Hey there, friends, I’m dropping in to say hello! I survived my crazy week and am now operating at my acceptable level of stress. It was a great time, but I didn’t get to talk about my ritual two weekends ago!
A few days ago, somebody asked me to address ritual magic and how I interpret it. I will give my opinion, but I’d like to take the time to mind everybody that, while I am an Active Member of the Church of Satan, I do not speak for the Church of Satan or any of its other members.
So, my friend Colby and I set up everything at his house, but we had to make a few changes to the ritual due to the fact that fire is a danger we were unwilling to risk. Instead, we used water. The necessary candles were used, we just didn’t feel comfortable burning anything in his basement.
I recited the proper words and we went through compassion, destruction, and lust, as we had discussed before going into the chamber. I don’t know why he needed to ritualize, nor did he know my intentions, but I knew enough to formulate a ritual around our needs.
I don’t want to go very far into what the ritual actually looked like, as it is depicted on the Church of Satan’s Youtube, as well in The Satanic Bible. There were candles, robes, music by my boy Hexenkraft, bells, and everything else that goes along with entering the ritual chamber. I will, though, talk about how it made me feel and how I use Ritual Magic.
When I perform a ritual, it’s because I have done everything in the physical world I could possible do to influence my desired outcome. If I, let’s say, had my eye on a guy who I wanted to go out with, I would have used every trick in The Satanic Witch, bringing out the big Lesser Magic “guns” each time I have the opportunity, in order to draw him to me. If I have done all that I, myself, can do, I might decide to perform a ritual. This is a way to take all my strong, emotional, powerful feelings and throw them from my body, towards the object of the ritual, and use that power to also help in reaching my desires.
It also clears my mind, taking a weight off my shoulders, because I feel as though I really have done EVERYTHING. I have covered all of my bases and there would be no reason to stress anymore, meaning that I can move on and put my energy into other creative or professional endeavors. My energy is wasted on worrying about that which I can’t control, and my energy is my power. I don’t want to waste it.
So, after my ritual, I felt lighter than air. I felt dark and powerful and that I could have moved a mountain with just a glance. It was a wonderful, electric feeling that I took with me the rest of the night out with my friends, and man did I have a good time!
That is what ritual means to me, so it might be different for other Satanists. Just like people, no two rituals are the same and asking Reverend Campbell would probably have a different answer than me, so I recommend asking others and, even better, doing your own! There’s no better way to experience a ritual than just doing on yourself.
I hope you liked this little entry and if you have any questions or comments you can email me or comment below and I’ll check them out. Be sure to check out my Youtube videos where I sometimes post instead of on here and follow me on Twitter if you want to really know what’s going on in my brain.
No, not the kind of Witch with warts and a long nose who throws newt’s eyes into bubbling cauldrons to make potions that make me immortal. Nor do I lure little children away into the night to suck away their life force to make myself beautiful. No, I am something much more powerful. I am a Satanic Witch.
I would like to make it clear that I am not (yet) a Second Degree Active Member of the Church of Satan, which means a person has moved up from Member to Active Member to Witch/Warlock. There are other levels to the Hierarchy that you can find on the Church of Satan’s website, but I’m not going to touch on those during this post.
For this post is all about Satanic Witches and what I feel it means to be a Satanic Witch. I highly recommend reading The Satanic Witch if you haven’t already because it is a really great guide to figuring out if you even are a Satanic Witch, what kind of Satanic Witch you are, and what the hell that means.
I find myself falling into two different types of Satanic Witches. I am both pretty and an old grandma. I know it seems a little oxymoronic, but that’s who I am. Let me explain a little further.
I like to bake. I really love making sweet baked goods for people, as well as big meals if I have the space to host. I love to feed people and send them home with enough leftovers to fill their bellies for days to come. I am only 24 years old, but my friends will sometimes call me Grandma Lauren because I like to watch Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy, hang out with my cats, cook, bake, and (if my insomnia allows) get to bed before 10.
