I’ve Made a Big Change

Hey folks, how’s it going on this lovely Friday? It’s a little wet and cloudy here in Washington, but that’s okay as it keeps the land green and the tourists away!

person holding a wine glasses

I’d also like to take a moment to say thank you to everybody who has followed the blog or reads it now and again. (Almost 100 followers!) It’s really nice to see people enjoy listening to what I say as I scream it into the void. I like to use this space as a sort of public diary and if anybody reads it and likes it, then that’s all the better. With that in mind, I’d like to tell a story.

I was dating a man for two years. We had moved in together quickly because I was in a bad living situation when we started dating and while it may have been fast, it worked out. Well, the relationship started to degrade. We still loved each other, we just weren’t IN LOVE with each other, if that makes sense. Time went by and I could feel us slowly slipping apart, which hurt because I still really cared about the guy. I didn’t want to lose a close friend, nor did I want to hurt feelings. We were together for two years! We shared everything.

Well, a few weeks ago, I finally decided something needed to be done. I wanted to be kind, so I waited until after the holidays, but I also wanted to start off the year fresh. So, a few days before New Years Eve, I made a nice dinner. My plan was to make a really nice evening so that he wouldn’t feel as if I was being a big dick.

I made steak and purple and yellow potatoes for dinner and cheesecake for dessert. We didn’t really use the dining table that much, so I decided to do it there so that he wouldn’t have to sit at the couch where we normally hang out, thinking about how I had left him. Was I over thinking this? Yeah, probably.

So, we ate dinner and I eventually looked at him and started the conversation I had been playing in my head over and over again. He knew what I was going to say and confessed that it was something he had been considering for a while, too. What a relief! After I knew that, I was totally at ease, and we just ended it without conflict.

I left for a few days so that he could have his space, eventually coming back because I needed stuff. We started talking and hanging out and I realized that our relationship could survive. We could still be friends!

Where we are, the cost of living is super high and moving expenses can be crazy high, especially in a college town. We both started looking for places to live, but we realized there was no way we could afford to live alone, nor did we want to try to find new people to live with. He actually interviewed some potential roommates, but found that they were, well, sub par.

He and I ended up getting drunk one night and just talking. We talked about how we were doing and what we were feeling. We also talked about the living situation and realized that we were totally fine continuing to live together. We have a great apartment and didn’t want to give it up. It’s cheap and close to everything and allows cats. So, we’ve decided to find a happy medium.

We’re going to get separate beds and treat it like a dorm. I know, this may seem strange since we were dating for so long, but it is actually working out really nicely. We watch movies together and do hair and face masks together. We really were best friends more than we were lovers, and now we are having more fun than we ever did when we were dating. Plus, now we’re both single! If he wants to go out on a date, I’ll help him get ready and vacate if he ends up getting lucky.

Maybe it’s odd, but it works for us. I’m glad I was able to date him for a while, but in the end he’s my best friend, and we’re both a lot happier this way. Besides, we’ve discussed that people have needs and causal sex isn’t off the table… It’s not like we haven’t done it before! Wonderful benefits.

I hope you all find what works for you! This weekend I’ll be hitting the clurbs with my cousin, so we’ll see what happens.

Have a great rest of your day, my darling devils.

HS!

LH

 

It’s New Years Eve!

Man oh man, I am excited! New Years Eve is one of my favorite holidays and it is finally here! Now, I know some of you might be saying today isn’t the holiday, tomorrow is, but come on let’s be honest here. Most people are celebrating tonight and spend tomorrow eating and nursing hangovers.

At least, that’s how I’ve always done it. Other people may celebrate differently, but I think I’m in the majority. So, tonight, I’ll be going out with friends and partying until midnight… and probably past that, too.

man with fireworks

One thing that a lot of people do, too, is to make promises to themselves in the form of a New Year’s Resolution. I think it’s really funny that people do them for the same reason it’s funny that we celebrate New Years. It’s pointless. Yes, we are going into a brand new year, but all that means is that the Earth has come back around to a random point in its orbit again. It did that April 9th, too, but I was the only one I knew celebrating that date.

