Here’s What I Listen to

I like to listen to music. I know this is a very bland statement because EVERYBODY likes to listen to some sort of music, but it’s true. Music in the shower; in the car on the way to work; at work sometimes; when I go on my ten-mile walks; anywhere I can listen to music, to do. It helps me process my emotions and sometimes allows me to pretend I’m in a music video, which is a lot of fun.

Now, I thought about doing my “Top Ten Favorite Satanic Songs” but then I realized two things. 1) I don’t know/enjoy that many Satanic songs and 2) I am of the opinion that every song is Satanic. Yes, even Christian music. I love advent music and will often listen to Amazing Grace around the Holidays, as well as others, because I enjoy the memories that accompany the music. I consider a song Satanic as long as I, a Satanist and God of my own universe, like it.

audience band concert crowd

So, without further ado, here are my Top Ten Favorite Songs (at the moment) in…

Lauren’s Top Picks*

(*Links in the titles)

10) Sweet Home Alabama by Lynyrd Skynyrd  

I love this song because it is just so much fun to sing to! Now, I never seek this song out, but instead wait for the radio station to play it because then it feels like more of a treat. I can’t really say exactly what I love about this song other than it’s fun to sing to in the car. If it comes on at the clurb, I sing to it, but I’m not sure how to dance to it other than to square dance and I won’t do that. (Sorry if you like to square dance. You do you, boo).

9) Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm by The Crash Test Dummies 

This song is really special to me because my Mom used to put it on in the car to get me to fall asleep when I was a baby. She said the feeling of the car (or laundry basket on the dryer) combined with the low voice of Brad Roberts would make me pass right out. I still have a hard time listening to this song in the car at night because it’ll make me feel sleepy.

8) My Shot in the Hamilton Soundtrack by Lin-Manuel Miranda

I adore this song because it is so much fun to listen to and it’s all about doing your damn best. What could be more Satanic than that!? These young men are about to go to war and they’re imagining what they could do to change the world for the better. They want to be the best that they can be. Plus it’s rap! What is more fun than a rap musical about the founding of the United States?

7) Bodak Yellow by Cardi B

This may seem as if it’s coming out of left field, but I really love this song for how empowering it is. It’s all about how Cardi doesn’t have to be a dancer anymore and gets to live her best life, free of what those who are jealous of her might think. One of my favorite lines is an allusion to the shoes she is wearing which she says are “red bottoms”. Now, I don’t pay a lot of attention to fashion, but I do know that this is referring to Christian Louboutin shoes which have red bottoms and are known to be REALLY EXPENSIVE. Like, $800+ expensive. That’s my rent!

adult beautiful blur casual

6) Jukebox Hero by Foreigner 

Oh, what a classic, am I right? I love listening to this one because it’s a great song overall. Wonderful beat, fun guitar (obviously), and a really great story! I didn’t really listen to the lyrics at first, instead enjoying the song as a whole. Then I really listened and realized it was even more amazing than I had thought! It’s about this kid who can’t afford to get into a concert and then ends up becoming a rock star through hard work. Can I get a Hail Satan?

5) Rental by Deadly D

Man oh man do I love this song. Please pardon that the video I linked to is a live version, I can’t find one that isn’t, but it’s on the CD in my car so I know it’s out there. I love this song because it’s freaking funny. Another reason I like this song so much is that I know the guys. I was, honestly, expecting that they would be sucky because it seems most people who want to show you their music are actually mediocre, but I ended up loving every song! Fun fact: I was allowed the honor of singing a verse of this song with them a few days ago!

4) You should see me in a crown by Billie Eilish

Gotta say, the music video for this song caught me before the actual song because she has damn spiders running all over her. I was amazed and sickened and couldn’t look away. But the song itself is really good. You can tell what the song is about from the title, but I found it really fun to listen to as I was walking around my town because it let me pretend to be in my own movie/music video. Yes, I am laughing at myself right along with you.