I am also a beautiful. I am! It’s taken me a long time to realize this and call myself beautiful, but it’s part of what makes me a Satanic Witch. I am able to use these eyes and hips to draw people in and help get what I want. This is not to say that I am luring men into the shadows to kill them by flashing them a glimpse of my ankle. Not at all. But, if my pretty smile helps me get a job over a different candidate, you damn well know I’m going to be flashing them these pearly whites throughout the entire interview! Know what you’ve got and make it work for you. With that in mind, let us begin talking about…
Lesser Magic: What I find the most interesting about Lesser Magic is the fact that it is called “Lesser”. I understand that it means the difference between ritual-induced universal influence VS flirting… Lesser magic is literally how you sell yourself. I’m a pretty baker so when I need something I can flutter my lashes and offer a cookie to get what I need. (They’re homemade and I only use Amish butter so there’s a lot of flavor from that fat…. yum!) I digress.
I honestly think that Lesser Magic is the most powerful magic available to the Satanic Witch because we have the ability to use it on the daily. This can also happen over messages, too, if you are, like me, better with the written word than with spoken word. To be fair, I am good at poetry, but you know what I mean. Lesser Magic is known as manipulative or Non-ritual magic. Then, there is something we use that is called…
Greater Magic: Greater Magic is ritual magic. This is the kind of magic that will cause people to point and scream “BLACK MAGIC” or “DEVIL WORSHIP” and crap like that. That’s bullshit. First off, there’s no such thing as black magic or white magic, there are only delusional people who trick themselves into thinking that they aren’t performing a ritual for selfish reasons. BREAKING NEWS: Everything you do is selfish so just learn to deal with it.
Greater Magic must take place during a ritual. If you haven’t done a ritual yet, I highly recommend it because it made me feel so calm afterwards. Basically, a ritual is done if a Satanist has done everything possible to influence the world physically. Let me give an example. Last year I was interviewed for a job and I went in and did really well and filled out what they wanted me to fill out and graduated college so I could start working right away and then… I waited. I waited and waited and waited and the weight of the waiting was so heavy that I found that all I could do was sit there and wonder if they were going to call me. That’s no way to live! I was wasting my time!
So, I performed a compassion ritual with two of my Satanist friends so that I might sway the mind’s of those thinking of hiring me. I left the ritual finally feeling like I had done everything possible! The choice was far out of my hands and all I could do was hope that my curse would work.
It did! Two days later I got a call and had been hired as a Drama Teacher! 23 years old and straight out of college! Now, I’m not saying that magic is real like in Harry Potter. As cool as that would be, I just don’t buy it. BUT I do believe that Magic is real.
Magic, to me, is very small. Unless we go into the ritual chamber, magic comes to us in the form of being able to make the best box cake anybody has ever tasted. Maybe its finding a full bottle of alcohol on the side of the road one day. Maybe it’s something scientific we just don’t have a name for yet. Hell, we barely understand Gravity.
During a recent interview with a Witch of the Church of Satan, I asked her a quick follow-up question and I basically got the answer I expected.
How do you think being a Satanic Witch differs from being a Satanic Warlock?
“My first impulse is to say that Witches have Vaginas and Warlocks have penises, but even that rule has exceptions. There’s certainly no different standard for one over the other. When I try to imagine what I would be like as a warlock, the only difference of any significance is that I would have different secondary sexual characteristics. But they would be really significant! I mean, my cock, it would be monstrously huge!” -Heidee Nytes
(If you’d like to read more of that interview, click here).
Damn, I love Satanists.
If you would like to know more about what it means to be a Satanist or a Satanic Witch, I would take a look at a podcast that I listen to. She hasn’t posted since March, but I promise that Confessions of a Wicked Witch with Magistra Ygraine because she is so brilliant. Her voice is very soothing to me so I like to just listen to calm down every now and then. Another fun part of the podcast is the Wicked Witch of the Year Award. This is pretty straight forward, but if you would like to know more, please go listen to the podcast. It’s so good, as are all of the hosts and shows on Radio Free Satan.
