I’m Afraid

Life is scary. There are a lot of ways to get hurt and killed out there, and we are more aware of that these days than ever before due to how quickly information can spread. Every day I look at my Twitter feed and see numerous headlines such as “Texas water resort closed, tested for ‘brain-eating amoeba’ after man’s death“, “Facebook just had its worse hack ever — and it could get worse“, and “Seven parked cars set on fire in Redmond” and my brain instantly goes “well, what would we do if that happened?”. Well, I don’t know, but maybe I should know.

My day is filled with dangers. I could slip in fall in the shower or just be straight up murdered in my sleep. Every day I drive 45 minutes to and from work, either on the freeway or the nerve-wracking Chuckanut Drive. It’s a wonderfully beautiful area

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From the Oyster Bar on Chuckanut Drive

right edge of the Puget Sound and surrounded by forests, but the road has a lot of twists and turns. The lanes are very small and the road follows a steep cliff, which makes passing large trucks very scary.

The best part is that my car is one of the deadliest to drive these days. To be fair, I’m looking to buy a new one soon but I really needed a new mattress. I know that doesn’t seem as important as a new car, but you should have slept on my old mattress.

Back to danger. So, I work at a school and that makes me nervous due to the school shootings that have occurred. I worry about keeping my students safe and what we would do if something were to happen. I have a plan, but I worry anyway.

If I go out, I could be drugged (that’s happened twice to me), I could get hit by a drunk driver, I could be raped or murdered for denying a man, or sold into the illegal sex trade.

When I’m in the theatre, I could fall from the ladder, lift, or catwalk, which range from 10 feet up to 60 feet up, depending on the location. I could start a fire and die

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From McIntyre Hall. This is one of the theatres I work in. See the catwalk above the house?

from that in various ways. I could be electrocuted. I could get hit by something coming in from the fly system. Also you can just be murdered anywhere, so just add that mentally from now on.

There are many, many diseases all over the world that could destroy my life and leave me in agony for my raining days. There are animals that can sting you, bite you, poison you, paralyze you, brutalize your body and/or murder you. I’m looking at you, Australia.

My greatest fear in the world is dying before my mother followed closely by getting in a violent car accident and burning alive. My phobias are spiders, bees, and clowns/mascots.

The thing is, I still drive to work every day to teach children. I still go 60 feet up onto the catwalk in the theatre and lean five feet out to gel a lamp. I still want to travel and eat new foods! There’s too much to do and see for me to say, but my bucket list is long. There’s a lot I’ve already done, too, like driving across country in 18-wheelers and performing in the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

I live my life aware of the possible hazards and I think about what I would do in situations, but I don’t live my life as if it will happen every time I step out of the house. That’s no way to enjoy what the universe has to offer.

Go for a drive down Chuckanut if you’re ever in Bellingham, but pay attention to the road and wear your seatbelt. Have a belt-cutter and a way to break your window in case you crash into the water. If you’re prepared, you’ll be okay.

Case in point: Last winter my boyfriend and I were driving home from a party in Seattle. It was really, really snowy and he’s driving slower, but we came to a big hill on I-5 (just past the Starboard road exit if you’re familiar) and at the bottom, I felt the car start to slip. Dylan started to panic a little and I watched the trees and the lights of oncoming traffic as we spun towards the median. He was trying to correct

black car on roadway while raining during nighttime

and hit the break, so I very calmly said to take his foot off the break and keep his hands still. Eventually, we came to a stop facing traffic, though it was really far up the road. After a breath, we continued. This time, much slower. We passed other cars that night that had spun out. Some had gone into the trees, others into guard rails or just straight off the road. When we made it home, I almost cried.

My point here is that I was able to be calm because I was prepared. I wasn’t afraid, even as it was happening. I distinctly remember feeling a crisp, chilly weight in my stomach and feeling very even. I was the calm within the storm and we didn’t go off the road.

So, what I’m trying to say is to go out and live your life, just be prepared.

Okay, off to school. I’ll talk to you later, my Darling Devils.

