I Dated A Christian For Two Years

Seriously. This was before I knew that the Church of Satan was a thing, though, even if I was already a Satanist. This is because Satanists are born and not made, which means that if I’m a Satanist NOW, I was a Satanist THEN because I have always lived my life Satanically. It’s a part of me, much like the color of my eyes.

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Yup, there’s photographic proof

So with that in mind, let me tell you about the time I dated a Hard Core Christian for two years. Let’s call him Tim because that’s his name. Tim belonged to a denomination of faith called The Christian Reformed Church. What is that? Here’s a quote that sorta explains it:

Reformed Christians are a small part of a much larger body of believers who love and serve Jesus Christ. We’re part of a family that includes Orthodox, Roman Catholic, Anglican, Evangelical, and a host of other churches that confess and practice the Christian faith.

Reformed teachings are shared by denominations other than the Christian Reformed Church. What’s different is the emphasis that we might place on them. Cornelius Plantinga writes:

Our accents lie more on the sovereignty of God, on the authority of Scripture, on
the need for disciplined holiness in personal Christian life, and finally, on
Christianity as a religion of the Kingdom.
A Sure Thing: What We Believe and Why
(Grand Rapids: CRC Publications, 2001), p. 281

For example, the Reformed faith teaches the Lordship of Jesus Christ over all creation. We can’t imagine a Christian church that doesn’t hold to that teaching. But Reformed believers place a lot more emphasis on this teaching than many other Christians do. As a result, Reformed believers have invested a lot of their energy and resources in Christian education (Christian day schools, colleges, and seminaries), Christ-centered political/social action, and parachurch ministries to those in need.” (Taken from CRCNA.org)

There were more than a few reasons why this was never going to work out, but we’re focusing on the religious reasons today. First off, though he didn’t say it, I was expected to serve him. That was never going to happen. Once, we went to a service (Yes, I went, too) where he told me not to stand until he stood; not to sit until he sat; not to speak until he spoke; and so on. I broke all of those rules.

I refuse to be bossed around. I am in charge of myself and nobody else is. This is why I dye my hair fun colors and wear clothes that make it hard for people to fit me into a category. Depending on the day I am either a punk, a goth, a prep, grungy, lazy, or whatever strikes my fancy at the time I’m picking out my clothes. This makes it hard for me to be in a relationship with somebody who wants me to fit a mold.

So, I mentioned earlier that I went to church with him and I did this because I wanted to support him. I hated it, but I was trying to show that his interests were important to me. That stopped pretty quick, which made him nervous because he wanted to get married and have kids who went to church and all that jazz.

OH HELL NO! First of all, I was 19-21 when we were dating so I was not about to have kids. I was busy going to college and getting on with my life. Second, I am totally uncomfortable with telling kids what to think. When my mom was raising me, I was lucky because she would let me explore religion on my own and never pointed me in one direction or another. This is because my Mom is agnostic and wanted me to discover the world myself.

In the end, I think we could both feel that it was coming. I was his first girlfriend, even though he was 24 when we started dating, and I was the one to take his virginity. Because of these things, he thought I had sent him to hell. His solution? He spoke with the elders at his church and they told him to leave me.

So, that’s what he did. He took me a mile away from my car, out in the middle of nowhere, and left me. I cried, yes, but it didn’t take me long to get over it. I got pissed and walked the mile back to my car with him driving a few feet behind me because I refused to get into his truck.

I get home and go to tell my mom what had happened, but she already knew. Apparently, he decided to take an hour to break up with my parents before breaking up with me. It was strange.

All in all, I’m glad we dated. Seriously, I am, because I know all the arguments Christian’s have! I know the arguments and I know their lies. I’ve been on the other side of the lines and I took notes. Also he introduced me to my DnD friends and I love them so much.

So, in the end, Thanks, Tim, for teaching me all about what I never want to be.

Live your life, loves, and never let anybody change you.

HS!

LH

Here’s my “Interview With The Hampire”

First things first. I did not create the title. My current interview victim did.