Well, I hope you have a Devilish Day my Dark Darlings!
There are a lot of Christian holidays, such as Christmas, Easter, and Good Friday, as well as holidays that seem to be smeared with God’s presence even if it shouldn’t be such as Thanksgiving and the Fourth of July. Now, I still enjoy most of these holidays. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not praising the lord and begging forgiveness, but I will go to evening service at a Christian church on Christmas Eve. Why? I like it when they sing Silent Night with only candles to light the church. It’s really pretty, sue me.
But, there are Satanic Holidays. As I stated in a previous post, one’s own birthday is the highest of the Unholy Holidays because Satanism is a Life-Celebrating religion. Basically, Death is the Great Abstinence so we must make the most out of life, which makes the day in which you entered life YOUR most important day. This is just a really long way of saying ‘The Party Don’t Start ‘Til I Walk In”.
Another Unholy Holiday that seems pretty obvious is Halloween! Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course Satanists are going to love Halloween because it’s so deliciously dark! This is also a date in which, according to The Satanic Bible, all manner of spirits, devils, witches and spirits are on the loose! Well, at least to the older folks in Scotland during the time of the Druids. Those crazy kids, on the other hand, used the night to perform fertility rituals and others that might help sway a certain partner to them, sexually speaking.
The changing of the seasons, marked by the solstices and equinoxes, are also important to Satanism as they represent change and self-recreation.
BUT! The Satanic Holiday in which I am celebrating today is Walpurgisnacht! Yes, it is almost Walpurgisnacht, which means we are half-way to Halloween! Yay! (I think I’m going as the Satanic Priestess version of Mother Theresa).
Walpurgisnacht takes place each year, starting on the evening of April 30th and ending in the evening of May 1st. It is celebrated in the name of Saint Walpurgis, or Walpurga, and is basically a second Halloween. This celebration marked the change from Winter to Summer and was seen as a day in which the veil between the living and the dead was again thin, as it is on Halloween.
Sadly, I have to work on Walpurgisnacht. Technically I could take the day off, as well as Halloween and my Birthday, but I’m not going to. I need the money and I would rather cash my sick days in for a boost to my paycheck or, just maybe, use them if I got sick. Besides, I like my job.
So, instead, I’m celebrating today! Now, this doesn’t mean to you what it means to me. For one person, this may mean inviting a bunch of people over and sharing the day together playing games and eating good food. Hey, sometimes I’m down for that, too. But, for my, celebrating this Satanic Holiday (at least this year) means not leaving the house, hanging with my cats, and staying in my PJs all day. That’s just how I roll.
So, that being said, I hope you all have a wonderful Unholy Holiday and Celebrate in your own way, my Demonic Darlings.
Meet my sweet kittens! They are my little fur babies and I spoil them to a disgusting degree. They have dry food at all times and get wet food twice per day; They get treats and various toys, though they prefer used ear swabs and tampon wrappers. I got them a year and a half apart and both off of Craigslist.
(I promise this isn’t just a post about my cats. There’s some substance at the bottom)
My boyfriend and I let these cats walk all over us. Literally, it doesn’t matter what we are doing, as long as we are sitting down, one of the cats is laying on one of use, or trying to lay on one of us. Edwin, the elder, is quiet but pushy, which is really cute. He comes up silently beside you and will attempt to walk into whatever part of your lap, stomach, or chest he can squeeze onto. If you allow him access, he will start laying down. This process can take up to three minutes as he tries to find the best place to lay. if you DENY him access, he will push and then back off and try another angle and push from there. Sometimes, he pretends to leave so that he can get your guard down and then jumps up out of nowhere and you’ve lost. I literally went through this at the beginning of this paragraph.