All that being said, I love that people make New Years Resolutions. For one thing, it causes them to reflect on the parts of themselves they may want to change and make a plan to change it. It may be going to the gym or being a “better person” or a better student or maybe even smaller and more personal.

I don’t do resolutions because I don’t need an arbitrary date to be self-reflective. I do, though, try to clear my conscience. I want to go into this New Year free of anything that may be weighing me down. This isn’t to say that I’ll be performing a ritual, but I have been going through my life and taking stock. Anything I deem as negative is removed. Some of these things were really difficult because they involved major changes that had an impact on others.

But I feel really good! I thought I was being a “good little Satanist” and living my best life, but I wasn’t. I was living a safe life, within which I had fallen into a comfortable rhythm. I don’t want to go into detail just because it may be too soon to talk about it on my little blog, but I can tell you that I am a better Satanist for having made these changes and that makes me a better overall person.

So, whatever you’re thinking about changing, do it. Fucking do it. If you’re trying to better yourself FOR YOURSELF, then what’s holding you back? I will tell you that I know it will be scary and I know it might be painful, but you have a duty to yourself to get your ass up and make this universe EXACTLY how you want it, because it’s the only one you’ve got and it’s the only chance you’ll get.

Now, time to attack the laundry. I like to go into the New Year with a clean house.

Happy New Year!

Hail Satan!

LH

God Failed Me.

I know God isn’t real so the title of this blog might seem a little strange but it is going to make sense in the end. If you watched my recent video with Reverend Campbell you might remember me saying that I had only been a Satanist for about a year and a half now and a Citizen of the Infernal Empire since February 2018.

I’ve been thinking about these answers and figures and I realize that I need to elaborate a little bit. So, I think it’s time to tell you guys a story. It’s a sad story, but it has a happy ending. It’s going to cover a lot of ground, but I promise it won’t be too long.

My parents met in late in 1992 when my Mom was on her way to Dairy Queen and Dad was out driving with his friend. He was in Washington State for the Navy and was out looking for a party when he was blonde hair in a car and thought she might be going to one. Well, when they got to DQ, they met, and it must have been love at first sight because I was born during April 1994. My parents got married not long after finding out Mom was pregnant and not long after I was born my parents moved back to Pennsylvania where my Dad is from.

A year after that, my parents got a divorce. To be totally honest, I don’t know exactly why. Mom has said things like they were too young and were in different places in life and crap like that, but I know better. My Dad was too young to be a Dad and Mom had to step up and do it all. She did just that. My Mom is a bad ass woman and it might be easy to blame the rest of this story on her, but I don’t and if you say something bad about my Mom I will freak out. She’s an amazing woman and everything I hope to be one day.

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Christmas a few years ago

So, Mom and I went back to Washington to be with her side of the family. She worked a lot and my grandma would take care of me or my aunt or family friends. Mom had a few short-term boyfriends who I don’t remember after my Dad, but they never worked out. Then she met a person who we will call Sam.

Mom was with Sam for 17 of my 19 years and Sam is the father of my Half-Sister and Half-Brother. I love those kids so much and am thankful they are here; Don’t forget that during the rest of this story.

Sam abused my Mom and I. After my Sister was born, everything changed with him. He started drinking all night, every night. He drove us to Christmas dinner after drinking a fifth of vodka. He gambled away our money until we got evicted from house after house after house. Mom used to have to take us an hour away to find him because he was too drunk and out of money. One time, when my Dad called, Sam picked up and told him his daughter had two black eyes.

Sam once forced me to pee my pants. He refused to let me use a toilet and then laughed at me and made me clean it up and then worse. Then my sweet little brother was born. Nothing changed. I have internal and external scars from Sam that I will always carry. There were many times when I thought I was going to die and sometimes that was okay.

I have a semi-religious family. They took me to church sometimes, mostly when I was back east, and while I was never a Christian, I did try to reach God. When I was locked in a closet all day, I prayed all day. After a knife cut a deep, red line across my skin, I prayed until the bleeding stopped. I was desperate and alone and I was willing to try anything, so I prayed.

Nothing happened. Nothing changed. My Mom was the one who saved me in the end because she had taken enough. She had been trying to do her best for my little Brother and Sister, but she knew nothing would be good for them if she were dead. I had also finally told her the extend of the abuse I had faced at Sam’s hand. She had no idea.