I was going to save this one for tomorrow, but since this morning’s post was, uh, interesting, I decided to end today on a really positive note. I’ve been doing these interviews with people who are members of the Church of Satan and while they have been so much fun, I also have a selfish reason for doing them. It helps me learn.

I’m a Baby Satanist. I’ve only been calling myself a Satanist for a year and a half now and became a Member of the Church of Satan just a few months ago. Right now, I’m still, and will always be, studying and attempting to learn. I know what I think Satanism is about, but no two Satanists are alike, which means I have a lot to learn.

That being said, here is our newest victim in what will hopefully be a long line of interviews. I proudly present: *Trumpet Sounds*

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“Politically Incorrect Curmudgeon” – His own damn twitter

Church of Satan Warlock Robert Leuthold

Sit back, turn down the lights, and enjoy…

1) Why did Satanism appeal to you before you joined the Church of Satan? 

I read a King Diamond interview way back in ’97 and got the Satanic Bible (my first copy of many) shortly afterwards.  I was all of seventeen, so I went right into First Phase, with the expected disastrous results.

I read the book again in my mid-twenties, with a lot more maturity and life experience,  It all made sense, and I saw myself reflected in the Satanic Bible.  Little did my Catholic Mom know she raised me as one.

2) Which of the 11 Satanic Rules of the Earth speaks to you the most?
With the social climate of late, I’d say “Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal” Consent is key.  Satanists are supposed to be the highest embodiment of human life, after all.  You can’t project that while being a creeper who ignores consent.
3) Is there a misconception people have about disabilities that you’d like to clear up?

Just one?

Well, there are a few.  First and foremost, bluntly:

There’s a pretty big misconception that the wheelchair somehow affects my dick, it doesn’t (once you go gimp, you walk with a limp, after all).

Second, some Satanists misconstrue the concept of Might Is Right, and somehow think that my disability somehow makes me unfit to be a Satanist.  That logic is as lame as my legs. (You made me snort laughing)

 

4) If there was a Spaceship in the sky about to fire the lasers, what would you do? 
Join the aliens and pick out targets.  First?  Justin Bieber.
5) What about Satanism would you like Non-Satanists to understand? 
Non-Satanists never will, it’s like kicking water uphill, or trying to make me ballroom dance.  Aside from the obvious atheism, and that the statue guys aren’t us?  That Satanists aren’t drug addled illiterate metal heads that sacrifice animals.
6) Are you working on any projects right now? 
7) What in your life are you the most proud of?

Surviving until 40, since I was born prematurely and not expected to live the night.

I’ve seen, and befriended bands I’m a fan of (M Gira of Swans, Mayhem, and rotting Christ to name a few.  Attending year 50 two years ago was a massive high point, too. (Jealous)

 

8) If you could only eat one dessert for the rest of your life, what would it be? 
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.
9) Do you have a favorite genre of book to read? 
Graphic Novels.  I’m that rare breed that likes Marvel and DC.
10) Define Satan. 
Satan is symbolic of the human animal’s carnal nature and rebellious spirit.  Not some being to be worshipped or groveled to, but an archetype to aspire to.
I hope you found reading these answers as fun as I did! There’s nothing I love more than somebody who not only answers a question thoughtfully, but also funnily.
If you’d like to know more about our wonderful Warlock, check out The Metal Grotto, or you can follow Robert on Twitter, Here.
If you are a Member of the Church of Satan and would like to also be interviewed, just shoot me an email at L.hipp94@gmail.com (You can’t hide from me forever, Gilmore)
Have a Fantastic day, Little Lucifers! I love you all!
HS!
LH

I’m a Satanic Witch

No, not the kind of Witch with warts and a long nose who throws newt’s eyes into bubbling cauldrons to make potions that make me immortal. Nor do I lure little children away into the night to suck away their life force to make myself beautiful. No, I am something much more powerful. I am a Satanic Witch.