Albert, my sweet kitten, is so loud. He, too will approach calmly, as Edwin does, seeking to lay down peacefully. If you allow him access, he will lay down quickly and purr his heart out. He also will move constantly because he gets excited about getting love. if you don’t just let him on, he will yell at you and ram his head into you until you submit. And you will. He is still small enough to work around so you end up getting more done with him on you than you would getting yelled at the whole time.
Our boys are big talkers normally and like to just randomly yell at things like posters, the toilet, us or each other. They’re really sweet and will sometimes sleep together, but prefer to sleep with us during the night and play during the day, with some naps sprinkled in. When we are gone, they can get a little naughty. Well, a lot naughty.
Just yesterday, we were around for one of their crazy times and Edwin fell over the open gate of their sun room and Albert flew off the counter, apparently aiming for the fridge, and ended up smacking flat onto the door. It was great. Also, their little sun room is a dog crate that I put them in to take them outside. As I’ve said, they’re very spoiled. They also get cat grass sometimes, but not all of the time because they like to just rip it out of the dirt.
My boyfriend and I are never alone in the house. Either one or both of them will fallow us from room to room, even going so far as to wait by the door when we leave.
Our bathroom door is broken and in order to keep the cats from coming in, we open one of the drawers. This means that the door is still about an inch open and, despite having failed many times, the boys will try to squeeze their little faces through to be with who ever is in there. It’s really funny and really sweet.
All in all, this post could have just been “I love my cats” end of story, but I wanted to introduce them to the world because they’re so unique. My cats are the best cats. But I also wanted to talk about the fact that people think Satanists sacrifice animals in rituals. No. We don’t and I don’t appreciate being tagged as an animal murderer by people. Well, unless you’re vegan because that doesn’t count. But, seriously, animals are far better than people in every way and I go to great lengths to avoid hurting all animals. Once, I changed lanes to avoid hitting a toad. The only thing I can think that humans have over animals is tacos. Besides, all the animal abusers and killers I’ve ever known were of faith.
FUN FACT: When I was dating a Hardcore Chrtistian, he told me how he wants his wedding to be. No guests, just one witness, a preacher, and the two to be wed. (Now, I don’t remember all of the animals involed, but i’ll do my best). He said it must be in a field in a valley. There, the groom with cut the enimals in half and drags a half to each side of the valley so that the blood runs down into the middle. Some of the animals I remember are an ox, a lamb, a pigeon, and a dove. I know there were more, but I can’t remember them. Then the couple will stand on one side of the river of blood and the holy man will be on the other. The couple would then say some words, which I don’t remember because fuck that, the pastor tells them to say, walking through the blood as they do. When the are done, they will be married to each other and to God. Then the animals will be cooked and eaten at a party with friends and family.
I promise you this is true. Hand on my Science textbook and takeout menu. If somebody reads this and gets all up in arms over it, then I don’t know what to tell you, because he was a hardcore CRC member and apparently insane. Satanist, as I’ve said before, don’t animals unless in danger or for food. Satanists don’t need to stoop to such pathetic levels in order to perform successful rituals.
So, people might want to update their beliefs on where evil really lives in the world.
Enjoy your Sunday. I’m going to get some tacos and I’ll be back tomorrow for my birthday!
All that being said, I’ve noticed that they have a bad habit of throwing Satanists under the bus. The first time I noticed this was when I was watching their video “Three Terrifying Cases of Ghosts and Demons” and somewhere around the 37 minute mark, they mention a woman who was thought to be a “Satan Worshiper”. I didn’t think too much about it at first because I am not, in fact, a Satan Worshiper, I am a Lauren Worshiper. Then, around a minute later, they went and threw out the big “S” word. Well, the priest they were speaking to said “Satanic Cult”.
Couple things. I would have kept my mouth shut if we had stuck with “Satan Worshiper” or “Devil Worshipers” or “Lunatics”, but we didn’t. They went to “Satanic Cult.” First thing, Satanists don’t do cults and those who are members of the Church of Satan, like myself, aren’t part of a cult. Cults control you, which is the opposite of what Satanism is about.
“But, but, but Lauren! There are RITUALS in Satanism!”
