I Dated A Christian For Two Years

Seriously. This was before I knew that the Church of Satan was a thing, though, even if I was already a Satanist. This is because Satanists are born and not made, which means that if I’m a Satanist NOW, I was a Satanist THEN because I have always lived my life Satanically. It’s a part of me, much like the color of my eyes.

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Yup, there’s photographic proof

So with that in mind, let me tell you about the time I dated a Hard Core Christian for two years. Let’s call him Tim because that’s his name. Tim belonged to a denomination of faith called The Christian Reformed Church. What is that? Here’s a quote that sorta explains it:

Reformed Christians are a small part of a much larger body of believers who love and serve Jesus Christ. We’re part of a family that includes Orthodox, Roman Catholic, Anglican, Evangelical, and a host of other churches that confess and practice the Christian faith.

Reformed teachings are shared by denominations other than the Christian Reformed Church. What’s different is the emphasis that we might place on them. Cornelius Plantinga writes:

Our accents lie more on the sovereignty of God, on the authority of Scripture, on
the need for disciplined holiness in personal Christian life, and finally, on
Christianity as a religion of the Kingdom.
A Sure Thing: What We Believe and Why
(Grand Rapids: CRC Publications, 2001), p. 281

For example, the Reformed faith teaches the Lordship of Jesus Christ over all creation. We can’t imagine a Christian church that doesn’t hold to that teaching. But Reformed believers place a lot more emphasis on this teaching than many other Christians do. As a result, Reformed believers have invested a lot of their energy and resources in Christian education (Christian day schools, colleges, and seminaries), Christ-centered political/social action, and parachurch ministries to those in need.” (Taken from CRCNA.org)

There were more than a few reasons why this was never going to work out, but we’re focusing on the religious reasons today. First off, though he didn’t say it, I was expected to serve him. That was never going to happen. Once, we went to a service (Yes, I went, too) where he told me not to stand until he stood; not to sit until he sat; not to speak until he spoke; and so on. I broke all of those rules.

I refuse to be bossed around. I am in charge of myself and nobody else is. This is why I dye my hair fun colors and wear clothes that make it hard for people to fit me into a category. Depending on the day I am either a punk, a goth, a prep, grungy, lazy, or whatever strikes my fancy at the time I’m picking out my clothes. This makes it hard for me to be in a relationship with somebody who wants me to fit a mold.

So, I mentioned earlier that I went to church with him and I did this because I wanted to support him. I hated it, but I was trying to show that his interests were important to me. That stopped pretty quick, which made him nervous because he wanted to get married and have kids who went to church and all that jazz.

OH HELL NO! First of all, I was 19-21 when we were dating so I was not about to have kids. I was busy going to college and getting on with my life. Second, I am totally uncomfortable with telling kids what to think. When my mom was raising me, I was lucky because she would let me explore religion on my own and never pointed me in one direction or another. This is because my Mom is agnostic and wanted me to discover the world myself.

In the end, I think we could both feel that it was coming. I was his first girlfriend, even though he was 24 when we started dating, and I was the one to take his virginity. Because of these things, he thought I had sent him to hell. His solution? He spoke with the elders at his church and they told him to leave me.

So, that’s what he did. He took me a mile away from my car, out in the middle of nowhere, and left me. I cried, yes, but it didn’t take me long to get over it. I got pissed and walked the mile back to my car with him driving a few feet behind me because I refused to get into his truck.

I get home and go to tell my mom what had happened, but she already knew. Apparently, he decided to take an hour to break up with my parents before breaking up with me. It was strange.

All in all, I’m glad we dated. Seriously, I am, because I know all the arguments Christian’s have! I know the arguments and I know their lies. I’ve been on the other side of the lines and I took notes. Also he introduced me to my DnD friends and I love them so much.

So, in the end, Thanks, Tim, for teaching me all about what I never want to be.

Live your life, loves, and never let anybody change you.

HS!

LH

Not Everybody Knows

I know it may seem like it would be really easy for my family to find out I’m a Satanist, they apparently don’t care enough or don’t google me very often. That’s just fine with me. There are some people in my family who would never be able to wrap their heads around being a Satanist and not believing in Satan.