3) Year Zero by Ghost BC

I feel powerful when I listen to this song. Yes, this is the first song on the list that would be considered Satanic and also the first band to get me into Satanism. I know Ghost is sometimes considered First Phase, but screw off, I really like driving down the road, singing “HAIL SATAN” at the top of my lungs. I adore a lot of songs by Ghost, but this one is my favorite out of all of them, for sure.

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What I think I look like in the car

2) Killer Queen by Queen

So, this song is interesting because it’s about how high-class people can also be sluts, which I think is wonderful. I don’t think Freddie Mercury is casting this in a negative light, though, as the woman in the song sounds freaking amazing. I like to joke that I’m going to walk down the aisle to this song if I get married one day. Mom doesn’t think that’s very funny.

1) Lighting Crashes by Live 

Damn, what a song. This is another song that used to be a lullaby for me. I would fall asleep when this came on and can sometimes still feel sleepy, just like The Crash Test Dummies song from before. The reason I picked this one over that for the top spot, though, is because I’ve also had some wonderful memories become attached to it as I’ve grown up. I was the only one in my history class to know the song and my teacher thought that I was cheating because I knew what song it was by the first two chords. My favorite memory of this song, though, was when I slow danced to it in a bar. He wasn’t a very good dancer, but I was so happy in that moment and I will carry that feeling with me for the rest of my life.

Well, I hope you liked some of the songs on here and might give a listen to a few that you don’t know! I’d like to say, too, that these are subject to change from day-to-day, just based on my mood and such. I tried to give you a comprehensive list, but I’m sure I missed a few because I’m not in the right mood to even think about them.

So, what are some of your favorite songs, my Darling Devils?

HS!

LH

It’s Almost a New Year!

Hey, everyone, how’s it going? I know it’s been a long while since I’ve posted, but man oh man did I need a break. The school I work at went on winter break a while ago, so I’ve been relaxing and trying to get everything in order around the house. Between that and the holidays, as well as some personal issues, I’ve been busy and tired.

But, now, I’m back and it’s almost the New Year! I gotta say, I love New Years Eve. Some people think it’s stupid because it’s a nothing date that, in the grand scheme of things, is meaningless in the universe and resolutions never stick and blah blah blah. Whatever! New Years Eve is fun and exciting! It’s a time to be with friends, drink, dance, remember, and, perhaps, change for the better.

people dancing inside building

I plan on going out with my friends, myself. For New Years Day, I’ll have sauerkraut because it’s good luck, according to my German family. Whatever, I’ll roll with it. I’m willing to try anything in order to give myself a head start.

One thing I am actively doing to “start the new year off right” is fixing my brain. I say I’m doing it for the “New Year, New Me” saying, but that’s just happenstance and cute. I have some really deep-seeded mental health issues that are buried so far down that I’ve lost what happened to even make everything shitty. What I recently found out, luckily, is that the school I work at provides free therapist services to teachers and jumped on that shit right away!

Since you’re reading this far, you’ve read the title of the blog, so I don’t really have to tell you I’m a Satanist, but I should remind anyone that I don’t believe in a real Satan. Satan is a fictional, external representation of one’s best self, free of Abrahamic laws. That means, when I say “Hail Satan”, I’m really hailing myself. I am the god of my universe. So, if I am god, I must be infallible right?

Fucking no! You’re still a human and humans are broken, meat sacks flying through a universe that doesn’t care. I am of the opinion that mental health is just as important as physical health. Hell, if your mental health is suffering, it can present itself as physical pain. I’ve spoken about their briefly before when I talked about how my anxiety causes me to puke my guts out.

You can’t make your world better if you’re broken. You can’t be your BEST SELF if you hurt yourself or kill yourself or never leave bed or never shower or see people or whatever. Get yourself mentally healthy so that you can go out and conquer the universe.

Some people probably don’t agree with me, and that’s okay, but I know that I feel better after talking to my therapist. Others may think I’m weak for not fixing it myself or whining for posting it here, but I’m not. Sometimes people need to see that others are going through what they feel in order to decide to heal. And I am strong enough to look at myself and say “Yeah, you’re fucked up” and then actually do something to fix it.