In the middle of the night one night, we grabbed everything and we left. We took the animals and enough clothing to get us through a week. I went to school though nobody else went to their normal activities because school was a haven for me, even though I had to worked through abuse from me peers there. I worked my ass of and ended up going to college during school because I knew I needed to succeed. That would mean I had won.

Not long after all this, my Mom married my Dad again and they are still married to this day. It was a hard transition for my Sister and Brother, as well as myself, because we were all on edge. I’m still hand-shy. Sam tried his best to break us, though. He got us evicted and lied so my Dad would lose his job. I was, for some reason, followed by the police because of him.

But we are here now and we have all won. I am a teacher and a professional Lighting Designer. My Mom works in the same school district as I do and Dad is a tower crane operator. My sister is going to WSU and my Brother is my student so I can check his grades and he is currently getting all A’s.

Sam works at a casino, which is fine, but also has 3 DUIs and is massively in debt. Well, I think he should have 3 but only has 1 because he wiggled his way out of them.

We won.

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Dad, Me, and Mom on my birthday a year ago

What I am trying to get at here is that I’ve always been a Satanist, even when I was praying in a closet for hours. It madam realize that the only person who can save you is yourself. You can get help from friends and family like I did, but you have to ask and you have to make it known you need help. I kept myself alive and anybody who tries to tell me God helped can kiss my clitoris because it was me; Me and My Mom and my family.

I’m not looking for sympathy or tears here because I’ve had a wonderful life thus far. I’ve traveled the country in 18-wheeler trucks and learned to bowl in Wyoming. The guy who taught me had 3 fingers and that’s all he could do anymore. I’ve seen more stars in the sky than I could even imagine because I was so far out in the middle of nowhere. I taught myself a piece of My Heart Will Go On while in Florida on the edge of a hurricane. I’ve seen Hamilton! I get to be a teacher and be in love with my Best Friend. I get to have a wonderful family who will always love me. I get to live in the most beautiful state in the USA. I’ve traveled in tug boat and have flown in so many airplanes that I can feel us starting our decent before the pilot even announces it.

Yeah, I’ve had a wonderful life. I’ve done a lot already and I’m only 24! I can’t wait to see where I take myself next in life.

Hae a great rest of your Sunday, my Sweet Satanists!

HS!

LH

I’m Celebrating!

There are a lot of Christian holidays, such as Christmas, Easter, and Good Friday, as well as holidays that seem to be smeared with God’s presence even if it shouldn’t be such as Thanksgiving and the Fourth of July. Now, I still enjoy most of these holidays. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not praising the lord and begging forgiveness, but I will go to evening service at a Christian church on Christmas Eve. Why? I like it when they sing Silent Night with only candles to light the church. It’s really pretty, sue me.

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This… this is a candle

But, there are Satanic Holidays. As I stated in a previous post, one’s own birthday is the highest of the Unholy Holidays because Satanism is a Life-Celebrating religion. Basically, Death is the Great Abstinence so we must make the most out of life, which makes the day in which you entered life YOUR most important day. This is just a really long way of saying ‘The Party Don’t Start ‘Til I Walk In”.

Another Unholy Holiday that seems pretty obvious is Halloween! Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course Satanists are going to love Halloween because it’s so deliciously dark! This is also a date in which, according to The Satanic Bible, all manner of spirits, devils, witches and spirits are on the loose! Well, at least to the older folks in Scotland during the time of the Druids. Those crazy kids, on the other hand, used the night to perform fertility rituals and others that might help sway a certain partner to them, sexually speaking.

The changing of the seasons, marked by the solstices and equinoxes, are also important to Satanism as they represent change and self-recreation.

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Spring vs Winter in WA

BUT! The Satanic Holiday in which I am celebrating today is Walpurgisnacht! Yes, it is almost Walpurgisnacht, which means we are half-way to Halloween! Yay! (I think I’m going as the Satanic Priestess version of Mother Theresa).

Walpurgisnacht takes place each year, starting on the evening of April 30th and ending in the evening of May 1st. It is celebrated in the name of Saint Walpurgis, or Walpurga, and is basically a second Halloween. This celebration marked the change from Winter to Summer and was seen as a day in which the veil between the living and the dead was again thin, as it is on Halloween.