I also try to keep it on the down-low in professional settings. I work with children, so it’s not my job to try to convince them to be Satanists. I’m sure a few of them are, but not all of them. If they ask me questions about any religion, I’ll answer them, but that’s just because I feel they have a right to information. I’ll also point them to just google stuff, but make sure the information is accurate.

Now, since I’ve been interviewing a lot of out and proud Satanists, I’m going to bring on a person who calls himself a “Closeted Satanist’.

Buckle up for the latest installment of:

THE INFERNAL INTERVIEWS

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A Spooky Pumpkin

1) What made you decide to join the Church of Satan?

Joining The Church of Satan was my way of making a pact with The Devil, so to speak. It was my way of saying to myself, “You are one serious mofo” concerning my commitment to the religion/philosophy that has proven to be a most useful guide through life.

2) What is your response when people ask you if you’re religious? 

I usually just tell the curious that I’m non-religious. If I think they’re being pushy, I’ll confirm my atheistic stance to let them know I’m not buying what they’re selling. On the rare occasion when I feel I’m talking to a kindred soul, I might divulge that I’m a Diabolist.
3) Do you have any Satanic Paraphernalia in your house? Hidden?
I keep my ritual items and books displayed in my bedroom, along with a badass painting of Magus LaVey created by Rev. Eric Vernor. One might find a book I’m reading st any given time lying on a table in another room – I like to flirt with danger.
4) Would you rather go to space or ride a T-Rex? 
That depends. Are we talking riding the T-Rex in the Jurassic era or are we talking modern-day? Because I would totally dig going on a rampage through a busy part of town on the back of a dinosaur. Otherwise, I’d choose space.
5) Does anybody close to you know you’re a Satanist? 
When I was much younger (I’ve been a self-identifying Satanist for about 23 years), I was much more open about my interest in Satanism, so a lot of people knew. As I grew older and learned that subtlety can be my friend, I wore it on my sleeve less and less. There are probably still some who suspect that my involvement with Satanism was more than just a passing interest but I only talk about it with close confidants these days.
6) What is your Membership Status within the Church of Satan? 
I’m a Satanist (First Degree member). Basically, that just denotes active membership within CoS.
7) How do you weave Satanism into your daily life? 
My main source of income is my job in the steel structure manufacturing business. I work in an environment saturated with a lot of “good ole boys” – the “God, Guns and Government” types. I use Lesser Magic skills on a daily basis, like diplomacy, flattery and empathy (the latter two aren’t always genuine). I also live in a small town 30 miles outside of Nashville, TN, so those skills come in handy pretty much everywhere around here.
8) Do you have anything you’re working on currently you’d like to talk about? 
I’m currently writing songs for an acoustic project I plan to record with my wife’s assistance on vocals. I’ve also recently been inspired to take up painting. I’ve always been an above-average sketch artist but never seriously tried my hand at mediums involving color. I’ve got a long way to go but I’m steadily improving.
9) What made you decide to stay in the closet about being a Satanist. 
I have young children whom I don’t desire to see suffer on account of my interests and affiliations.
However, I’m not a total closet-Satanist. I just choose to keep that part of my life out of the spotlight. I’ll still talk about Satanism with open-minded folks and I do wear a Baphomet sigil ring often, so those in-the-know can identify my interest.
10) Define Magic. 
Magic is a hunk of blackberry cobbler topped with vanilla ice cream.
Ladies and Gents, and every flavor in between, I found this entry to be particularly interesting since I find myself hiding it in some social circles and being really open about it in others. You can be a Satanist and be Satanic without wearing Satan on your forehead. I hope this gets you all thinking and let me know if you have any questions for me or my guest.
Have a Devilish Day, my Satanic Sweethearts.
HS!
LH

I Got to Raise Some Hell

So this interview is really exciting for me because I really love the Raising Hell Podcast. I’ve been listening to Milton and his guests for a little over a year now and it has helped me so much. This Podcast is amazing because it will talk about anything from Magic to Sex to Parenting to Disabilities and beyond.

One of my favorite people Milton brings on is Witch Troj. She is wonderful to listen to and she always has a way to articulate her opinions in ways that allow the listeners to absorb the information while drawing their own conclusions. He also has wonderful segments such as The Grownup Grotto, What Would Josephine Do, What the Wild Things Think, and more. I find each of these segments offers different information that pertains to both Satanism and Parenting.

