, though I still allow myself to dip my toes into the Rage Pool on Twitter.
Wrath is described as feelings of anger, rage, and hatred. Dante describes wrath as the “Love of justice perverted to revenge and spite”, which is interesting because it seems to be condemning a kind of vigilante justice.
Those who commit the sin of “Violence” in Dante’s Inferno are separated into three rings within the Seventh circle of Hell. The outer ring houses murderers and other violent people sinking forever into a river of boiling blood and fire. In the middle circle, those who committed suicide were turned into trees and forever fed upon by harpies. They share the ring with profligates who were chased and torn to pieces by dogs for eternity. In the middle ring, blasphemers and sodomites reside in a desert of burning sand while burning rain hails down onto them.
This sin was picked in order to keep those who may be angry with The Church in their place. The Flock is always going to be afraid of God and Hell. If there were a reason for those in The Flock to be mad at The Church, they would have shoved that feeling way down into a bucket of prayer, snuffing whatever flame of rebellion may be starting within because they 1) don’t want to go to hell and 2) don’t want to be excommunicated. If this were to occur, nobody would do business with this person or people, and they would be basically pushed to the fringes of society. That was a death sentence back in the day, especially if you were old, unmarried, and/or a woman.
The Church also wanted to establish a few laws and you can catch some hidden within the layers of each sin. In this, we see that laws against murder, suicide, and violence towards a fellow-man. Interestingly enough, the center circle is reserved for those who spoke up against The Church and Sodomites, which just means you engaged in oral or anal sex, though this is often a word to describe those of the LGBTQA+ society. I find this interesting because I’m not sure it belongs in this category and should probably be shoved in with Lust. Actually, this category as a whole is one of the only ones I see that can’t be mashed together with Lust.
Here’s why I don’t like Wrath. When I get mad and yell at people, I get a bad headache and it just makes me more mad. That’s on the low-end. As you were probably expecting, I am again going to say that this sin can be indulged in as long as you don’t live your life in rage. That’s not productive. My former step Dad had awful anger issues and he hurt my mom and I almost every day for 17 years of my life. I have seen what Anger can do to people if that’s the only emotion they have.
But I’m not here to tell you not to do something. I’m here to do the opposite! I also think it’s unhealthy to ignore anger and rage and that drive to fight. Rage can’t be controlled so it tells you a lot about yourself and how you feel about whatever situation you’re in if you suddenly become super pissed off. It means a change needs to be made. That doesn’t mean you can revel in that anger, though.
My boyfriend had a clock. This clock would wake us up with the normal beep, beep, beep but it would slowly get faster and faster and I hated that clock. I hated it. So, one night, a few days before we were meant to go camping, the clock started beeping. I shot straight up in bed and I yelled “Darling, I hate that fucking clock! I hate it so fucking much!” Apparently I hadn’t told him about how much I hated the clock so this was really scary for him.
When we went camping, we took the clock with us. I was excited to see it unplugged but then I learned it had a backup battery and I almost went crazy. So, I took it to the forest (Don’t worry I cleaned up all the pieces) and I broke that shit. I broke it over rocks; I broke it under rocks; I broke it by hitting it with a stick; I stuck it in a fire; I dumped drink on it and it still wouldn’t die! It kept telling me the time and working normally. I finally killed it by pulling out each wire until I got to the last one and the face went clear.
That was the best feeling of my life. I mean it. All those resentful feelings just washed away because I got the sweet revenge I needed. Nobody was hurt, except maybe my boyfriend when I criticized his clock, but that’s fine he can use his phone. But I hope that clock could feel it.
So, I don’t want you guys to live in anger, but if you ever get the change, beat the hell out of that damn clock.
Hey, guys, before I get into this infernal interview, I want to be a little vain. I was going to say “hope that’s alright with you” but I don’t really care and I’m going to do it anyway!
As I said briefly in my last post, I am going to be interviewed by our wonderful Reverend Campbell on his podcast Speak of the Devil!
This is really exciting for me because, well, I’m a baby Satanist and people actually give a shit about Reverend Campbell. This will be a live interview and will start at 7pm PST. You’ll be able to comment and we will comment back in real-time, so it should be a really fun conversation. I hope to see you there!