So, going into the New Year, I am taking steps to improve myself. I’m excited to see what this “new” journey around the sun has for me and what I’ll do throughout. I’ll do my damnedest to make sure it’s fun as hell.

Have a great day, my Darling Devils.

HS!

LH

I Performed a Ritual

Hey there, friends, I’m dropping in to say hello! I survived my crazy week and am now operating at my acceptable level of stress. It was a great time, but I didn’t get to talk about my ritual two weekends ago!

A few days ago, somebody asked me to address ritual magic and how I interpret it. I will give my opinion, but I’d like to take the time to mind everybody that, while I am an Active Member of the Church of Satan, I do not speak for the Church of Satan or any of its other members.

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My Ritual Outfit

So, my friend Colby and I set up everything at his house, but we had to make a few changes to the ritual due to the fact that fire is a danger we were unwilling to risk. Instead, we used water. The necessary candles were used, we just didn’t feel comfortable burning anything in his basement.

I recited the proper words and we went through compassion, destruction, and lust, as we had discussed before going into the chamber. I don’t know why he needed to ritualize, nor did he know my intentions, but I knew enough to formulate a ritual around our needs.

I don’t want to go very far into what the ritual actually looked like, as it is depicted on the Church of Satan’s Youtube, as well in The Satanic Bible. There were candles, robes, music by my boy Hexenkraft, bells, and everything else that goes along with entering the ritual chamber. I will, though, talk about how it made me feel and how I use Ritual Magic.

art blur bright candlelight

When I perform a ritual, it’s because I have done everything in the physical world I could possible do to influence my desired outcome. If I, let’s say, had my eye on a guy who I wanted to go out with, I would have used every trick in The Satanic Witch, bringing out the big Lesser Magic “guns” each time I have the opportunity, in order to draw him to me. If I have done all that I, myself, can do, I might decide to perform a ritual. This is a way to take all my strong, emotional, powerful feelings and throw them from my body, towards the object of the ritual, and use that power to also help in reaching my desires.

It also clears my mind, taking a weight off my shoulders, because I feel as though I really have done EVERYTHING. I have covered all of my bases and there would be no reason to stress anymore, meaning that I can move on and put my energy into other creative or professional endeavors. My energy is wasted on worrying about that which I can’t control, and my energy is my power. I don’t want to waste it.

So, after my ritual, I felt lighter than air. I felt dark and powerful and that I could have moved a mountain with just a glance. It was a wonderful, electric feeling that I took with me the rest of the night out with my friends, and man did I have a good time!

That is what ritual means to me, so it might be different for other Satanists. Just like people, no two rituals are the same and asking Reverend Campbell would probably have a different answer than me, so I recommend asking others and, even better, doing your own! There’s no better way to experience a ritual than just doing on yourself.

I hope you liked this little entry and if you have any questions or comments you can email me or comment below and I’ll check them out. Be sure to check out my Youtube videos where I sometimes post instead of on here and follow me on Twitter if you want to really know what’s going on in my brain.

I’ll see you on the other side, my friends.

HS!

LH

I Celebrate Little Victories

When people think of Washington State, they think of mountains, evergreen trees, and rain. While all of these things are true, Washington has a dark side. We are the state with the highest rates of suicide and depression. Rates of diagnosis for depression are on the rise, here, too. Most of these come from Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD, which is another name for Seasonal Depression, and describes a time every year that depression arises.

close up photography of wet leaves

I love living in Washington State. It’s full of color and beauty in ways you’ll never see in other states. We have desert, rainforest, plains, mountains, and pretty much every biome of which you can think. Last summer, I had breakfast by a river; lunch by a glacier lake; and a sunset dinner on the beach with my toes in the sand. It’s an amazing places to live, but can be trying.

My family is riddled with Clinical Depression, also known as Major Depression. It’s different from Seasonal Depression because it is constant and, while we have good days, it isn’t something that goes away for the majority of the year. Winter and fall do make clinical depression worse for us, though, so there are elements of SAD in that I can handle it most of the year. Then the sun goes away. That’s the biggest issue is that the sun goes away, so I try to take vitamin D3 and eat better (besides the holidays), but it still happens.