To be clear, I am not a parent, I just want to be one day and I figure it’s probably best to start learning now so that I can be the very best like no one ever was.

And on that note, allow me to give the floor to my future friend (Oh yeah) Warlock Milton Cruver!

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Milton and Audra (I’m assuming. This photo is from his ‘Meet The Family’ page to be fair).
1) What Satanic qualities do you inject into your parenting? – Satanists have always had the innate privilege of representing our religion through the simple act of living, unlike other religions in which people are expected to follow a particular set of mandates. Satanism is not a religion one practices through an ideology which must be adhered to but which one identifies with as naturally defining of how one has always lived their life. This is what is meant by the dictum of, “Born, not made.” and we present ourselves accordingly. It is for this reason there could never be any indoctrination or proselytizing into or within our religion. Any attempts to do so are always met with the most resounding of objections from those who “get it”. The mentorship of our young ones, as I see Satanic parenting to be, comes from a curriculum of pragmatism and realism which exults in the magic of allegory, theatrical expression and symbolism. We are here to assist our youth in navigating the world unfettered by the chains of unreasonable expectations and assertively engage in showing them how to think instead of simply what to think. In tandem with this is our dictum of Responsibility to the Responsible. Rather than supporting an environment which extols a victim mentality of blaming others and making excuses, we champion the ego building lesson of being responsible for ones actions and holding others accountable for the same. Submitting to peer pressure is not a valid excuse for poor choices and we do not condone association with groups that undermine an individuals self-worth. In all things, we set the example for our children through living a life unashamed of who we are. If the first step in life is coming to a realization of what you represent, the completion of that circle in all its Satanic glory is being proud of what that is. You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be you.
2) How often do you have to tell your children not to put things in their mouth? – Not as many times as perhaps I should. If it’s not going to poison them and it’s not a choking hazard, they can figure it out for themselves. Why deprive them of the adolescent joy of finding out that Mama’s fruity smelling soap does not indeed taste like mango lemon sherbet? And the humorously betrayed faces when that toy they’ve managed to cram into their mouth sticks out at all odd angles? Kids are far too often not allowed to test the world, even within the relative safety of the home. I think todays kids could do with a healthy dose of getting back to basics, and making a few more mistakes before they find themselves in the much less forgiving world of societal expectations and personal faux pas.
3) Describe your relationship to Satanism and The Church of Satan. – First and foremost I’d like to state that this relationship, as all should truly be, was consensual. Satanists live our religion. We are Satanism. There has never been a need for a brick and mortar Church as we carry our churches with us. In our hearts and minds and upon our bodies, the temple in which Satanism resides comes ready-made in the form of our fleshy vessel and quite appropriately returns to the earth when we leave this mortal coil. Those few who have opened their own personal lairs (the late Anton Szandor LaVey included) to worthy individuals of our cabal do so with a discerning eye and do not suffer the majority to partake in the comradery and ritual which takes place behind closed doors. As a Warlock in the Church of Satan I am active within the organization and the membership which it comprises.
4) Do other parents ever give you shit for being a Satanist? – There have been instances where those whom I associate with on a professional level uncover my association and involvement with what have been labeled, “the dark powers”, and approach me with venomous concern over how they think I must comport myself as a parent. With few exceptions, I have been able to not only allay those concerns but find common ground and now enjoy very supportive and enjoyable friendships with some of them. Parenting is one of those hot button topics which, rightfully so, people tend to take personal and concern themselves over greatly. It is more important to me that a guardian support the individual child through an open and honest relationship, than what they personally choose to believe or to what faith they ascribe themselves to. I’ve found myself agreeing most wholeheartedly with devout believers on some topics, while some of my atheistically inclined fellows hold opposing views.
5) What is your favorite salt-water creature? – I’m a sucker for the octopus. (HAHA)
6) Are you working on any projects currently? – As host of the Raising Hell podcast, I’ve been presenting the Satanic Perspective on Parenting for over three years now. I’ve colluded on a number of projects, some public and others more behind the scenes both within the organization and outside from media representatives and independent artists. There are several endeavors underway which will be released either towards the end of the year or in early 2019 which I’ve had a hand in and I look forward to seeing them come to fruition. Stay tuned!
7) What do you think your greatest accomplishment is? – In my young adult life, I take great pride in having successfully pursued a career in public service as a Fire Fighter while continuing my day job and supporting my family. Working through the required curriculum and academy time throughout the week and attending classes and events on the weekend makes for a busy schedule, but working towards a goal and setting an example for my children with a healthy work ethic and drive to succeed is immensely gratifying.
8) What’s your favorite scary movie? – This is incredibly difficult to answer, as there are a number of incredibly worthy movies. But if there was one I would recommend to people, it would have to be Dog Soldiers (2002). The basic synopsis is that a British Special Forces team is set to do war games against another special forces team, finds them dead in the woods and ends up battling werewolves. For anyone who despises movies where the protagonists don’t fight back and make terrible choices, this one is a refreshing change of pace.
9) If you could tell your young self one thing, what would it be? – Stay the course. At times it will be tough, but you’ll be tougher.
10) Define Magic. – While I could recite the clinical definition of Magic as it applies to Satanism, I prefer to explain it as I would to a child. Magic is what captivates you and in turn, what allows you to hold the world captive. The most mundane of things can hold the greatest of power. The ability of a flame to capture ones attention. The rapture one feels when an infant laughs with joy. The serene peace one can find in the morning sunrise. Whether through you exerting your will to change the hearts and minds of those around you or by ritualistic expression overcoming your own personal tribulations, magic has the ability to change not only the world around you, but that the one in which you choose to move through. (This was beautifully put)
Thank you thank you thank you so much Milton for taking the time to answer my questions. I continue to learn through your words and I can’t wait for the next episode of Raising Hell to come out. Seriously, guys, you have to listen to the show, even if you’re not a parent or not a Satanist.
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The super cool Raising Hell Podcast Emblem 
Stay tuned for even more interviews from our wonderful friends of the Left-Hand Path.
HS!
LH