Okay, all of that out of the way, it’s time for our newest…
Our latest victim is NOT a member of the Church of Satan as of right now, but that may change. Ya never know. Until then, let us welcome our Satan-Friendly friend Marco S. into the pit!
1) What is your relationship with the Church of Satan?
I’m not a card-carrying member, but I’ve considered myself a Satanist since I was about 19, I’m 37 now.
2) How did you first discover Satanism?
I specifically remember when my neighbor (mentor, band mate and long time metal brother) lent me a Dimmu Borgir album, Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, I was a little intrigued by this verses:
Whispering voices, summoning screams
Waiting for Satan to bless their sins
Blackhearted angels fallen from grace
Possessed by the search for utter darkness
That was completely new to me, asking for Satan’s blessing and at the same time wanting to search for utter darkness, willing to sin again. This was strange because I grew up with my grandmother in a Catholic family and even though I stopped believing in God since I was 14 or 15, I never thought these words could represent anything other than “going against God”, which at that point I considered just bullshit.
After a quick online search I found information about the Church of Satan and asked my friend’s mom (who was very liberal) to order a Satanic Bible from Amazon for me. I grew up in Mexico and at the time I didn’t have a credit card, and there was no way my dad was gonna buy this for me. Naturally when I read the book I realized what most of us do at some point, it spoke to me, it spoke about me.
3) What are your favorite book?
I love many, many books, there’s an obvious spot reserved for the Satanic Bible, because it opened my eyes to who I really am, and it gave me comfort when I realized that being a misfit and an outlier is not “wrong”, it only means you don’t fit in the status quo, it’s an advantage.
Also I have to mention Psychomagic by Alejandro Jodorowsky, with that book I discovered the power of the mind, the power of the palpable change you can create for yourself and your own reality without the need to summon anything or anyone with supernatural powers. In this same tone but as pure fiction, I loved The Teachings of Don Juan by Carlos Castaneda, pretty much any Castaneda book has a magical power that’s hard to contain.
A short list should also include Vonnegut’s The Sirens of Titan, Malcolm Gladwell’s David and Goliath, Carl Sagan’s The Demon Haunted World and Gabriel Garcia Marquez’ Cronica De Una Muerte Anunciada.
4) What would you do if you were suddenly placed into a horror film, such as The Evil Dead?
I’m not a big fan of horror, I’ve never watched that movie so I assume I’ll just try to… survive? I don’t now.
5) Do you have any pets?
Not at the moment, I had dogs growing up, although I get along really well with cats too.
6) Are you currently working on any projects?
Aside from my 9-5 job I always try to have side gigs to keep my mind distracted, I’ve been teaching myself how to code for about a year now so I try to find things that will help me improve on that ability. At the moment my biggest project would be updating my online portfolio building the site from scratch!
7) If a spaceship landed and asked you to take them to your leader, to whom would you take them?
Oh well… it would be a difficult choice but I would probably go with a scientist, Neil deGrasse Tyson, Brian Greene or someone of the like. Someone who is more likely to know what to do in a situation like that rather than someone actually in power. People in power are not always the smartest you know…
8) Do you like to travel? If so, where?
I do like to travel, me and my wife would hop on trains or planes for short stays in small and big cities in the North East, we have yet to go to the West Coast. Lately I’ve been going to Ukraine a few times per year, visiting great cities and places over there. Poland, Germany and Egypt are in our list.
9) What would you like Non-Satanists to know about Satanists?
I’m not sure about this one. I don’t mind if most people don’t know what Satanism is, as long as they don’t use us as a scapegoat or an excuse for their own ridiculous behavior. Maybe it would be good for them to know that this is not an obscure sect and we definitely don’t sacrifice babies? It’s appalling the amount of people who associate that with Satanists, but then again, the average person is really stupid.
10) Which of the Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth speaks to you the most?
I try to guide myself by all of them, but if I had to pick one that represents who we are it would be the 11th Rule, it was the first one I read somewhere on the internet, and I absolutely loved it. I think it broadly defines a simple but powerful way to look at life; to me it’s about two things, one is the idea that you should live your life without messing with anyone, and two is that everyone deserves respect until they prove otherwise (sometimes the proof comes VERY quickly).
