I’ve Noticed Something…

I’ve been using my relaxing time to watch Buzzfeed Unsolved. I want to start off by saying that I really love Shane and Ryan and I really appreciate the hard work they do in order to bring us these wonderful, funny, interesting videos. Some of my favorites include “The Grizzly Murders of Jack The Ripper“, “The Suspicious Assassination of JFK“, and “The Shocking Case of O.J. Simpson“, though all of their videos deserve a watch. Yes, including the ones where Ryan craps his pants in the dark because he thinks there are ghosts and demons. Shane is hilarious.

All that being said, I’ve noticed that they have a bad habit of throwing Satanists under the bus. The first time I noticed this was when I was watching their video “Three Terrifying Cases of Ghosts and Demons” and somewhere around the 37 minute mark, they mention a woman who was thought to be a “Satan Worshiper”. I didn’t think too much about it at first because I am not, in fact, a Satan Worshiper, I am a Lauren Worshiper. Then, around a minute later, they went and threw out the big “S” word. Well, the priest they were speaking to said “Satanic Cult”.

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Above: NOT a Satanic Symbol

Couple things. I would have kept my mouth shut if we had stuck with “Satan Worshiper” or “Devil Worshipers” or “Lunatics”, but we didn’t. They went to “Satanic Cult.” First thing, Satanists don’t do cults and those who are members of the Church of Satan, like myself, aren’t part of a cult. Cults control you, which is the opposite of what Satanism is about.

“But, but, but Lauren! There are RITUALS in Satanism!”
Why yes… yes there are, but they’re total psychodrama meant to make the participants feel as if they’ve done everything they’ve physically can to sway their desired outcome in their favor and now need to shed the weight of worrying so that they can push forward onto other endeavors. That being said, never deny the power of magic. If you perform a ritual and it works, make sure you give credit where credit is due. That being said, I want it to be clear that I, personally, don’t believe in magic as something supernatural, but rather something natural that we don’t yet have a name or explanation for. But, hey, I moved on, because people get things wrong sometimes.

Then, it happened again. I was watching the video “The Disturbing Mystery of the Jamison Family“. At 16:45, the boys mention that the father in the missing family was reading “a Satanic Bible”. Okay, so let us say this is true. Maybe he was reading The Satanic Bible. So what? Anybody who has taken a look into The Satanic Bible written by Anton LaVey (because anything else that claims to be a “Satanic Bible” is BS) will know that there’s nothing evil about it. It makes clear that Satanism is about being an individual and making sure you have a successful life because there is no afterlife; Nobody is controlling your life besides you. But, I kept on watching, because, as I’ve said before, I really like these guys as people and they make me laugh.

But then it happened again! I was watching the video on the freaking Illuminati, which is wrapped in mystery enough itself, when all of a sudden I hear “The third theory is that the New World Order is connected to the Anti-Christ because the Illuminati are Satanists” before going on to quote a book from Pat Robertson saying that Satanists were responsible for “The French Revolution, The Communist Manifesto, and the creation of The Federal Reserve”.

At this point, I had to pause the video because I was laughing so hard. That’s when I looked up and saw this:

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Again, the symbol used above is NOT SATANIC

This was making me laugh so much at this point that my cat came over to check on me. Guys, maybe the people who created these things were Satanists in their heart, but they wouldn’t have even known what to call it or, if they did have Satanism as it is now, I doubt they would have ever admitted to it OR have also been a part of the Illuminati. I mean, sure, I’ll let you think they were the Illuminati, but they weren’t Satanists.

And then… my favorite. “The Demonic Goatman’s Bridge” video! Oh my goodness. So, here’s the basics of the story. Basically, they say that there is a demon that… haunts(?) the bridge because Satanists have been performing rituals on the bridge.

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This is very close to a Satanic symbol

No, guys, just, no. Satanists, real Satanists, don’t believe in Demons. Satan isn’t real, Lucifer isn’t real. None of that. People who worship Lucifer are called Devil Worshippers and are closer to Christians than Satanists. Also, Satanists tend to perform rituals in private, safe areas because they are private events that we don’t want to be interrupted.

They then did a BS ritual with protection circles and other white magic crap. Ryan had stated that there had been evidence of people doing rituals on the bridge and they had the following exchange.

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What the hell

As I’ve stated before, Satanists don’t believe in the same thing Ryan believes. We are very practical people and don’t believe that there are ghosts or demons or Lucifer or gods or any of that crap. You’re on a bridge and you’re freaking yourself out.