 

I Don’t Worship Satan, But This Guy Does.

I know my blog is called I’m a Satanist and…, but if you would have done your research, you’d know that true Satanists just use Satan as an external, fictional representation of my best self free from Abrahamic laws. I don’t actually believe that there is a real devil as described by various religions. I say this because I am also referencing the Satan Characters from all of the other religions.

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Taken from YouTuber Breaking Pacts in Jesus Name

There are people out there, however, who do believe in the Christian Satan and worship him as though he were real. We call these people Devil Worshippers and they make life hard for real Satanists who subscribe to the teachings of LaVey.

We who stand with The Church of Satan find ourselves constantly battling these people because they make us look really fucking bad. Just like with people who believe in God, Allah, Odin, or whatever, I say this:

Seek help for your delusions and leave us alone.

 

Seriously. You Devil Worshippers are make Satanists look so bad. We are constantly having to battle these perceptions that we are animal-killing, blood-drinking crazies who dance in circles around fire in the forest during the night in order to bring forth the devil for our Black Magic. I mean, the last part is pretty close but that’s just me. I like fires and dancing…

 

So, I fucking interviewed one.

EXTRA EXTRA WARNING: These views are NOT of the Church of Satan or Satanists. I interviewed a DEVIL WORSHIPPER!! Very different. 

1- How did you first discover Satan? 

I have discovered Satan in church, believe it or not.
I have always been the one to analyze things and really dissect things. Reading this evil ‘bible’ for what it is, I began to question things.. How a ‘god’ could just demand blood sacrifice and slavish worship upon everyone. But that’s something Churches don’t want you to know. Christian churches don’t want you to read the Bible for yourself, they only tell you which parts to read. They mainly want to induce you into a hypnosis state during the program to access your subconscious and further brainwash through fear. This is how it works, they essentially bore you(into fear) to get you to believe the biggest lie ever fabricated, apart from this Holocaust lie.

2- What is your relationship with religion?

Well, religion in itself actually means “to bind” in Latin. Liagre to bind, ‘re’ meaning again. I will not oblige myself to follow anyone’s religion(bindings)
“We used to bow before Kings and Emperors, now we bow only to the truth, and follow only love.” Khalil Gibran. Satya Satnam Satan literally translates into ‘truth’ in Sanskrit, ask any Hindu.