Sadly, I have to work on Walpurgisnacht. Technically I could take the day off, as well as Halloween and my Birthday, but I’m not going to. I need the money and I would rather cash my sick days in for a boost to my paycheck or, just maybe, use them if I got sick. Besides, I like my job.

So, instead, I’m celebrating today! Now, this doesn’t mean to you what it means to me. For one person, this may mean inviting a bunch of people over and sharing the day together playing games and eating good food. Hey, sometimes I’m down for that, too. But, for my, celebrating this Satanic Holiday (at least this year) means not leaving the house, hanging with my cats, and staying in my PJs all day. That’s just how I roll.

So, that being said, I hope you all have a wonderful Unholy Holiday and Celebrate in your own way, my Demonic Darlings.

HS!

From Hell,

LH

I’m Bisexual

Sexuality is something very personal and it’s hard to put a clean label on anybody. Now, this is where some people start rolling their eyes as far back into their head as they can and to them, I say this: Shut the fuck up.

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My Senior Photo

Yeah, shut the fuck up, because you’re just being ridiculous. One thing I’ve never been able to wrap my head around is the fact that some people are willing to spend so much energy on something that literally doesn’t impact their lives in any way.

Let me give an example: I don’t like cheese. I don’t! It just tastes funny to me and I can only eat in warm on things like pizza and mac. People always give me funny looks when I say I don’t like cheese, but then shrug and pop another bit of cheese bit of cheese in their mouth. Now, what they could do is throw me out of the house and never let me back in. That seems a little crazy, but it’s basically what a lot of parents do to their kids when they find out the truth. “Oh, you don’t like dick? Get the fuck out”.

When I sleep with a girl or find myself checking out a girl, the only people I am directly affecting are me and the girl. Now, since I have a boyfriend, Dylan would have some opinions, but he’s not in this hypothetical universe. (Sorry, Darling). Anybody else who is reacting to the happenings between me any another person is choosing to spend their energy focused on our lives and aren’t actively trying to better their own lives. Well, as long as nobody is being physically hurt (without consent) and everybody involved has agreed to participating.

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Grandma and I blowing bubbles

Basically, we don’t need your shit because we are already drowning in our own. For most people, as I will never claim to speak for everybody, when we start having feelings for the same-sex (or whatever), we try to push it down. We were taught it’s not normal. Sometimes this is taught directly through religion or family values. By family values, I mean a homophobic parental unit who likes to use terms such as “faggots” or “homos”. These are the people who don’t want to let Trans people use the bathroom that matches their identity, but will beat them up for having the audacity to wear lipstick in the “Men’s room”.

Most often, though, we are taught to feel abnormal about these feelings indirectly. This takes the form of movies, shows, books, etc. We see happy heterosexual couples and the gay friend is always the butt of some joke. We hear phrases like “no homo, bro” because having these feelings MUST be so bad that you have to make sure people know you’re not gay.

It’s hard to walk through the world with all of these negative messages hitting you all the time. You start to push everything down and you hate yourself. This is why a lot of teens attempt suicide, and, sadly, a lot succeed in taking their own lives.

When I was going through school, I got a lot of shit for the way I presented myself and, once I came out, the fact that I was bisexual. Everybody thought it was a phase, including my mom. To be fair, a lot of people were saying they were bi so they would get attention. Again, not everybody, but a lot. People also bullied me by not talking to me, spreading rumors, spitting on me, slamming my locker, pushing me, and more I’m sure I’m forgetting. It wasn’t a great time.

But I got through it! I survived every awful day of childhood. Even when my mom didn’t believe me and I felt alone, I made it. That’s what matter. Adulthood is… different. I’m lucky to live in a really accepting area of the United States, so I don’t get a lot of hate here. What I do get is people who fetishize me. Oh yeah, Bisexual people are often asked to be part of group sex or sex with somebody’s partner while “they watch”. Please stop asking me to be part of your fantasy. I don’t sleep around and am actually a serial monogamist. I’m not shitting on other people who are fine with this and o sleep around, you do you, but I don’t want it. That’s why you should, I don’t know have some tact and let me finish my god damn drink, Carl!