There are days where I can function perfectly, but all I can think about is hanging myself. Don’t freak, don’t panic. I don’t need sympathy, I’m just trying to put what I’m trying to say in perspective. I want you to know where my mind is.

adult attractive beautiful beauty

The days when I can function perfectly normally an still think about suicide on repeat are considered good days. Bad days are very bad. Bad days may mean I don’t feed myself because a small part of my mind hopes I’ll just starve. It may mean I won’t talk to anybody for weeks, if I can. My anxiety makes it worse, too, by causing me to throw up when I’m stressed so I wake up to a really bad day and I begin to lose weight.

So I have Little Victories. Small things I can do each day to make myself feel less like a failure. Posting here can be a little victory sometimes. Sometimes they’re even smaller, like getting out of bed, doing my makeup, taking a damn shower. Now, I don’t text my mom each time like, “MAMA I AATE TODAY!”. No. But it helps ME get up and actually accomplish the shit I need to get out and do.

I hope that makes sense. Little, personal victories to keep you going are very healthy if you have a mental illness. As somebody with Depression, anxiety, and PTSD, my victories are sometimes very small. I’m not trying to whine or get attention or anything, I just want somebody, anybody, to feel a little better and that they’re not alone.

I hope you all keep yourself well this upcoming rainy season.

HS!

LH

 

I’d like to say Thank You

For those who don’t know, today is the day in history in which Anton LaVey shuffled off this mortal coil in 1997, but that’s not what I’m here for really focus on. Instead, I’d like to say thank you.

Something that really amazes me is that LaVey created Satanism and was able to pull me into a religion 20 years after his death! (I joined last year). Talk about some strong lesser magic. I remember looking through the various pages on the Church of Satan site and being entranced by the pictures of LaVey in these dark, interesting photos, surrounded by imagery that many would call “creepy”.

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Photo Credit: Church of Satan Archives 

Well, I thought they were damn cool! I was drawn further into the Church of Satan because this man was presenting himself as confident, dark, and creative, which was something I saw in myself as well. I wanted to know more.

I realize now that this is the second layer of defense that LaVey had against those he didn’t want in the Church of Satan, the first being the name. If you can hear that title, see the Satanic imagery and still want to learn more, then you might be a Satanist. Probably not, but maybe. Once you allow yourself to sink into the darkness and have fun with it, you can get down into the beliefs into the Church of Satan, which are nothing more than (seemingly) obvious.

Some people say that they find themselves within a religion and I just gotta say, that’s total bullshit. I didn’t find myself within The Satanic Bible, but I saw me. I saw LaVey sitting down with a glass of red wine, creating a religion for himself that was able to reach past his death, 20 years into the future, and touch me. I didn’t need a name for how I was living my life, because I was always going to be living in a Satanic manner, but I had the name Satanism because of Anton LaVey.

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Photo Credit: Church of Satan Archives

I saw those people around me worshipping an idea that never seemed to actually do anything but was still given all the credit and that pissed me off. I saw people harming others and forcing their ideas onto others in the name of this idea and that pissed me off. LaVey saw this, too, and created something else. I am the god that must be worshipped. I am the god that can change tides and move mountains and I WILL be given credit where credit is due.

So, thank you Dr. LaVey, for seeing clearly. Thank you for taking what I was feeling my whole life and putting it to paper, decades before I was a glimmer in my mama’s eye. Thank you for being unapologetic about who you were and what you enjoyed. Thank you for creating The Satanic Bible and the Church of Satan so that I might eventually wander through its proverbial doors and discover I was already there, leafing through the pages.

There are various hats I wear in various times in my life. Downtown Party Lauren isn’t the same as Teaching Children Lauren isn’t the same as Lighting Designer Lauren, but one thing I always keep with me is the words written by Anton LaVey, as the teachings of Satanism, the ones I felt but never had the words for, will always inform my decisions.