HS!

LH

 

I Hate Lady-fied Words

In the Theatre, we have sort of moved away from using “actress”. Some people still use it if a bunch of actors are in a room and they need to point at a lady next to a bunch of dudes and need to distinguish her from the others, but normally we’d just describe the actor.

People very obviously get irritated when people say things such as “Female Prosecutor” and “Woman Professor” because it indicated that having a woman as whatever is being described is abnormal. For example, “I was driving to Wal-Mart and this fucking lady truck driver cut me off!”. Now, I’m not saying the speaker hates women, it just implies that truck drivers can’t be ladies and people get pissed at that.

adult doctor girl healthcare

So, can we just all agree to stop lady-fying words that are perfectly fine as they are. I was on Twitter recently and somebody had tweeted something that called a woman a “Shero”. They had mixed together “Hero” and “She” in order to lady-fy it and I’m sure they meant to do it in order to fight the patriarchy but here’s the thing: Hero is not a gendered word. I’m a lady and if ever anybody calls me a hero for some reason, my reaction would not be “excuse me, sir, but I am a woman”.

Hero comes from the Greek and meant “Protector” or “Defender”, though I did find one definition that translated it as “Safeguard”. It’s just a word and a word that doesn’t contain, at least in my eyes, any sexism.

Another example of this is “Shemale’ which is an informal, offensive way to describe a guy who looks feminine, a masculine woman, a trans woman, and more. This does have an offensive, sexist definition and is a word that I do not use. It’s a word that is meant to hurt people and separate them into something not normal.

So, this blending of words in order to make them feminist is very strange. I know some words were created with the idea of “women are lesser” in mind, but I don’t think we should be gendering somebody’s greatest moment.

Let’s say you’re a woman and you’ve done something amazing. You’re a firefighter who saved a kid from a burning building and the news is interviewing you and they ask you “What does it like to be a Shero?”. That would irritate me because it’s taking attention away from the incredible act. It makes people think about “wait, Shero. What’s that. Oh, because she’s a woman who is a hero”. I don’t want them thinking about that! I would want them thinking about how I’m an amazing firefighter! I’m not, but ya know what I’m saying.

So, let’s maybe focus on some more important shit like how a lying sex-offender is controlling The United States.

I’ll be back later, my Lovely Lucifers.

HS!

LH

This is my “Me Too”

Listen, if this post isn’t something you want to hear about, click away now. I don’t want shitty comments on here because it isn’t productive. So if you’re going to be a twat, find the nearest exit (which may be behind you) and exit the plane.

So, I had a man force himself on me. I know, I’m being very blunt but I don’t want to sugarcoat this in any way.

Two years ago I was on the bus home from University and, as we were rounding a corner, the bus made a really scary sound and everybody’s eyes snapped up. I happened to make eye-contact with a guy we will call Jackson. Jackson had really pretty blue eyes and made a little worried face that made me laugh a bit, so we started talking.

photo of a woman standing inside bus

When the bus stopped, we got off and started walking the same way. Then we kept walking the same way until we were at my apartment door and, as it happened, so was he! Jackson was my across-the-hall neighbor. We spoke a few times and I found out he was a Marine and was a business major. He wasn’t somebody I saw myself with, but I thought he was nice enough.

Not long after meeting, he invited me over to watch Aladdin. Though, we didn’t watch it in the living room because “his neighbors get jealous when he brings women over” so we watched it in his bedroom. Whatever, I understood hiding from my roommates because I, too, had roommates that preferred their privacy.

Well, that’s when he started trying to have sex with me. I said no and it happened anyway. That’s all I’ll say about that. After, I ran home and went to sleep. I think I had a drink and a cigarette before sleeping. I just wanted to go to bed and wake up and move on. Nobody would believe a sailor could do such a thing, right? And girls made stuff up all the time… right? So I was told.

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I went to great pains to avoid Jackson and my grades and work suffered. I was often late because I was hiding away. Eventually, I stopped seeing him and figured he had moved out. Later, I met a girl in a Technical Writing class who had been one of his roommates. It turns out he had done the same thing to her that he did to me.

