I Read a Book (Part 1/2)

So, I was sent two books and I was going to cover both in one post, but I just finished the first and I HAVE to talk about it RIGHT NOW.

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Read it. Now.

I loved this book for so, so many reasons and I tried to keep track of it all as I was reading in my little bits of spare time. Unholy crap it is wonderful.

Just a little background: This was sent to me by Logospilgrim, a writer with a degree in Religious Studies, which sounds like a really interesting field. If you want to pick up this book and others, check out her website Logospilgrim.com.

So, to be honest, I went into this blind and couldn’t tell right away if this was fiction or nonfiction. The reason why I thought it might be fiction was because it almost read as if it were an account of an angel of God who had escaped and turned towards Satan. Seriously, it’s really good.

It became clear to me quickly that this was not a work of fiction and then I fell in love with the text in a whole new way. First off, it reads more as Prose Poetry than anything else, which I love because it allows the words to take on new power. In the areas of self-acceptance, the words are pleasing in mouth feel and are sonically kind.  They tend to lean towards the multi-sylballic romantic. When talking about religions and abuse, the words become sharp and hard, living in the short, Anglo-Saxon area of the vocabulary.

The book speaks on behalf in the necessity of the Seven Deadly Sins in life and how allowing yourself to indulge in each is the key to feeling free to be yourself. It blurs the lines between abuse and religions, drawing comparisons between God and a person who is mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive. Also a perfect Alien reference thrown in there, which is great.

The influence of Anton LaVey can’t be denied as one reads through a beautiful account of learning to re-accept and love yourself. If you’re playing with the idea of Satanism or are a Satanist and you’re also dealing with abuse or learning to heal now that you’re free, I recommend this book with all my heart. As I have said in previous posts, I was abused, and I see my story, like I know so many others will, as I read this books. I also see my healing and my path to becoming even more whole.

So, thank you, Logos, for sharing this story with me. I can’t wait to get to the next one. Her Infernal Interview will accompany the next review.

To Vital Existence.

HS!

LH

 

IMPORTANT EDIT: If you are in an abusive relationship or need help of ANY KIND, you can probably find a service on this List of Hotlines. It may be scary or hard, but the first step in these situations are always hard, but the first step needs to happen.

God Failed Me.

I know God isn’t real so the title of this blog might seem a little strange but it is going to make sense in the end. If you watched my recent video with Reverend Campbell you might remember me saying that I had only been a Satanist for about a year and a half now and a Citizen of the Infernal Empire since February 2018.

I’ve been thinking about these answers and figures and I realize that I need to elaborate a little bit. So, I think it’s time to tell you guys a story. It’s a sad story, but it has a happy ending. It’s going to cover a lot of ground, but I promise it won’t be too long.

My parents met in late in 1992 when my Mom was on her way to Dairy Queen and Dad was out driving with his friend. He was in Washington State for the Navy and was out looking for a party when he was blonde hair in a car and thought she might be going to one. Well, when they got to DQ, they met, and it must have been love at first sight because I was born during April 1994. My parents got married not long after finding out Mom was pregnant and not long after I was born my parents moved back to Pennsylvania where my Dad is from.

A year after that, my parents got a divorce. To be totally honest, I don’t know exactly why. Mom has said things like they were too young and were in different places in life and crap like that, but I know better. My Dad was too young to be a Dad and Mom had to step up and do it all. She did just that. My Mom is a bad ass woman and it might be easy to blame the rest of this story on her, but I don’t and if you say something bad about my Mom I will freak out. She’s an amazing woman and everything I hope to be one day.

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Christmas a few years ago

So, Mom and I went back to Washington to be with her side of the family. She worked a lot and my grandma would take care of me or my aunt or family friends. Mom had a few short-term boyfriends who I don’t remember after my Dad, but they never worked out. Then she met a person who we will call Sam.

Mom was with Sam for 17 of my 19 years and Sam is the father of my Half-Sister and Half-Brother. I love those kids so much and am thankful they are here; Don’t forget that during the rest of this story.

Sam abused my Mom and I. After my Sister was born, everything changed with him. He started drinking all night, every night. He drove us to Christmas dinner after drinking a fifth of vodka. He gambled away our money until we got evicted from house after house after house. Mom used to have to take us an hour away to find him because he was too drunk and out of money. One time, when my Dad called, Sam picked up and told him his daughter had two black eyes.

Sam once forced me to pee my pants. He refused to let me use a toilet and then laughed at me and made me clean it up and then worse. Then my sweet little brother was born. Nothing changed. I have internal and external scars from Sam that I will always carry. There were many times when I thought I was going to die and sometimes that was okay.

I have a semi-religious family. They took me to church sometimes, mostly when I was back east, and while I was never a Christian, I did try to reach God. When I was locked in a closet all day, I prayed all day. After a knife cut a deep, red line across my skin, I prayed until the bleeding stopped. I was desperate and alone and I was willing to try anything, so I prayed.

Nothing happened. Nothing changed. My Mom was the one who saved me in the end because she had taken enough. She had been trying to do her best for my little Brother and Sister, but she knew nothing would be good for them if she were dead. I had also finally told her the extend of the abuse I had faced at Sam’s hand. She had no idea.