Why yes… yes there are, but they’re total psychodrama meant to make the participants feel as if they’ve done everything they’ve physically can to sway their desired outcome in their favor and now need to shed the weight of worrying so that they can push forward onto other endeavors. That being said, never deny the power of magic. If you perform a ritual and it works, make sure you give credit where credit is due. That being said, I want it to be clear that I, personally, don’t believe in magic as something supernatural, but rather something natural that we don’t yet have a name or explanation for. But, hey, I moved on, because people get things wrong sometimes.
Then, it happened again. I was watching the video “The Disturbing Mystery of the Jamison Family“. At 16:45, the boys mention that the father in the missing family was reading “a Satanic Bible”. Okay, so let us say this is true. Maybe he was reading The Satanic Bible. So what? Anybody who has taken a look into The Satanic Bible written by Anton LaVey (because anything else that claims to be a “Satanic Bible” is BS) will know that there’s nothing evil about it. It makes clear that Satanism is about being an individual and making sure you have a successful life because there is no afterlife; Nobody is controlling your life besides you. But, I kept on watching, because, as I’ve said before, I really like these guys as people and they make me laugh.
But then it happened again! I was watching the video on the freaking Illuminati, which is wrapped in mystery enough itself, when all of a sudden I hear “The third theory is that the New World Order is connected to the Anti-Christ because the Illuminati are Satanists” before going on to quote a book from Pat Robertson saying that Satanists were responsible for “The French Revolution, The Communist Manifesto, and the creation of The Federal Reserve”.
At this point, I had to pause the video because I was laughing so hard. That’s when I looked up and saw this:
This was making me laugh so much at this point that my cat came over to check on me. Guys, maybe the people who created these things were Satanists in their heart, but they wouldn’t have even known what to call it or, if they did have Satanism as it is now, I doubt they would have ever admitted to it OR have also been a part of the Illuminati. I mean, sure, I’ll let you think they were the Illuminati, but they weren’t Satanists.
And then… my favorite. “The Demonic Goatman’s Bridge” video! Oh my goodness. So, here’s the basics of the story. Basically, they say that there is a demon that… haunts(?) the bridge because Satanists have been performing rituals on the bridge.
No, guys, just, no. Satanists, real Satanists, don’t believe in Demons. Satan isn’t real, Lucifer isn’t real. None of that. People who worship Lucifer are called Devil Worshippers and are closer to Christians than Satanists. Also, Satanists tend to perform rituals in private, safe areas because they are private events that we don’t want to be interrupted.
They then did a BS ritual with protection circles and other white magic crap. Ryan had stated that there had been evidence of people doing rituals on the bridge and they had the following exchange.
As I’ve stated before, Satanists don’t believe in the same thing Ryan believes. We are very practical people and don’t believe that there are ghosts or demons or Lucifer or gods or any of that crap. You’re on a bridge and you’re freaking yourself out.
Then, later in the same video, they said there were often Satanic Rituals carried out in the woods and that animal bones were often found there. They said that the town went so far as to stop selling cats because so many were turning up dead in the aforementioned forest.
First of all, fuck you. I’m sorry, but this actually hurt my feelings. I love cats. You know, I love all animals, but cats especially. I have two, in fact, named Edwin and Albert, who I spoil rotten. I also used to foster sick and young kittens before they were put up for adoption at a local animal shelter.
Second of all, if you had done your research, you would have seen the Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth, as seen blow:
I’ll bring your attention to Number 10: “Do not kill non-human animals unless you are attacked or for your food”. This literally means that humans are animals, too, and we shouldn’t hurt non-human animals unless we need to stay alive because we are starving or being attacked.
All in all, I just want to not be labeled as an evil person who kills cats and summons demons, because I’m not. If you are somebody who is trying to do good, in-depth journalism, you can contact the Church of Satan directly here. I am NOT a spokesperson, I’m just a Member of the Church of Satan who wants to be a little bit more understood.