I would like to make it clear that I am not (yet) a Second Degree Active Member of the Church of Satan, which means a person has moved up from Member to Active Member to Witch/Warlock. There are other levels to the Hierarchy that you can find on the Church of Satan’s website, but I’m not going to touch on those during this post.

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The Satanic Witch and I!

 

For this post is all about Satanic Witches and what I feel it means to be a Satanic Witch. I highly recommend reading The Satanic Witch if you haven’t already because it is a really great guide to figuring out if you even are a Satanic Witch, what kind of Satanic Witch you are, and what the hell that means.

I find myself falling into two different types of Satanic Witches. I am both pretty and an old grandma. I know it seems a little oxymoronic, but that’s who I am. Let me explain a little further.

I like to bake. I really love making sweet baked goods for people, as well as big meals if I have the space to host. I love to feed people and send them home with enough leftovers to fill their bellies for days to come. I am only 24 years old, but my friends will sometimes call me Grandma Lauren because I like to watch Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy, hang out with my cats, cook, bake, and (if my insomnia allows) get to bed before 10.

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My Chocolate Cake

I am also a beautiful. I am! It’s taken me a long time to realize this and call myself beautiful, but it’s part of what makes me a Satanic Witch. I am able to use these eyes and hips to draw people in and help get what I want. This is not to say that I am luring men into the shadows to kill them by flashing them a glimpse of my ankle. Not at all. But, if my pretty smile helps me get a job over a different candidate, you damn well know I’m going to be flashing them these pearly whites throughout the entire interview! Know what you’ve got and make it work for you. With that in mind, let us begin talking about…

Lesser Magic: What I find the most interesting about Lesser Magic is the fact that it is called “Lesser”. I understand that it means the difference between ritual-induced universal influence VS flirting… Lesser magic is literally how you sell yourself. I’m a pretty baker so when I need something I can flutter my lashes and offer a cookie to get what I need. (They’re homemade and I only use Amish butter so there’s a lot of flavor from that fat…. yum!) I digress.

I honestly think that Lesser Magic is the most powerful magic available to the Satanic Witch because we have the ability to use it on the daily. This can also happen over messages, too, if you are, like me, better with the written word than with spoken word. To be fair, I am good at poetry, but you know what I mean. Lesser Magic is known as manipulative  or Non-ritual magic. Then, there is something we use that is called…

Greater Magic: Greater Magic is ritual magic. This is the kind of magic that will cause people to point and scream “BLACK MAGIC” or “DEVIL WORSHIP” and crap like that. That’s bullshit. First off, there’s no such thing as black magic or white magic, there are only delusional people who trick themselves into thinking that they aren’t performing a ritual for selfish reasons. BREAKING NEWS: Everything you do is selfish so just learn to deal with it.

Greater Magic must take place during a ritual. If you haven’t done a ritual yet, I highly recommend it because it made me feel so calm afterwards. Basically, a ritual is done if a Satanist has done everything possible to influence the world physically. Let me give an example. Last year I was interviewed for a job and I went in and did really well and filled out what they wanted me to fill out and graduated college so I could start working right away and then… I waited. I waited and waited and waited and the weight of the waiting was so heavy that I found that all I could do was sit there and wonder if they were going to call me. That’s no way to live! I was wasting my time!

So, I performed a compassion ritual with two of my Satanist friends so that I might sway the mind’s of those thinking of hiring me. I left the ritual finally feeling like I had done everything possible! The choice was far out of my hands and all I could do was hope that my curse would work.

It did! Two days later I got a call and had been hired as a Drama Teacher! 23 years old and straight out of college! Now, I’m not saying that magic is real like in Harry Potter. As cool as that would be, I just don’t buy it. BUT I do believe that Magic is real.

Magic, to me, is very small. Unless we go into the ritual chamber, magic comes to us in the form of being able to make the best box cake anybody has ever tasted. Maybe its finding a full bottle of alcohol on the side of the road one day. Maybe it’s something scientific we just don’t have a name for yet. Hell, we barely understand Gravity.