Alright, kids, that’s it for the day! I’ve got a long week ahead of me and I’m already running late. I hope you loved reading this interview as much as I did!
And the fun part is that he actually took the time to answer them! Each of these interviews is designed to inform and entertain, which this one does for sure! The joke at the end made me laugh so hard that I scared my cats.
1) Tell me about a powerful Greater Magic moment.
The most powerful Greater Magic moment I’ve experienced was my first. It was a destruction ritual for a psychic vampire I was dealing with at work. The ritual itself was full of powerful anger and hatred, and afterwards I felt such a euphoric feeling. Within two weeks the person received several performance related write ups. They quit shortly thereafter.
2) Do the people close to you know you’re a member of the Church of Satan?
My wife knows and has read all the books in my collection as well as one of my brothers. The rest of my family would have to be blind not to know as I have the fact that I’m a member on all my social media pages. There are interviews I’ve done on Good Mourning America and Speak of the Devil that are easily found with a google search. I don’t go around telling people but will honestly answer if asked.
3) How do you like to celebrate your birthday?
I love to go out to a steak house that is close by, they have the best new York strip that they cook to a temperature called “blue”, then having either key lime pie or caramel brulee. After that it’s home for great sex and a great old movie for the night.
4) What would you do if you were turned into a horse for a day?
I would be the fastest horse on the track in my youth, and enjoy being a stud in my later years. Being from Kentucky originally I’ve seen that most horses live better than their owners, so what a life that would be.
5) How do you explain Satanism to Non-Satanists?
I explain Satanism as being a powerful philosophy for “I-theists” as Magus Gilmore has called us. The tools within Satanism allow a born Satanist to develop themselves into successful, fully responsible adults who shape the world the way we want it to be. Through everything from art, music, television, technology, etc. Satanists are living the fullest lives with the most impact.
6) What is your biggest pet peeve?
My biggest pet peeve is stupidity. I can deal with people who are ignorant but those who choose to be ignorant of a subject is, in my opinion, the worst kind of stupidity.
7) Are you currently working on any projects?
I am getting in to painting and I write poetry and songs. There are some videos from when I was a touring musician on YouTube for those who like “retro” music. I am working out a plan of putting together a book of stories from the road accompanied by some of my poetry.
8) What are a few things on your bucket list?
I want to sky dive on my 40thbirthday, take my oldest daughter (6) to Germany, and get together with Reverend Campbell and Warlock Jeff Bowling for a beer.
9) Would you rather give up toothpaste or toilet paper for a week?
Toothpaste. I think there are somethings you could eat or gum you could chew to fix the cleanliness of my mouth. Not much you could do comfortably for your ass.
10) Tell me your favorite joke.
My girlfriend’s dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog. She was livid, she said “what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
My cats have calmed down now and are trying to get me to love them now. Or feed them. It’s the same, really. I was going to say this was a fun interview for me, but that’s obvious. How about I just tell you when an interview irritates me, yeah? Cool.
So, I’ve been doing a lot of interviewing of other people on here, as well as essays from a Satanic perspective. So, I decided it was high time that I let myself step into my own spotlight and let you guys ask questions this time around. I will be using some of these questions in later interviews, too. So if you don’t see all of your questions here today, you may see them later.
Here is our latest installment in…
Today, the victim is Member Lauren H. That’s me.
1) What’s your favorite horror movie?
Oh, goodness, I am a huge horror movie fan! Since I was a little girl, I’ve been surrounded by horror movies. My Grandma and I would have weekly Crappy Movie Night where we would get a scary movie from the 1960’s and watch it with popcorn. Later on, Mom would host Scary Movie Night with all of our cousins. Now, I think I own more horror movies than any other genre.
This is a really hard question, so I’ll give you a few. 1) As Above, So Below is my movie that I will watch over and over. I wanted to buy it so badly that I wrote the local movie rental store a 5 paragraph essay as to why they should sell me one of their two copies. I own it; 2) The Night of the Living Dead was my first scary movie and I got to meet Barbra once so it will always have a special place in my heart; 3) The Grudge actually still scares the shit out of me.
2) What was your favorite subjects at school?
Jesus with these hard questions! I love learning so much that when people ask me what I would do if I won the lottery, I tell them that I would go to school forever. So, there are a lot of areas of schooling that I love and I had a really hard time deciding what to go to college for. In the end, I decided to go for what comes easiest to me.