I also found out he had killed himself.

When I googled his name, I found his obituary and real all the loving comments below. I thought about saying something and revealing the monster that had ruined my life but I didn’t. There was no point anymore, was there?

I still don’t trust everybody and I have a hard time with some sexual things, especially near the anniversary. I’ve moved on a lot and I know it’ll be okay later, but the scars are still there.

I’m not asking for sympathy or whatever, I just wanted to tell my story and let those who may be going through this now that you’ll be okay and to urge them to report it. You’ll be okay. I promise.

The thing is, he could have gone somewhere with me if he had been patient.

Have a good Sunday, my Darling Devils.

HS!

LH

I’m Going Back to School

Yup! I’ve decided to go back to school. No, I don’t mean the school where I work, though I do plan on going back there today as I’d like to keep my job. I really like being a Teacher.

Though, I’m not technically a teacher. I do teach a middle and high school class, but I don’t have my teaching certificate yet. Well, then how am I teaching? Long story short, I was going to school for English and Theatre degrees and I had my English BA finished when I was contacted by La Conner School District. They didn’t have any applications for their Theatre Program and my mom’s friend (who works there) knew that I had been working in and studying theatre for years so she asked me to apply.

analog binder blank book

Well, at this point, I was still in school, so I applied real quick, graduated with my BA in English Creative Writing, and quit my job as a janitor. I got the job and they issued me an “Emergency Certificate” which is good until for three school years. So, I teach, but I’m not a Teacher in the sense that I haven’t had formal training.

Yet.

I’ve been accepted into a Masters program already, though I need to take two classes at a community college in order to get all my prerequisites covered and I could not be more excited! I’ve missed being a student and using my brain… though the nicest thing will be only worrying about my assignments and not 38. Also, I won’t have to write tests or lecture and that is awesome.

Unfortunately, I may not be able to get financial aid at the community college because I already have a Bachelor’s… I don’t get it either but that’s what they told me. So, my bill would end up being over $1000 for just the two classes and not counting books.

The reason I bring this up is because I’m considering creating a Patreon and I was wondering what your thoughts are on the matter. Obviously, I’d post more often since y’all would be literally paying for my words, but I’d still post content here for those who can’t. Trust me, I get that, I was only just finally to become a Patreon of Reverend Campbell.

So, let me what you know in the comments or shoot me an email. I’ll see you later, my adorable abominations!

HS!

LH

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I Worship Beauty

I walk a lot. I like to take a route that goes from my house to downtown to the ferry docks and back. There’s a long trail that goes through two parks and the whole trek is probably about 4 miles. I try to do this walk whenever I can because not only is it good for my body but it is beautiful. I get to see the various people and buildings downtown and the brick and older folk that hangout in the Fairhaven area. I also get to walk through the forest and along the Puget Sound, where I’ll sometimes see various animals such as seals and ducks playing in the water. It’s a beautiful walk and I greatly enjoy my time. (Also, my butt looks great).

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Not from last night, but still from my route

Last night’s walk was particularly wonderful for a few reasons. For one, the weather wasn’t super hot, though it was a little muggy, but the clouds were back and there was a light rain, so it wasn’t too bad. At one point, it did start raining a little harder, though this was a great mishap as I was able to get an espresso poured over Oreo gelato and it was AMAZING! I also had to wait on two long trains, which was not amazing, but that’s okay.

A few times, I would stop on my walk and just look around at all the wonderful beauty around me. Normally, I walk while listening to music, but when I take my little moments, I pause the sound and listen to whatever there is to hear. Sometimes, its conversation. Other times, all I hear are the sounds of The Sound; waves shush against the beach rocks, gulls and ducks chatter and dip under the water, and the wind whispers damp, salty air through my hair.

It was lovely. Well, until some damn woman came up and started talking to me. She wanted to point out the river otters that were playing just off shore, which I had been looking at, and comment on the general beauty of the scene. I agreed with her. The sun was setting and streaming through small breaks in the clouds onto the calm Puget Sound waters. In some places, the pink light caught the shadow of rain falling in the distance, dyeing it.

