I Can Do This All Day

Seriously, getting to do these interviews is such an honor. Not only does it allow me to learn more about Satanism from different perspectives, but I also get to make connections within the Satanic communities.

I also want to get our voices out there. Satanists aren’t a quiet people, but we also don’t bother people unless they asked to be bothered. These interviews allow me to show the universe what is really going on in our heads.

So, without further ado, I present the latest…

Infernal Interview

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Gareth Nelson

Our latest victim is Gareth Nelson. He so kindly sent me the above picture so I wouldn’t have to go searching for it. Gareth is, like me, just a regular member waiting for the Active Member application to come back (Soon…).

1) How did you discover you were a Satanist?
At around 14 I started trolling people in school by pretending to be a “satanist” and saying I worship the devil etc etc, then a friend told me “you know Satanists don’t actually worship the devil, right?” and encouraged me to read the satanic bible, which I did overnight – that night I remember thinking “how on earth did this LaVey guy read my mind?”.
I then started calling myself a Satanist, but accurately.
Then at 17 I applied to join the CoS, I was accepted as a registered member at 18 and I’m now 30.
2) Is there a part of the Satanic Bible in particular that speaks to you?
Book of Satan IV, do I need to give the full quote?
Life is a truly precious thing, the most valuable and precious thing in the entire universe to me is my own life.
3) If you were the opposite sex, how would you style your hair?
Long and dyed pink, because that’s hot. Which reminds me, next time my wife dyes her hair I must encourage her to go pink again.
4) Is there anything about Satanism you’d like Non-Satanists to know?
You’ve had the usual answers from others you’ve interviewed: we’re atheists, we’re not those parasites (you know who I mean).
What I would say is “Satanists don’t have to like each other” – although we do often tend to get along, it’s actually expected even amongst members of the CoS that some Satanists will just not like or downright hate each other.
The other thing I’d like people to know is that we seriously mean it when we say we’re against racism – racism is collectivist, we care about individuals. Most of them are dumbasses, so it’s not about “we’re all the same inside”, it’s more “your ethnic group is irrelevant”.
I’ve noticed a weird tendency recently to make out that the CoS is some sort of neo nazi group, naturally we’re nothing of the sort – but the herd will never truly “get it” anyway. The comments on social media (such as on Twitter) are definitely a strong reminder of how different we are, non-satanists truly do seem to have some kind of reasoning deficit and it’s sometimes a little scary.
5) What is your favourite band?
Can I name two? If I had to name only one, I mainly listen to Nine Inch Nails – I often call Trent Reznor’s music my “coding fuel” – it’s the stuff I blast on headphones while coding stuff people consider impossible.
As a diversion, I happen to consider software to be a form of magic, there’s a reason why complex and clever code is often referred to by coders as “black magic” – I would say that they’re onto something.
If I could name two, I’d also name Jimi Hendrix as well. That’s almost a cliché amongst guitarists (I’m a guitarist myself) to name Hendrix (or Steve Vai), but the man was truly a genius with the things he did, some of which is near impossible to replicate without a lot of practice and hard work.
6) If kittens had stingers, would you still love them?
I’d love them even more, cats are already satanic little fuckers with claws and a full command of lesser magic (“I’m cute and fluffy, obey me and feed me”) – imagine if they backed that up with stingers, they’d form little kitten armies and dominate the world. (The Author like this idea)
7) Do you have a piece of Satanic merch that is your favorite?
I’m not big on “merch” to be honest, my ritual chamber has some basic stuff in it – a Baphomet cloth, black candles and ritual blade etc, if that counts as “merch”.
That said, I am quite fond of the “Proud CoS member” t-shirt from iSatanist, it’s somewhat childish but I love the odd looks I get when wearing it in public – even better when helping my disabled son get around in his wheelchair, it really messes with people’s mental image of what a Satanist is. (Hell yeah)
8) When was the last time you performed a ritual?
I don’t like to discuss rituals in public, at least not in detail, I will say that as time goes on I find myself entering the ritual chamber less often and relying more on lesser magic to get what I want.
I do still sometimes ritualise on top of more mundane manipulation tactics, or where I feel I’ve gone “off-track” in some way.
9) If you could only drink one beverage for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Caffeinated virgin mojito – absolutely love the taste of mojito, but hate alcohol. Best times in my life have been when I’ve had my brain operating at peak capacity and my intellect is very precious to me, so i’ve never enjoyed being drunk.
Caffeine on the other hand, caffeine is awesome – and so is the taste of mint and lime. Especially served icy cold with a nice sirloin steak and soft cheese.
Excuse me while I fantasize about steak….
10) Define Satan.
Satan is me.
Ok, let me elaborate – Satan is a symbol for my potential, that little voice inside pushing me to do better, to be greater than I am. Satan is my inner drive, the black flame – to put it less poetically, Satan is a symbol that I strongly identify with.
In christian mythology Satan is the guy who pointed to Jehovah and said “you are wrong”. That is only one mythology among many, LaVey pointed out many examples of the devil archetype in different cultures. The point is, Satan is a role model, something to aspire to – the outsider.
Satanism is ultimately about a brutal rejection of spiritual delusion and a celebration of reality as it actually is, and Satan is the symbol of those of us who make that rejection.
Ladies and Gents, Boos and Ghouls, I hope you’re still loving these and haven’t yet gotten sick of me… No you can never get sick of me. I really love that people are willing to answer my silly questions with thoughtful answers. We are learning a lot together.
Two more Infernal Interviews are lined up, but I’m sure more are coming after that.
Have a Sinful Sunday, Loves.
HS!
LH

So Can You!