3- If the Hulk and the Predator were in battle, who would you bet on? 

Definitely Hulk🤢

4- If you die and find out that we are TOTALLY wrong, what would you say to the real maker of the Universe? 

“Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blindfolded fear.”-Thomas Jefferson

5- Garlic bread… yes or no? 

Yes, however I do not eat dead animal remains. That’s disgusting and cruel. Animals are our friends. (The Author did not ask this…)

6- Do you perform any types of rituals? If so, are you willing to describe them for me? 

I perform invocation and evocation rituals, mantras, and reverse Torah rituals, basically reversing the spell They have inflicted on the World through blood sacrifice and power. Rituals are essentially putting yourself into a trance like state and communicating with our gods, ‘demons’ into your Astral altar. Remember Lavey himself stated demons are real entities.

7- If you had a familiar, what would it be and why? 

I would like to make my cat my familiar, but he is old.

8- You hear the World has begun a nuclear war. What is the first thing you do? 

Om Namah Shivaya (That sounds delicious)  

9- If the Christian God is real, what would you tell him? 

If you research Ancient Sumeria, Jehova(Jewish God) is Enlil, Enki’s half-brother. ENLIL is the one who drowns humanity because they were too “noisy”. SATAN/Enki prevents that by calling on one of his humans(that Enki created. Enki is our creator God. This is proven) to survive(‘Noah’s ark’) and repopulate along with were animals and other humans.

10- Define Magic. 

Magic is in anything and everything. Magic is all around us. Our words are magic. Our thoughts are magic. People don’t understand how powerful words are.
Because magic has survived and is slowly overpowering religion is because magic is stronger. Religion is an offshoot of magic. Religion does not have roots of its own, lacking strength. Magic is real, so it commands belief.

REMINDER: These are not the views of the Church of Satan. 

Also, I am not going to say who I interviewed, even if you ask nicely. I’m just trying to learn and pass on what I find out to you, my Darling Devils. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE NOTE THAT THESE ARE THE VIEWS OF A DEVIL WORSHIPPER AND NOT A SATANIST. Also these answers are fucking nuts, so.

I hope you all have a great day, Friends of the Infernal Flame!

HS!

LH

I’m a Satanic Witch

No, not the kind of Witch with warts and a long nose who throws newt’s eyes into bubbling cauldrons to make potions that make me immortal. Nor do I lure little children away into the night to suck away their life force to make myself beautiful. No, I am something much more powerful. I am a Satanic Witch.

I would like to make it clear that I am not (yet) a Second Degree Active Member of the Church of Satan, which means a person has moved up from Member to Active Member to Witch/Warlock. There are other levels to the Hierarchy that you can find on the Church of Satan’s website, but I’m not going to touch on those during this post.

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The Satanic Witch and I!

 

For this post is all about Satanic Witches and what I feel it means to be a Satanic Witch. I highly recommend reading The Satanic Witch if you haven’t already because it is a really great guide to figuring out if you even are a Satanic Witch, what kind of Satanic Witch you are, and what the hell that means.

I find myself falling into two different types of Satanic Witches. I am both pretty and an old grandma. I know it seems a little oxymoronic, but that’s who I am. Let me explain a little further.

I like to bake. I really love making sweet baked goods for people, as well as big meals if I have the space to host. I love to feed people and send them home with enough leftovers to fill their bellies for days to come. I am only 24 years old, but my friends will sometimes call me Grandma Lauren because I like to watch Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy, hang out with my cats, cook, bake, and (if my insomnia allows) get to bed before 10.

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My Chocolate Cake

I am also a beautiful. I am! It’s taken me a long time to realize this and call myself beautiful, but it’s part of what makes me a Satanic Witch. I am able to use these eyes and hips to draw people in and help get what I want. This is not to say that I am luring men into the shadows to kill them by flashing them a glimpse of my ankle. Not at all. But, if my pretty smile helps me get a job over a different candidate, you damn well know I’m going to be flashing them these pearly whites throughout the entire interview! Know what you’ve got and make it work for you. With that in mind, let us begin talking about…

Lesser Magic: What I find the most interesting about Lesser Magic is the fact that it is called “Lesser”. I understand that it means the difference between ritual-induced universal influence VS flirting… Lesser magic is literally how you sell yourself. I’m a pretty baker so when I need something I can flutter my lashes and offer a cookie to get what I need. (They’re homemade and I only use Amish butter so there’s a lot of flavor from that fat…. yum!) I digress.