In the middle of the night one night, we grabbed everything and we left. We took the animals and enough clothing to get us through a week. I went to school though nobody else went to their normal activities because school was a haven for me, even though I had to worked through abuse from me peers there. I worked my ass of and ended up going to college during school because I knew I needed to succeed. That would mean I had won.

Not long after all this, my Mom married my Dad again and they are still married to this day. It was a hard transition for my Sister and Brother, as well as myself, because we were all on edge. I’m still hand-shy. Sam tried his best to break us, though. He got us evicted and lied so my Dad would lose his job. I was, for some reason, followed by the police because of him.

But we are here now and we have all won. I am a teacher and a professional Lighting Designer. My Mom works in the same school district as I do and Dad is a tower crane operator. My sister is going to WSU and my Brother is my student so I can check his grades and he is currently getting all A’s.

Sam works at a casino, which is fine, but also has 3 DUIs and is massively in debt. Well, I think he should have 3 but only has 1 because he wiggled his way out of them.

We won.

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Dad, Me, and Mom on my birthday a year ago

What I am trying to get at here is that I’ve always been a Satanist, even when I was praying in a closet for hours. It madam realize that the only person who can save you is yourself. You can get help from friends and family like I did, but you have to ask and you have to make it known you need help. I kept myself alive and anybody who tries to tell me God helped can kiss my clitoris because it was me; Me and My Mom and my family.

I’m not looking for sympathy or tears here because I’ve had a wonderful life thus far. I’ve traveled the country in 18-wheeler trucks and learned to bowl in Wyoming. The guy who taught me had 3 fingers and that’s all he could do anymore. I’ve seen more stars in the sky than I could even imagine because I was so far out in the middle of nowhere. I taught myself a piece of My Heart Will Go On while in Florida on the edge of a hurricane. I’ve seen Hamilton! I get to be a teacher and be in love with my Best Friend. I get to have a wonderful family who will always love me. I get to live in the most beautiful state in the USA. I’ve traveled in tug boat and have flown in so many airplanes that I can feel us starting our decent before the pilot even announces it.

Yeah, I’ve had a wonderful life. I’ve done a lot already and I’m only 24! I can’t wait to see where I take myself next in life.

Hae a great rest of your Sunday, my Sweet Satanists!

HS!

LH

I’m Depressed

Don’t worry, it’s okay, I’m not here for sympathy. I want to, instead, just talk about it and maybe make depression seem a little less scary.

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Me looking dope as shit paying RockBand

There are many reasons I could point to as to why I’m depressed, but the biggest one is biology and chemistry. My Dad suffers from depression and so does my grandma on my mom’s side. Actually, a lot of people on my mom’s side have a lot of issues. Basically, this was the way I was made and I have to live with it, which is exactly what I do. I live. I don’t mean this in the basic sense of the word such as simply breathing and eating, but I do what I enjoy and try to see life as positive– something I’m really bad at when I’m not medicated.

Oh yeah, I totally need medication. This is also, by the way, okay, because it means that you are taking the steps needed in order to focus your energy on more productive projects such as making art, furthering your career, spending more time with your family, or whatever it is you enjoy doing. If I don’t have it, I think about awful things like crashing my car into a tree on the freeway. I don’t really want to, but I think about it.

I also have anxiety. This manifests itself in the super fun way of making me sick. I finally figured out a morning/night regiment off medication that allows me to avoid getting sick usually, but it does still happen if I’m really stressed out. Basically, I wake up and just vomit for about ten minutes. It got to be so normal that I scheduled it into my routine.

Another way the anxiety and depression affects my life is through insomnia. I sometimes only get three to five hours of sleep each night, feeling exhausted all through the day, before finally waking up at night and not being able to fall asleep until three in the morning. In order to help myself fall asleep, I eat a bowl of oatmeal, have a small drink, and watch some Bob Ross. It may sound hokey, but it works for me.

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Crazy Hair Day in… 5th grade?

If I do end up being able to fall asleep, I may end up waking up in the middle of the night due to night terrors from PTSD. Here’s the basic rundown of that: My mom and dad met and got pregnant with me so they got married, had me, and divorced. Dad had many girlfriends but never remarried. Mom didn’t either but she only had one really longterm partner. Let’s call him Greg. Greg is the father of my little brother and little sister, both half siblings, and I love them so much it hurts. Well, he mentally, physically, and emotionally abused me for 17 years. After my Dad moved back to Washington from Wyoming, Mom left Greg (not because of this, just a happy accident). My Mom and Dad, after a long few years of drama with Greg, including Greg causing my Dad to get fired, my parents got remarried. It sounds great, but it’s been strange and we are all still learning.

All in all, my life hasn’t been easy, but damn it could make a movie. I’m not sad about anything that happened in my life, nor would I change anything, and I think that may be one of the reasons I’m a Satanist. I use my hardships to create strength and knowledge. I want to change the world because of what I went through. Mental Health is really important to me because I’ve been unable to access it before and life was really hard to get through. But I did it.

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My first MySpace profile picture vs Now

But look at me now! I’m a teacher and a professional lighting designer who just turned 24 years old. I am living with the love of my life and have two cats who are as dear to me as children. I have crazy hair! I have a loving family and a bed to sleep in and food to eat, should I ever get off the couch today.

I wouldn’t change a thing about my past, or anything about me, because I like who I am now, and that’s all that matters.

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Always remember…

HS!

LH

PS. I’m always here when you need me.