The woman then signed deeply and said “God is great” and, since this was a stranger, I simply nodded in agreement. I understood what she meant and I also didn’t want to get into an argument with a stranger on a dock. What she saw was a scene made for her by a creator who she called God. She thought she was seeing His hand in the waves, the hills, the birds, the light. She thought that she was seeing God through nature.

In the end, we agreed. What she was trying to say to me was that she thought what we were seeing together was breathtaking, which was true, we just had a different perspective. I think mine is far more beautiful than a creator. I look at the Puget Sound and I see the randomness of The Universe that, hundreds of years ago, began to create the necessary components for stars, which warm our home. The Sun just so happened to form and Earth came together just in the perfect spot for liquid water to occur, giving life a fighting chance. That water froze and flowed and changed the face of the planet, changed where my ancestors came and went, changed my life. The choices of people who would never know me or imagine me made it possible for me to even exist on this random planet.

I looked at the beauty of the Puget Sound as I stood there with this woman and felt awe. I was blessed with life thanks to events out of my control and that is what I worship. I thank the Universe for existing and Life for allowing me to experience it. I would never credit such glory to anything but nature and my heart hurt slightly for the woman who would never bother to learn about what really had to happen for us to be standing there together, looking at the river otters gliding through the water, because she thought she already knew. She thought it was a gift from God.

I said my goodbye and began to walk, Lighting Crashes by Live playing in my headphones. Others had stopped to watch the river otters in the sunset-stained water and I wondered how they saw the moment. I wondered if they were even thinking about it.

Later on, I was alone on the trail and saw the river otter again, this time swimming in a water hole shaded by birch trees. I had the moment to myself this time and didn’t waste it thinking about glaciers or god. This time, I watched the otter glide between flustered geese and ducks. I took note of how his nose popped up and down as he swam and how the color of his coat matched the logs that he slid past.

The sun has started to come out and seems to promise another beautiful evening walk. I can’t wait to see what the universe has for me to stumble upon today.

Hail Beauty, my Darlings!

HS!

LH

 

It’s Saturday!

Man, I gotta say, it has been a long week. I’m not sure if that’s because school is back and I’m not used to having to do things or if it’s because my mattress is broken… Either way, it was a long week.

I wanted to talk to you guys real quick about something personal. Something that a few readers might be uncomfortable talking about. Something that happened to me just last week… I want to talk to you about periods.

Oh, get over yourself, it’s not that big of a deal. Every month (normally) women go through this and most of the time you’d never even know. Literally hundreds of women in your town alone are having their period.

But we’re not here to talk about other people’s period, we are here to talk about my period, which is a little different from “normal”. First of all, I only get mine every three months and second, when it does come I get endometriosis and that is some next-level pain.

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Yeah, like that

So, why the hell would I feel the need to talk to you about my damn period? Well, because I feel I turn into my purest form of “Satanist” during those six days. First of all, I have to be thinking about how I look more than normal because if I leak through my tampon, it can get through my clothing and suddenly I have a big red stain on my ass. That is not ideal. That is not the image of myself I want in the world. So, I have to pay attention to when I put a tampon in and make sure it’s changed. You’d think this would be easy, but when you’re busy it can be a challenge.

Next, I am in so much pain. Like, screaming-into-my-knees-even-after-I-take-Pamprin pain. This does nothing other than make me really appreciate the times when I am not in pain, which I can see the theoretical value in, but it’s really not that great in practice. Why, why, why would any person, especially a Satanist, want to be in pain like that while also trying to drive, work, be a member of their family, be a good friend or partner. It’s impossible!

So, when I am in this pain, I am a huge asshole. Massive, massive asshole. I don’t mean to and I’m just hurting and my focus is more on that. I’m mad at my body not you asking me if I can do the dishes or some stupid crap like that.