I honestly think that Lesser Magic is the most powerful magic available to the Satanic Witch because we have the ability to use it on the daily. This can also happen over messages, too, if you are, like me, better with the written word than with spoken word. To be fair, I am good at poetry, but you know what I mean. Lesser Magic is known as manipulative  or Non-ritual magic. Then, there is something we use that is called…

Greater Magic: Greater Magic is ritual magic. This is the kind of magic that will cause people to point and scream “BLACK MAGIC” or “DEVIL WORSHIP” and crap like that. That’s bullshit. First off, there’s no such thing as black magic or white magic, there are only delusional people who trick themselves into thinking that they aren’t performing a ritual for selfish reasons. BREAKING NEWS: Everything you do is selfish so just learn to deal with it.

Greater Magic must take place during a ritual. If you haven’t done a ritual yet, I highly recommend it because it made me feel so calm afterwards. Basically, a ritual is done if a Satanist has done everything possible to influence the world physically. Let me give an example. Last year I was interviewed for a job and I went in and did really well and filled out what they wanted me to fill out and graduated college so I could start working right away and then… I waited. I waited and waited and waited and the weight of the waiting was so heavy that I found that all I could do was sit there and wonder if they were going to call me. That’s no way to live! I was wasting my time!

So, I performed a compassion ritual with two of my Satanist friends so that I might sway the mind’s of those thinking of hiring me. I left the ritual finally feeling like I had done everything possible! The choice was far out of my hands and all I could do was hope that my curse would work.

It did! Two days later I got a call and had been hired as a Drama Teacher! 23 years old and straight out of college! Now, I’m not saying that magic is real like in Harry Potter. As cool as that would be, I just don’t buy it. BUT I do believe that Magic is real.

Magic, to me, is very small. Unless we go into the ritual chamber, magic comes to us in the form of being able to make the best box cake anybody has ever tasted. Maybe its finding a full bottle of alcohol on the side of the road one day. Maybe it’s something scientific we just don’t have a name for yet. Hell, we barely understand Gravity.

During a recent interview with a Witch of the Church of Satan, I asked her a quick follow-up question and I basically got the answer I expected.

How do you think being a Satanic Witch differs from being a Satanic Warlock?

“My first impulse is to say that Witches have Vaginas and Warlocks have penises,  but even that rule has exceptions. There’s certainly no different standard for one over the other. When I try to imagine what I would be like as a warlock, the only difference of any significance is that I would have different secondary sexual characteristics. But they would be really significant! I mean, my cock, it would be monstrously huge!” -Heidee Nytes

(If you’d like to read more of that interview, click here).

Damn, I love Satanists.

If you would like to know more about what it means to be a Satanist or a Satanic Witch, I would take a look at a podcast that I listen to. She hasn’t posted since March, but I promise that Confessions of a Wicked Witch with Magistra Ygraine because she is so brilliant. Her voice is very soothing to me so I like to just listen to calm down every now and then. Another fun part of the podcast is the Wicked Witch of the Year Award. This is pretty straight forward, but if you would like to know more, please go listen to the podcast. It’s so good, as are all of the hosts and shows on Radio Free Satan.

Well, I hope you have a Devilish Day my Dark Darlings!

HS!

LH

So Can You!

Okay, I straight up stole that title from Stephen Colbert’s I Am America (And So Can You!), which is a really fun book and can be found here. I highly, highly recommend it if you haven’t read it yet.

But that’s not why we are here! Oh, no, I’m here because I feel the need to tell you about how Satanic you are. Don’t worry, I’m not trying to get you to join the Church of Satan or start calling yourself a Satanist because, odds are, you’re not. But damn, people these days are so Satanic that it makes me laugh when they shit on the Church of Satan.