So, thank you to Anton LaVey, and also to the rest of the founding members that have taken up the torch since LaVey passed. It is because of them that young folks, like me, were able to finally have the word to describe who we are: Satanist.

Have a wonderful rest of your Monday, my Darling Devils, and I’ll see you tomorrow.

Hail Anton LaVey!

HS!

LH

I Hate Nazis

I can’t believe I have to say this. Honestly, I haven’t had anybody say that I am connected to Nazis since my school years when kids would make fun of my extremely german last name. Back then I would just laugh at them for being unoriginal and shrug it off. I knew the kids didn’t think I was hateful or a murderer.

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A few weeks ago I was poking around on Twitter when I saw that somebody was making comments on my friend Sophie’s tweet, trying to say that the Church of Satan and its members were Nazis. It was really pissing me off because I am not a nazi. I am a Democrat and also not a monster.

Now, the Holocaust is interesting in a “peek into the mind of a maniac” sort of way, but the acts committed by Nazis and in the name of Hitler were astoundingly cruel and horrific. That makes me a student of history, not a Nazi.

But this person decided to go on and say that since the Church of Satan may contain members with Nazi sympathies, it is a Nazi organization. Um, no, that’s not how anything works. If we were to apply the same logic to everything else, the world would fall apart. Organizations all over the world have members that may have ideas or values that the organization doesn’t share.

An example: Most Nazis are Christian but Christians would take offense if you were to say that being Christian makes them a Nazi because they don’t kick the Nazis out of Christianity. An easier example: A square is a rectangle but not every rectangle is a square.

I am a very firm believer that people should be able to make their own choices in life. This may be because I had an abusive stepdad who wanted to control me and my mother and due to him, I put a lot of value in freedom. I dye my hair different colors because I don’t want to be constrained to black, brown, or blonde. Sometimes that means living in a world where I disagree with others.

Now, does that mean I would condone the banning of non-halal foods because Muslims decided that they don’t want them on the shelves anymore? No. Just like I don’t agree with Nazis that white people are the master race or whatever. I think that’s a disgusting ideal and I’m horrified anybody would compare me to a Nazi.

Maybe there are Nazis in the Church of Satan, I don’t know, because I am not responsible for who the Church of Satan decides to allow into their ranks. Nor do I have the power to kick Nazis out of the Church of Satan. If low-level members like me had that power, I’m sure the Nazis would have used it by now.

The members of the Church of Satan are not one hive mind. Sure, there are some values that we share such as The Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth and The Nine Satanic Statements, but they mean something different to each individual Satanist. If you were to ask Reverend Campbell to interpret the Seventh Satanic Rule of the Earth and then asked Citizen Nero to do the same, their answers would probably be different.

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Humans consume the world through different filters. These can be race, religion, socioeconomic status, childhood experience, privet vs public school, city vs farm living, and so much more. Because of these lenses, information is processed differently from person to person and no two people’s experiences can be the same. To say that all Satanists are one thing because you saw one Satanist do the thing is a sign of a small mind.

So, what can I do if I don’t want to be labeled a Nazi? The guy who prompted this post said that I am appeasing the Nazis because I’m not doing anything to get them out of my Church. That is if there even are any because I really haven’t looked into it. That’s not a productive way to spend my energy.

Well, I’m a teacher and I am using that influential position to make a better future. I am introducing them to plays and scripts that make them think and challenge their world view. We learn about the ways theatre was shaped in different regions of the world and how culture is a huge part of putting on a production. I am working on creating a world where Nazis can’t exist.

Reverend Campbell posted a video today where he discusses The Satanic Warlock of the Year award and what he is looking for in candidates. One thing that was on my mind a lot today was looking at what you’ve done in the real world and not within the world of Satanism. I really recommend watching the video because he’s spot on. I’m not just trying to drive Nazis out of the Church of Satan, I’m trying to drive that sort of thinking out of the entire world. To focus on JUST changing the little Satanic bubble you live in would be short-sited. I am focused on much larger prizes.

So go change the world, my Sweet Satanists, whatever that means to you.

HS!