During this time, I just want to focus on me. I want to eat whatever I am craving and lay around with a hot pad and stupid TV to watch. For those of you who want to know what you can do to help, you can do what we want you to do. If we want a back rub, it’s because our spine is going to break in half and it feels like somebody has been punching our kidneys all day, so do it!

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I feel it

Here’s the thing, though. I don’t need anybody to come rescue me when I’m on my period because I know what to do and I will fix it myself. I know that I have to go on a walk, even if that sounds awful, because it will help the pain. I know I have to keep tampons and medicine on my person in case of emergencies. I know what to do if there is a leak and everything goes to shit.

As a Satanist, I’m not going to sit there in pain and post about it in Facebook. I am going to fix it so that I can continue to live my life. I still need to be able to go teach the children and do the various small jobs my family asks me to do. I have cats to take care of and things I want to be able to do and I refuse to let a fucking period take away from any of the things I actually enjoy.

So, all in all, I guess I’m trying to say that everybody needs to chill the fuck out about periods and just let women do what we need to do. Sometimes we may ask for help, sometimes not.

Also, the Supreme Court needs to vote NO on Kavanaugh’s confirmation.

HS!

LH

I Get Anxious

So, I’ve talked previously about how I live with depression, which is something that runs in my family. This post is going to be similar to that. I want to talk about my Anxiety, how it impacts my life, and how I deal with it as a human and a Satanist.

First off, I want to talk directly to the people who think that this is bullshit. This whole post is for you because I want to explain to you the physical toll it takes on my body. This is more than “just getting nervous” or “an excuse”. It’s real and it hurts.

The Mayo Clinic defines anxiety as “intense, excessive and persistent worry and fear about everyday situations”, which is may not seem like a big deal, but those who live with anxiety can tell you otherwise.

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Photo by Markus Spiske 

Here’s how it goes down for me. It doesn’t matter how big or small an issue may be, I will puke. Every morning, and sometimes into the day, I will puke and puke until there’s nothing in my stomach and then it’ll keep trying to pull stuff up. It’s really gross and it’s really bad for my throat and teeth. It gets so bad during really stressful times in the year that I have to schedule time into my morning to deal with this.

One time, it was almost immediate. My car broke down two hours away from my house one night and I had to wait two hours and pay $300 for it to get towed to my parents house 30 minutes closer. My Mom let me use her car to get the rest of the way home and as soon as I got into her car, driving again, my body knew that it was out of the situation, I threw up in my lap. I knew it was going to be expensive and that I was going to have to go live with my parents until it was fixed, which was going to take forever because my dad refuses to help people other than himself, but in a dickhead way.

Something that also crosses my mind in these states of anxiety is suicide. Now, I’m a Satanist, so I would never kill myself, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t a thought I have from time to time. Here’s the thing, it’s okay to be weak and to have these thoughts as long as you don’t act on them, but instead do something to relieve yourself from whatever is causing these issues.

The thing is that I thrive in high-stress environments such as theatre. I love being a Stage Manager and being in charge of everything. I like fixing problems and calling cues and getting actors into places and all the millions of other things that an SM does.

I do not like walking past the woman who cleans my classroom because she is really passive aggressive and does a crap job anyway. I could do better because I used to be a damn good janitor. I loved being a janitor because the cleaning soothed my anxiety about writing a paper in class or having to tell my director I needed a night off.

So, what do I do? Well, I do my best to get these things I’m nervous about done as soon as I can so that my body doesn’t kill itself. I also try to get something easy in my stomach, normally a protein shake, before I start to feel too nauseated. Sometimes it comes back up no matter what I do and the shake is easier. (I know this is TMI but I’m trying to make a point).

I also get nightmares, bite my nails until they bleed, shake, and get irrationally upset. I don’t like myself and I don’t like how I feel, so I want it to stop as fast as possible and that means fixing the problem, as scary as that may be.

Remember, it’s okay to feel this way, but you have to work to get out of that funk so you can enjoy life.

Have a wonderful rest of your day, my Sweet Satans.

HS!

LH