I was a Creative Writing major at WWU and graduated with a BA in English. What’s funny is that I didn’t even discover theatre until community college, which is where I am making money, since I am a Drama Teacher and Lighting Designer.
I am also really in love with science and I was able to take an Astrobiology class in high school and it BLEW MY MIND! I love every aspect of science, even Math, in one way or another.
TL;DR: I love learning.
3) Are you introverted or extraverted?
Ya know, it really, really depends on a lot of factors. I love having time to myself where I can just listen to my music and clean or read or whatever strikes my fancy. At the same time, if I’m left alone for too long I get bored and make big forts in the middle of the living room.
If I’ve had a really long day, all I want to do id go home and see my cats. If I haven’t seen anybody in days, I start to whine at my friends to come visit me. I’m somewhere in between. I want to say there’s a word for that…
4) Have you ever spoken with Peter H. Gilmore and/or Peggy Nadramia?
HA! You’re so sweet. No, no I have not. I don’t think I’m even on their radar since I just became a member in February. One day, perhaps years in the future, I will have a big enough base for this blog and I will be able to send them some of my silly questions. Hell, maybe I’ll be able to run into them at a concert or on the street or some shit… that’d be cool.
5) What’s your favorite piece of clothing?
This actually took me a second to think about because I just love clothing. Not in the sense that I like being fashionable, but more I really love being covered and warm. I have this big-ass coat I call Big Coat that I use when I go outside, sometimes even at 60 degrees!
But, when I think about which piece of clothing I like the most, I would say my black and grey flannel. I like in the Pacific Northwest and the weather takes crazy turns from hot to cold to wind to rain to windy rain all in two hours. It’s a crazy place and the key to being comfortable is layers. That’s why we all dress the same. We know that jeans, a tank top, a tee, a flannel and a jacket works as a comfortable outfit in Washington.
I can tell you I do not like underwear. This isn’t even something that’s supposed to be sexy-like, I just REALLY hate them. I wear leggings with skirts and dresses so I don’t have to wear them. Fuck underwear.
6) Where would you want to travel to the most if money wasn’t an issue?
I would really love to go back to Edinburgh for The Fringe Fest. I was there when I was 20 to perform with Skagit Valley College. For those who don’t know, The Fringe is the largest performance festival in the world and it is so much fun! It’s tons of theatre and tons of theatre nerds taking over the bars and partying. I love it so much and I need to go back. Also the food is amazing.
My college was there to perform Elegies for Angels, Punks, and Raging Queens which is a monologue/song play that rhymes and is really, really good. It is the various stories of people who somehow got AIDS, died, and came back to tell their story. I played two people. The first was a woman who got AIDS from sharing needles and died. Her monologue included begging for money, so I would sit outside each performance with a change cup, start in the house, and yell my first line at the audience. They didn’t know I was part of the play so they just thought I was screaming about how much I love getting high.
The second was a preacher who came out to yell at everybody for being gay and stuff. It was weird because I was stepping into a character who was not only the opposite of me, but the only character with words who was “evil”.
Yeah, Scotland. I need to go back.
7) How did you become Satanist?
So, I know what you mean and I will answer that, but I do want to reiterate that Satanists are born, not made. So, I’ve always been a Satanist, I just needed to discover that.
Actually, I found The Church of Satan through music. I was hanging with my friend Colby and he locked me in a car to make me listen to a song. He was almost out and he looked back in and said “This is Ghost. They’re a Satanic band. AND THEY’RE FUNNY, TOO!” and then left.
That song was Square Hammer by Ghost BC.
After that, I just started poking around the Church of Satan’s website and listing to Podcasts like The Devil You Know and Raising Hell. They were my way of getting information before I had the means to get The Satanic Bible. Finally, I was able to get a few of the books written by LaVey and that was it. I knew.
8) Who inspires you the most (dead or alive)?
Oh, that’s easy. My Mom. I love my Mom so, so much because she made me into s strong, hard-working, caring person. She was trapped in an abusive relationship for years with the father of my little brother and sister, who I also love dearly, and she was the only person who was there for me when I was being abused by him, too. I’ll be doing a post about this in more detail later.