During a recent interview with a Witch of the Church of Satan, I asked her a quick follow-up question and I basically got the answer I expected.

How do you think being a Satanic Witch differs from being a Satanic Warlock?

“My first impulse is to say that Witches have Vaginas and Warlocks have penises,  but even that rule has exceptions. There’s certainly no different standard for one over the other. When I try to imagine what I would be like as a warlock, the only difference of any significance is that I would have different secondary sexual characteristics. But they would be really significant! I mean, my cock, it would be monstrously huge!” -Heidee Nytes

(If you’d like to read more of that interview, click here).

Damn, I love Satanists.

If you would like to know more about what it means to be a Satanist or a Satanic Witch, I would take a look at a podcast that I listen to. She hasn’t posted since March, but I promise that Confessions of a Wicked Witch with Magistra Ygraine because she is so brilliant. Her voice is very soothing to me so I like to just listen to calm down every now and then. Another fun part of the podcast is the Wicked Witch of the Year Award. This is pretty straight forward, but if you would like to know more, please go listen to the podcast. It’s so good, as are all of the hosts and shows on Radio Free Satan.

Well, I hope you have a Devilish Day my Dark Darlings!

HS!

LH

It’s Time For… THE Talk

Oh, yes, my Satanic Sweethearts, it’s time to talk about the birds and the bees… the horizontal tango… the, um… sex. Yeah, I’m here today to talk to you about the sex. It’s a personal topic for some and just a water-cooler discussion for others. Everybody’s relationship to sex is different and will change depending on upbringing, religious beliefs, socio-economic status, and more.

I’m here today to talk to you about the Satanic view of sex. I will pos be including an interview I conducted with a woman Heidee Nytes who works in the adult film industry for an inside look into the mind of somebody who has made a lucrative perfusion of acts that make the meek blush. But first, MY Satanic perspective on sex.

Again I would like to reiterate that while I am a MEMBER of the Church of Satan, I am not an Active Member (Yet) and do not act as a spokesperson for the Church of Satan and do not speak for it or other members!

Okay, here it goes: I don’t give a fuck what you do in the bedroom. I don’t. Honestly, I’m not sure why anybody cares about what anybody else does in their lair during intimate moments. Well, as long as everybody is of age, has the ability to consent, and has already consented. Now, the wording here is designed to be careful.

First off, everybody has to be of age. To me, that means 18. I know the “age of consent” is different from state to state, but come on, have you met teenagers? I have and I don’t see why anybody would want to hang out with any of them for an extended period of time, let alone engage in a sexual relationship. Next, everybody must have the ability to consent. That means animals can’t consent and babies can’t consent and drunk/drugged people can’t consent and people with disabilities can’t consent. If somebody can’t consent, you can’t get on with the nasty. Lastly, everybody has to consent. Seriously this is so important. YOU don’t want to be accused of rape, do you? Then who cares if “the mood” is ruined because you have to look a person in the eyes and make sure they want you like you want them. It’s just safe that way.

After all that, I don’t care who or what you do or how often or with what or how many. I don’t. You know why? Because it doesn’t matter to me. I don’t wake up in a cold sweat each night every time a man goes to bed with another man or a group decides to have a threesome. I just don’t care. I don’t care if you like to lick feet or having cherries in a woman’s nose turns you on.

BUT, I do want you to be able to get your rocks off. Everybody has the right to enjoy what they enjoy, no matter how off-broadway those desires may be. A person who has a hand in making sure that people get what they want is Heidee Nytes. Heidee works with David Harris, a Magister of the Church of Satan and producer of custom adult films, which I’ve spoken about in detail in a pervious blog post.

I wanted to ask her a few questions so that we might get some insight into a profession most of us are willing to watch, enjoy, and then demonize because Christian values have made us thing that we should be ashamed of the pleasures of the flesh.

So, without further ado, our wonderful Heidee Nytes!