LH

I’m Afraid

Life is scary. There are a lot of ways to get hurt and killed out there, and we are more aware of that these days than ever before due to how quickly information can spread. Every day I look at my Twitter feed and see numerous headlines such as “Texas water resort closed, tested for ‘brain-eating amoeba’ after man’s death“, “Facebook just had its worse hack ever — and it could get worse“, and “Seven parked cars set on fire in Redmond” and my brain instantly goes “well, what would we do if that happened?”. Well, I don’t know, but maybe I should know.

My day is filled with dangers. I could slip in fall in the shower or just be straight up murdered in my sleep. Every day I drive 45 minutes to and from work, either on the freeway or the nerve-wracking Chuckanut Drive. It’s a wonderfully beautiful area

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From the Oyster Bar on Chuckanut Drive

right edge of the Puget Sound and surrounded by forests, but the road has a lot of twists and turns. The lanes are very small and the road follows a steep cliff, which makes passing large trucks very scary.

The best part is that my car is one of the deadliest to drive these days. To be fair, I’m looking to buy a new one soon but I really needed a new mattress. I know that doesn’t seem as important as a new car, but you should have slept on my old mattress.

Back to danger. So, I work at a school and that makes me nervous due to the school shootings that have occurred. I worry about keeping my students safe and what we would do if something were to happen. I have a plan, but I worry anyway.

If I go out, I could be drugged (that’s happened twice to me), I could get hit by a drunk driver, I could be raped or murdered for denying a man, or sold into the illegal sex trade.

When I’m in the theatre, I could fall from the ladder, lift, or catwalk, which range from 10 feet up to 60 feet up, depending on the location. I could start a fire and die

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From McIntyre Hall. This is one of the theatres I work in. See the catwalk above the house?

from that in various ways. I could be electrocuted. I could get hit by something coming in from the fly system. Also you can just be murdered anywhere, so just add that mentally from now on.

There are many, many diseases all over the world that could destroy my life and leave me in agony for my raining days. There are animals that can sting you, bite you, poison you, paralyze you, brutalize your body and/or murder you. I’m looking at you, Australia.

My greatest fear in the world is dying before my mother followed closely by getting in a violent car accident and burning alive. My phobias are spiders, bees, and clowns/mascots.

The thing is, I still drive to work every day to teach children. I still go 60 feet up onto the catwalk in the theatre and lean five feet out to gel a lamp. I still want to travel and eat new foods! There’s too much to do and see for me to say, but my bucket list is long. There’s a lot I’ve already done, too, like driving across country in 18-wheelers and performing in the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

I live my life aware of the possible hazards and I think about what I would do in situations, but I don’t live my life as if it will happen every time I step out of the house. That’s no way to enjoy what the universe has to offer.

Go for a drive down Chuckanut if you’re ever in Bellingham, but pay attention to the road and wear your seatbelt. Have a belt-cutter and a way to break your window in case you crash into the water. If you’re prepared, you’ll be okay.

Case in point: Last winter my boyfriend and I were driving home from a party in Seattle. It was really, really snowy and he’s driving slower, but we came to a big hill on I-5 (just past the Starboard road exit if you’re familiar) and at the bottom, I felt the car start to slip. Dylan started to panic a little and I watched the trees and the lights of oncoming traffic as we spun towards the median. He was trying to correct

black car on roadway while raining during nighttime

and hit the break, so I very calmly said to take his foot off the break and keep his hands still. Eventually, we came to a stop facing traffic, though it was really far up the road. After a breath, we continued. This time, much slower. We passed other cars that night that had spun out. Some had gone into the trees, others into guard rails or just straight off the road. When we made it home, I almost cried.

My point here is that I was able to be calm because I was prepared. I wasn’t afraid, even as it was happening. I distinctly remember feeling a crisp, chilly weight in my stomach and feeling very even. I was the calm within the storm and we didn’t go off the road.

So, what I’m trying to say is to go out and live your life, just be prepared.

Okay, off to school. I’ll talk to you later, my Darling Devils.

HS!

LH