Okay, I straight up stole that title from Stephen Colbert’s I Am America (And So Can You!), which is a really fun book and can be found here. I highly, highly recommend it if you haven’t read it yet.

But that’s not why we are here! Oh, no, I’m here because I feel the need to tell you about how Satanic you are. Don’t worry, I’m not trying to get you to join the Church of Satan or start calling yourself a Satanist because, odds are, you’re not. But damn, people these days are so Satanic that it makes me laugh when they shit on the Church of Satan.

First off, lets me real, you are all selfish. Yeah, it’s true. Don’t worry, I am, too. Obviously I want the best for me because I have to live my life, not you. Thus, if you really don’t matter to me, then I’ll probably help myself before I help you. It’s nothing personal, I just don’t know 99.9% of the people on Earth.

This is not to say I don’t like to be kind, it’s just for a selfish reasons that I help people. For example, If I have enough money during the holidays, I like to get a few chicken meals (including potatoes, bread, a veggie, and a drink) and give them to homeless people I see around town. I can’t do it very often, but I like doing it because it makes me feel good. Yeah, I am owning up to it. I do things people would consider “philanthropic” because I like the feeling of seeing people happy for something I did.

I also don’t NOT care about people on Earth I don’t know, I do, I just need to take care of me and the people around me before I help the rest of the universe. And my selfishness extends to those close to me. I’d be disappointed if a coworker gets a promotion over my Mother or if my Little Sister got her heart-broken. My friends live within my circle of selfishness, as does my partner. Sound familiar?

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From The Church of Satan Free Downloads

Now, I’ll give you a moment to read all the way through the above picture. Okay, now do it again. Most of them seem like pretty common sense and that’s because they have been carefully constructed to mathematically– No I’m shitting with you, they are just basic common sense. So let’s look at these one by one.

1- This one may be the one I wish most Non-Satanists would learn because it really annoys me when people try to fix things for me when all I need for them to do is listen. Does that make sense? If a friend/coworker/family member/ whatever and I are talking and they ask about a problem I may be having. If I decide to confide it them, I don’t need them to fix whatever is happening, but just listen. If I want to know how you’d fix it, I’ll ask.

2- This is just an extension of the first. Don’t just start telling me about your Sister’s affair out of nowhere, Brenda, all you did was hand me a divider at the Fred Meyer checkout line.

3- I love the word “Lair” in this because it sounds so dark, but it really just means somebody’s space. I say SPACE and not HOUSE because I consider several spaces an extension of my lair. These spaces include my office, my classroom, my personal space, and my car. Don’t touch the stereo.

4- I love the wording in this one, too, because it makes it seem as though I’m going to be throwing somebody in my oven for sneezing on my face. No, but if you sneeze on my face a few times I might as you to leave. If you don’t, then you might be thrown into the oven… Kidding. (Or am I?)

5- THIS IS SO IMPORTANT! Nothing sexual unless you’ve been given consent. I like “Mating Signal” because when I am dating somebody, we can pretty much give consent by using body language and I always make sure whomever I am with knows that they can stop or say no anytime they way. Never force things on people.

6- Don’t steal… Just don’t steal…

7- This one may be the only one that Non-Satanists won’t nod their head at. The way I explain this is as follows: We use the placeholder word “Magic” to describe something we don’t yet have a name for in science. That being said, if you perform a ritual and it goes the way you want, tip your hat to the Devil.

I say magic may also be real, but very small, like being able to make the best cup of coffee in the office even though the water comes from the same place and the beans are the same. (If you’re a high-ranking CoS Member and I am WAAAY off, please tell me).

8- Oh I love this one so much. Have an awful friend who is sucking the life out of you but you keep going back for some reason, you don’t get to complain. Get rid of that Psychic Vampire and move on. Didn’t bother to vote? Then shut up. Start doing something about it.

9- Come on…

10- Again, this is easy. Animal is attacking you? Do anything you can to survive. Starving? Kill an animal to survive. Satanism is a life-loving religion. That being said, don’t hurt animals.

11- Like the first Rule of the Earth, this one is really important. Leave people alone in public and if somebody starts bugging you, tell them to stop. If they don’t leave you be when you ask nicely, SET THEM ON FIRE- No, don’t do that. BUT at that point you are allowed to get mean… or meaner. Just make sure you’re within your rights. Don’t break any laws.

SEE! A lot of these things are common sense to good people! Satanists are good people and a lot of good people are very Satanic, though not Satanists. Remember, Satanists are born, not made.

This is why I get pissed when people look at me in horror or stop talking to me when they find out I’m a member of the Church of Satan because they think I’m dancing with the Devil while eating babies and sacrificing cats. Just do some research and you’ll realize that all I am guilty of is being awesome.

Have a wonderful Walpurgisnacht, my Dearest Devils!

HS!

From Hell,

LH