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Oh my god…

Where I work, however, is a little more conservative in thinking. They’re mostly old farmers who go to church on Easter and Christmas. I tend to just keep my mouth shut in these areas, unless somebody starts spewing utter crap. Then I’ll chime in as a fact-checker. I’m not ashamed of who I am, I just don’t want to waste my time and energy on fighting a battle nobody will win. Honestly, we just need to wait for a lot of these people to die… Sorry. *Enter “Hard To Swallow Pills” Meme Here*

In the end, it’s just important to know who you are and love that person. You are perfect, no matter what. If you have no sex, cool. If you have all the sex, cool. If you like guys, cool. If you like trans guys, cool. If you don’t like romantic relations, cool. If you are attracted to all the things, cool. If you like only your opposite sex, cool. If you have multiple partners at once, cool.

I literally don’t care. It doesn’t impact my life in any way because I’m not worried about what anybody else is doing in the bedroom, as long as it’s all consensual and safe. Be smart, kids. Anybody who stays up late trying to figure out how to make the gays stop doing their own thing is spending too much energy on something that literally wouldn’t affect their life if they didn’t let it.

All this being said, if you need support in any way, feel free to email me. No matter what.

Have a wonderful Saturday, my Delicious Devils!

HS!

LH

I Am Beautiful!

Hell, yeah, I’m willing to say it. I’m a pretty person! I don’t mean to sound full of myself, but that’s exactly what this post is going to sound like because it’d about loving yourself, which is taking me a long time to do. Yeah, I’m still in the progress of accepting myself as pretty because I was told for so long that I wasn’t.

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Me, age 17, and Harper

From a very young age, around 6, I was told I was ugly. My former Stepdad was very abusive and always made me feel very low. At the same time, my peers weren’t any kinder. I was growing into my body and didn’t yet fit the image of what was beautiful. I was trying to figure out who I was, how I wanted to present myself, and where I fit into the world. As a woman, this is really hard. I was expected to be smart and funny and sporty and kind and this and that and it was so much pressure. My Mom was the only person who made me feel loved.

My grandma, an alcoholic, once told me I should never have children because I was so bad with kids. Yeah, I was 13. I wasn’t even good with myself yet. These things start to eat at a person and soon I wondered if I was even worth the oxygen I was breathing. I wasn’t pretty enough or smart enough. I couldn’t be a mom. What else is there in the world?

At age 15 I tried to end my life by taking a metric butt-ton of sleeping pills. One they started to take, I regretted everything. My boyfriend’s mom saw that something was very wrong and took me to the hospital. I’m eternally grateful to her since I love the life I have now so much.

My Mom left my former step dad in the middle of the night and that was the best day of my life. I had a new begging. I could be my own person without hate or persecution. After that, I thrived.

I was able to get the help and medication I needed, which gave me the drive to start learning and really taking care of myself. It’s only as of late that I’ve started to think of myself as a pretty person. My love, Dylan, who I’ve spoken about previously, has helped me so much in my journey to love myself. He’s helped me love my flaws because they make me who I am.

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Me now (April 2018)

I’m still working on loving myself entirely because I seem to keep finding things about myself I dislike each day. But each day, I see something else that’s beautiful. I’m not perfect, but that’s what makes me amazing. Self acceptance is an important part of enjoying your life, but Self Appreciation is even more valuable. Appreciate the parts of yourself you find immaculate. I, for one, love my eyes because they’re dark blue, light blue, green, and orange. That’s awesome! But, also learn to appreciate your flaws. For example, I have a huge nose bump, but I love it, because it shows that I have Viking blood and that dope AF.

I love you all, my Infernal Brothers and Sisters, and I hope you do, too.

HS!

LH

 

I’d Love to Hear from You

Hey, guys!

Just wanted to say thanks for even clicking on this blog, since I started it with nobody in mind.

If you’d like to ask more questions or just say hey, I’ve set up an email that you can reach me at: imasatanistand@gmail.com

Or, if you’d like, I’ve also set up a Twitter page that you can find here┬áif that’s more your speed.

Hope to hear from you

HS!

LH