She’s my best friend and I would do anything for her.
9) What would be your ideal vacation?
You know if you ask me this during the winter the answer will be different. Right now, I would love to go to Europe somewhere to eat and hike. I love the history over there and the beautiful buildings. Maybe Norway since that’s where most of my DNA comes from, or Germany for the same reason.
During the winter, my answer would be Turks and Caicos with my Mom. It looks so beautiful and warm! I would love to read a book with my foot in the waves and a drink in my hand.
10) What do you think ghosts are? Or at least what so many people have seen and claim to be ghosts?
Okay so I do have a weird-ass hypothesis on what this could be but I don’t think there’s a way to test it. You know how scientists believe Gravity may be such a weak force because it’s spread thin over various alternate universes? That, but ghosts.
So, what I think is that there are an infinite amount of story lines that branch off with every choice we make. So if I make the choice to walk. across a street, in an infinite amount of universes I get hit by a car and in an infinite amount I don’t get hit. There are universes with near-misses and universes where I get hit and live and where I get hit and die. I think ghosts are just the other universes leaking over and showing us a weak image of what may be going on in a different reality we are close to.
That’s just what I think and I know it makes me sound really insane, but I explain it better in real life.
Well, there ya go! My very own interview on my very own blog. I will be putting this in the About The Author page, too, so you can find them there. Thank you so much to all the people who commented or emailed me in some questions, it was hard to pick just 10.
I am now, but I remember checking the mail each day, some times multiple times per day, to see if my Red Card had come. Naturally it came when I was gone. So I came home to a white, unassuming envelope sitting on the kitchen table with my name on it.
That was a really exciting day for me! I’m sure each of you can remember when you were, too, in Church of Satan limbo and the feelings that came along with that. And the feelings that followed knowing you had been accepted!
So, since I interviewed MANYmembers of the Church of Satan, as well as an actual Devil Worshipper, I thought I’d interview somebody who was pending approval. This person identifies as a Satanist but is waiting for conformation to come on their Membership status.
This is the next installment of:
The Infernal Interviews
1) How long have you been with the Church of Satan?
“With” The church of Satan? Membership pending I guess you could say, but a Satanist from my early grade school years. Even when in the Episcopalian Church.
2) What did you think when you first heard of the Church of Satan?
My first inclination as a young boy of 5 was, “where can I find this church? It sounds like a really big fun house with a lion, secret door ways and horror attractions! I must go there at once!” (of course speaking of LaVey’s “Black House” and not the Established Church of Satan.”)
3) What is your favorite play?
I have several. As far as musicals I recently became a huge fan of “Hedwig and the Angry Inch.” However I would have to say “The Tempest.” (Shakespeare)
4) What is your personal definition of Satan?
I have several: Every Satanist or “weekend warrior” thinks “The church of satan wants to hear “Adversary” because that’s what LaVey said. I’m not always one to jump to that explanation. Mine is more “Hero.” He’s the unspoken fictitious hero of the Bible that was given a terrible reputation. Jesus wondered into the wilderness like an idiot Satan tried to feed him, then offer him relief, apparently that was “wrong.” Not to mention Satan educated humanity, clothed us, fed us metaphorically, helped us become “aware” of the flesh and indulgence. So thank you Satan.
5) Do you have any animals?
Yes. I have two dogs and a corn snake.
6) Chocolate or Vanilla?
Both I’m not an Ice Cream Racist.
7) Do you have any projects you’re currently working on?
Yes, musically “Hades In Tow,” film wise I am attempting to make a series called “AntiChrist.”
8) Have you ever shaved your legs?
Yes, and waxed with Nair Cream. (Not to self: Do not use nair cream on pubic stubble, it will leave chemical burns in creases).
9) What would you like Non-Satanists to know about Satanists?
This is a loaded question. Non-Satanists please stop practicing contempt prior to investigation. (mind you some do not.) We are living in “Era Satanas.” Whether the non Satanist likes it or not, mainstream religion is being phased out and recognized as fraud and problematic.
10) How do you like The Satanic Bible?