First off, lets me real, you are all selfish. Yeah, it’s true. Don’t worry, I am, too. Obviously I want the best for me because I have to live my life, not you. Thus, if you really don’t matter to me, then I’ll probably help myself before I help you. It’s nothing personal, I just don’t know 99.9% of the people on Earth.

This is not to say I don’t like to be kind, it’s just for a selfish reasons that I help people. For example, If I have enough money during the holidays, I like to get a few chicken meals (including potatoes, bread, a veggie, and a drink) and give them to homeless people I see around town. I can’t do it very often, but I like doing it because it makes me feel good. Yeah, I am owning up to it. I do things people would consider “philanthropic” because I like the feeling of seeing people happy for something I did.

I also don’t NOT care about people on Earth I don’t know, I do, I just need to take care of me and the people around me before I help the rest of the universe. And my selfishness extends to those close to me. I’d be disappointed if a coworker gets a promotion over my Mother or if my Little Sister got her heart-broken. My friends live within my circle of selfishness, as does my partner. Sound familiar?

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From The Church of Satan Free Downloads

Now, I’ll give you a moment to read all the way through the above picture. Okay, now do it again. Most of them seem like pretty common sense and that’s because they have been carefully constructed to mathematically– No I’m shitting with you, they are just basic common sense. So let’s look at these one by one.

1- This one may be the one I wish most Non-Satanists would learn because it really annoys me when people try to fix things for me when all I need for them to do is listen. Does that make sense? If a friend/coworker/family member/ whatever and I are talking and they ask about a problem I may be having. If I decide to confide it them, I don’t need them to fix whatever is happening, but just listen. If I want to know how you’d fix it, I’ll ask.

2- This is just an extension of the first. Don’t just start telling me about your Sister’s affair out of nowhere, Brenda, all you did was hand me a divider at the Fred Meyer checkout line.

3- I love the word “Lair” in this because it sounds so dark, but it really just means somebody’s space. I say SPACE and not HOUSE because I consider several spaces an extension of my lair. These spaces include my office, my classroom, my personal space, and my car. Don’t touch the stereo.

4- I love the wording in this one, too, because it makes it seem as though I’m going to be throwing somebody in my oven for sneezing on my face. No, but if you sneeze on my face a few times I might as you to leave. If you don’t, then you might be thrown into the oven… Kidding. (Or am I?)

5- THIS IS SO IMPORTANT! Nothing sexual unless you’ve been given consent. I like “Mating Signal” because when I am dating somebody, we can pretty much give consent by using body language and I always make sure whomever I am with knows that they can stop or say no anytime they way. Never force things on people.

6- Don’t steal… Just don’t steal…

7- This one may be the only one that Non-Satanists won’t nod their head at. The way I explain this is as follows: We use the placeholder word “Magic” to describe something we don’t yet have a name for in science. That being said, if you perform a ritual and it goes the way you want, tip your hat to the Devil.

I say magic may also be real, but very small, like being able to make the best cup of coffee in the office even though the water comes from the same place and the beans are the same. (If you’re a high-ranking CoS Member and I am WAAAY off, please tell me).

8- Oh I love this one so much. Have an awful friend who is sucking the life out of you but you keep going back for some reason, you don’t get to complain. Get rid of that Psychic Vampire and move on. Didn’t bother to vote? Then shut up. Start doing something about it.

9- Come on…

10- Again, this is easy. Animal is attacking you? Do anything you can to survive. Starving? Kill an animal to survive. Satanism is a life-loving religion. That being said, don’t hurt animals.

11- Like the first Rule of the Earth, this one is really important. Leave people alone in public and if somebody starts bugging you, tell them to stop. If they don’t leave you be when you ask nicely, SET THEM ON FIRE- No, don’t do that. BUT at that point you are allowed to get mean… or meaner. Just make sure you’re within your rights. Don’t break any laws.

SEE! A lot of these things are common sense to good people! Satanists are good people and a lot of good people are very Satanic, though not Satanists. Remember, Satanists are born, not made.

This is why I get pissed when people look at me in horror or stop talking to me when they find out I’m a member of the Church of Satan because they think I’m dancing with the Devil while eating babies and sacrificing cats. Just do some research and you’ll realize that all I am guilty of is being awesome.

Have a wonderful Walpurgisnacht, my Dearest Devils!

HS!

From Hell,

LH