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From ‘Nadia and the Therapist’, Photo taken from AVN.com

1- What is your official job title?

I have so many “jobs!” As Heather Height I am a stand up comedian a freelance journalist and writer, a film producer, a wife and a mom.
As Heidee Nytes I’m a fetish model and a Pro Domme.
I guess my most “official” job title is VP of Dave’s Custom Media: Davescustommedia.com
2- What is your relationship to Satanism?
I am an active member in The Church of Satan where I have earned my other most official title of Witch Heather Height.
3- Do you have any misconceptions about the field you work in that you would like to clear up?
As far as stand-up:
1. There is not one element of comedy that some drunk know-it-all audience member can elucidate for any comic before, during or after the show.
2. No, drunk girl in the front row, you are not “helping.”
3. It is not the comedians job to care about your feelings, that’s why it’s not called a stand-up compassion show.
In regards to fetish modeling and being a Domme:
1. I don’t do blow jobs, I make subs blow other people.
2. Yes, I love what I do, but I also like to get paid for doing it. This is my work, don’t try to get me to Domme you for free. (This happens more than you would think.) Some guy wants me to write him an email explaining what I would do to him, that takes time. He’s basically asking me to write a short erotica for him for free. To quote Goodfellas, “Fuck you, pay me!”
4- If you had a pet panda what would you name it?
Lao Tzu Flufferbottoms
5- What’s your favorite drink to have when you go out with friends?
I change it up from time to time, usually between gin and tonic, Bloody Mary’s or margaritas.
6- Have you ever had to deal with a stalker-like situation?
I may have had stalkers, but I either befriended them or blocked them. So it hasn’t been a problem as of yet.
7- What are you most proud of?
Jeepers, I have a lot of things that I’m proud of pretty equally, assuming you’re referring to accomplishments. I have set many goals in my life and accomplished them. (I try to keep that in mind when I’m feeling shitty about the ones I don’t accomplish.) Before I became a writer and comedian I ran the first corporate massage business in NE Pennsylvania. I will always be proud of that. Not long after becoming a writer I had several articles published in Forum Magazine without ever going to school for Journalism. The very first fetish film I did I ended up staring in and it was nominated for an XBiz award, that was pretty cool. I think the most recent thing was two things that are closely associated in my mind; I did a spread for Old Nick Magazine at the age of 45 and served as a nude altar for the 50 year celebration of the founding of The Church of Satan at 46. I’m damn proud if that!
8- Tell me about your most recent project.
My most recent completed project is our first full length adult film, Nadia and the Therapist.
It’s really been like my baby. I wrote the treatment and the screenplay. I did the set design and helped with the casting, I also costarred as the therapist. We shot the whole thing in one grueling 12 hour day! Our star, Nadia White, wasn’t feeling well all day, she did an amazing job! My husband, Magister David Harris, shot and directed with the help of our friend Wilfredo who runs Evangelinevonwinter.com with his wife. David did all the editing and got it up on our clips4sale store,  (available for purchase here:
And today, just 5 months after shooting, Nadia and the Therapist was on the front page of AVN.com!
You can read the write-up here:
9- If you could only read one thing forever what would it be?
The internet. (The author should have seen that coming)
Seriously, though, if I had to pick one book? Stranger Than Fiction by Chuck Palahniuk.
10- If you only had three wishes what would they be? 
Well, in all honesty,  I would go the pragmatic route and wish for infinite wishes. But in the interest of the insight that these questions are supposed to highlight:
1 That my husband and I were immortal so we could be in love forever.
2 That I could take back all the dumb parenting mistakes I made.
3 That our little Mom & Pop fetish film company grows into the porn empire that we dreamed it would one day be.
Unholy cow, guys, that was so much fun! I count myself as #blessed (ha) that members of The Church of Satan have been willing to answer my silly questions, as well as my more important questions. I hope you all really enjoyed reading these and I hope more Church of Satan members step up to the batter’s box.
Keep on enjoying life, my Friends of the Infernal Flame!
HS!
LH