It was like listening to the Beatles for the first time… Backwards. When I first read it, I was baffled, and had to re-read it. I thought to myself “how could every answer in my life be right here in one simple book.” Well, it was. So after re-reading the Satanic Bible ad nauseam, I learned that this path is for me, and with an open mind while still thinking for myself, freely, I continue to learn more and more every day. There was no turning back.
I hope you liked this interview and I will update you on the Membership Status of Lvcifer Invictvs Crow as soon as I know. For all the rest of you waiting, hang in there!
Have a great rest of your day, my Sweet Satanists!
Seriously. This was before I knew that the Church of Satan was a thing, though, even if I was already a Satanist. This is because Satanists are born and not made, which means that if I’m a Satanist NOW, I was a Satanist THEN because I have always lived my life Satanically. It’s a part of me, much like the color of my eyes.
So with that in mind, let me tell you about the time I dated a Hard Core Christian for two years. Let’s call him Tim because that’s his name. Tim belonged to a denomination of faith called The Christian Reformed Church. What is that? Here’s a quote that sorta explains it:
“Reformed Christians are a small part of a much larger body of believers who love and serve Jesus Christ. We’re part of a family that includes Orthodox, Roman Catholic, Anglican, Evangelical, and a host of other churches that confess and practice the Christian faith.
Reformed teachings are shared by denominations other than the Christian Reformed Church. What’s different is the emphasis that we might place on them. Cornelius Plantinga writes:
Our accents lie more on the sovereignty of God, on the authority of Scripture, on the need for disciplined holiness in personal Christian life, and finally, on Christianity as a religion of the Kingdom. —A Sure Thing: What We Believe and Why (Grand Rapids: CRC Publications, 2001), p. 281
For example, the Reformed faith teaches the Lordship of Jesus Christ over all creation. We can’t imagine a Christian church that doesn’t hold to that teaching. But Reformed believers place a lot more emphasis on this teaching than many other Christians do. As a result, Reformed believers have invested a lot of their energy and resources in Christian education (Christian day schools, colleges, and seminaries), Christ-centered political/social action, and parachurch ministries to those in need.” (Taken from CRCNA.org)
There were more than a few reasons why this was never going to work out, but we’re focusing on the religious reasons today. First off, though he didn’t say it, I was expected to serve him. That was never going to happen. Once, we went to a service (Yes, I went, too) where he told me not to stand until he stood; not to sit until he sat; not to speak until he spoke; and so on. I broke all of those rules.
I refuse to be bossed around. I am in charge of myself and nobody else is. This is why I dye my hair fun colors and wear clothes that make it hard for people to fit me into a category. Depending on the day I am either a punk, a goth, a prep, grungy, lazy, or whatever strikes my fancy at the time I’m picking out my clothes. This makes it hard for me to be in a relationship with somebody who wants me to fit a mold.
So, I mentioned earlier that I went to church with him and I did this because I wanted to support him. I hated it, but I was trying to show that his interests were important to me. That stopped pretty quick, which made him nervous because he wanted to get married and have kids who went to church and all that jazz.
OH HELL NO! First of all, I was 19-21 when we were dating so I was not about to have kids. I was busy going to college and getting on with my life. Second, I am totally uncomfortable with telling kids what to think. When my mom was raising me, I was lucky because she would let me explore religion on my own and never pointed me in one direction or another. This is because my Mom is agnostic and wanted me to discover the world myself.
In the end, I think we could both feel that it was coming. I was his first girlfriend, even though he was 24 when we started dating, and I was the one to take his virginity. Because of these things, he thought I had sent him to hell. His solution? He spoke with the elders at his church and they told him to leave me.
So, that’s what he did. He took me a mile away from my car, out in the middle of nowhere, and left me. I cried, yes, but it didn’t take me long to get over it. I got pissed and walked the mile back to my car with him driving a few feet behind me because I refused to get into his truck.
I get home and go to tell my mom what had happened, but she already knew. Apparently, he decided to take an hour to break up with my parents before breaking up with me. It was strange.
All in all, I’m glad we dated. Seriously, I am, because I know all the arguments Christian’s have! I know the arguments and I know their lies. I’ve been on the other side of the lines and I took notes. Also he introduced me to my DnD friends and I love them so much.
So, in the end, Thanks, Tim, for teaching me all about what I never want to be.
Live your life, loves, and never let anybody change you.