Then, later in the same video, they said there were often Satanic Rituals carried out in the woods and that animal bones were often found there. They said that the town went so far as to stop selling cats because so many were turning up dead in the aforementioned forest.

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Another not Satanic symbol

First of all, fuck you. I’m sorry, but this actually hurt my feelings. I love cats. You know, I love all animals, but cats especially. I have two, in fact, named Edwin and Albert, who I spoil rotten. I also used to foster sick and young kittens before they were put up for adoption at a local animal shelter.

Second of all, if you had done your research, you would have seen the Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth, as seen blow:

Available for Download at The Church of Satan Website

I’ll bring your attention to Number 10: “Do not kill non-human animals unless you are attacked or for your food”. This literally means that humans are animals, too, and we shouldn’t hurt non-human animals unless we need to stay alive because we are starving or being attacked.

This whole video was a mess, but I still love the boys. I just want them to do their research. And they are, by no means, the only ones. I also noticed two videos, called “5 Nightmarish Facts about the Mysterious and Legendary Chupacabra” and “5 Most Mysterious & Secret Societies on the Planet“, both of which are videos from the channel Top 5s. Again, I greatly enjoy the videos this channel creates and have watched a lot of them, I’m just pointing these out because they have inaccuracies.

All in all, I just want to not be labeled as an evil person who kills cats and summons demons, because I’m not. If you are somebody who is trying to do good, in-depth journalism, you can contact the Church of Satan directly here. I am NOT a spokesperson, I’m just a Member of the Church of Satan who wants to be a little bit more understood.

Have a good rest of your day, my loves.



I just watched a BuzzFeed Video.

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The video is called “We Practiced Magic With A Real Witch“.

To be frank, I was not impressed. The first thing I noticed that caused my nose to twitch was the title of the video itself. “A real Witch”… Hmm. “Real”? Later in the video they say that it is a misconception to link Witches to the Satanic, but that’s not quite right. One of the women they feature in the video as one of their “Real” witches is named Laurie Lovekraft. I assume that this is a pseudonym created for her equal love of Lovecraft and Kraft Mac-n-Cheese. This is where I noticed the next thing that bugged me. Under her name, the description banner read “Priestess and Magick Practitioner for 30 years”. Three words into that sentence and those familiar with Satanism, especially regarding Anton LaVey, would be chuckling. If they’re on my wavelength, they’ll be thinking of a very memorable quote from our founder.

“Those who spell Magic with a ‘K’ aren’t” – Anton LaVey.

When I try to think of the best way to describe the difference between the Satanic definition of Magic and “Magick” (Or even alternate definitions of magic) is this: To me, we are causing the magic. Either in our Lesser Magic abilities on a daily basis, or taking all the steps we possibly can in order to achieve out goal that the only possible next step is to perform a ritual and rid ourselves of anxiety in order to focus our energy on more productive activities. In saying this, I also will say that magic has historically been used in place of the name of future scientific discoveries. Gravity was magic. Fire was magic. Childbirth was magic. I mean, it still is, but in a different way. I digress…

My next head tilt came during the section called “Basic Ideology” in which it stated that “Many have an Ethical Code”. MANY?!?!

Covens. Sounds like a bored (and boring) house wives. My coven consists of my cats and my boyfriend. We had a fish but he died recently. (RIP Drogon).

Then they had all these candles and herbs and crystals and oils and food and UGH I’ve been to Catholic Mass and they had less fucking props. I must say that I do see the similarities in the rituals, which is not something that surprised me. If you’re interested in what a Satanic Ritual looks like, I suggest this video. I’ve watched it a few times now and find something new in it each viewing.

The CONE OF POWER made me literally laugh out loud because it seems like something an anime character would shout while striking a suggestive pose. I’m not sure what the CONE OF POWER is for, really, other than powering up your magic in the cone shape (best for magick???). I really don’t get it.

They say the believe in “The Lord and The Lady” and that the Christian version of God isn’t even believed in. As I watched it, I wondered why they would bother to protect themselves from His demons then?

Gotta say, loved the ale and eating portion. I would attend one of these things just for the food and drink. Just as I did with other faiths over the years. I love food.

The end note of HUZZAH made me think of high school biology. (Go Lakewood!!!) This is not a good thing for a ritual.

All in all, everything about this was hilarious. I’ve done rituals a few times now and Satanic Rituals are way more honest and WAY COOLER!

Watch the video and tell me what you think, Hell Raisers.

Hail Satan and Much love