Good evening, my lovelies. Since it is going into spring time, I began to think about growth and new beginnings. Spring time is when animals start having their new babies and trees start getting new buds on their branches. With this idea of growth and renewal in mind, I decided to interview a member of the Church of Satan who is going through a process of redefining and growing into themselves. Put your hands together for a friend of I’m a Satanist And… Gwen!
All that being said, I am so very thankful to Gwen for being the latest installment in…
1) How’s life?
Better than I could have ever imagined since starting to transition, I didn’t know what I was missing out on!
2) Have you had any interesting or exciting experiences since starting transitioning?
More “funny” than interesting, I’ve had people not notice the physical changes, despite them being very obvious (along with me wearing female clothing etc).
One conversation I basically asked them if they’d noticed the changes, they said “your hair is longer?” – and I had to point at my tits (seriously) until they clicked that it was more than just hair being longer.
I was wearing a long flowing dress at the time too…..
3) Will how you celebrate your birthday change this year?
I haven’t decided fully yet, but something to do with 32-bit computing and femaleness – I’m still a geek at heart
4) What’s your favorite way to relax after a long day?
Coding something (currently working on an OS kernel), a bit of gaming or TV – often with a nice cold drink and a snack.
5) What do you say to Satanists who are anti-LGBTQA+?
“You aren’t Satanists” – seriously, people who don’t get that obviously never read LaVey’s work.
6) What did you grow up masterbating to? (Reader submitted: feel free to submit your own in the comments!)
I plead the 5th!
Ok, a few random girls I liked in school (sidenote: that held me back for years, I thought i couldn’t be trans cos I liked girls) and Sarah Michelle Gellar and a few other random celebs.
7) What’s the biggest change in your daily life thus far since beginning to transition?
Practical stuff mainly – taking my HRT meds (not a big change really, I already swallowed a bunch of nootropics and supplements daily for health reasons), different clothing, and applying makeup if I’m going out somewhere.
8) Has your relationship with the Church of Satan changed since your began the transition process?
Not yet, I haven’t got a formal diagnosis of gender dysphoria yet, once I have that i’ll be applying for a new card.
9) What’s the stupidest driving law in the place in which you (generally) live?
Not a clue, I don’t drive.
10) What is your favorite guilty pleasure song you would never admit to anyone else? (Reader submitted: feel free to submit your own in the comments!)
crawling by Linkin park – edgy emo teenage crap, but I first heard it when I was a very emo teenager, and if you watch the video it kinda makes sense why I related to it……..
I hope you are all having a great day and enjoyed this installment in The Infernal Interviews! I’ll see you soon, my darlings.
Hey folks, how’s it going on this lovely Friday? It’s a little wet and cloudy here in Washington, but that’s okay as it keeps the land green and the tourists away!
I’d also like to take a moment to say thank you to everybody who has followed the blog or reads it now and again. (Almost 100 followers!) It’s really nice to see people enjoy listening to what I say as I scream it into the void. I like to use this space as a sort of public diary and if anybody reads it and likes it, then that’s all the better. With that in mind, I’d like to tell a story.
I was dating a man for two years. We had moved in together quickly because I was in a bad living situation when we started dating and while it may have been fast, it worked out. Well, the relationship started to degrade. We still loved each other, we just weren’t IN LOVE with each other, if that makes sense. Time went by and I could feel us slowly slipping apart, which hurt because I still really cared about the guy. I didn’t want to lose a close friend, nor did I want to hurt feelings. We were together for two years! We shared everything.
Well, a few weeks ago, I finally decided something needed to be done. I wanted to be kind, so I waited until after the holidays, but I also wanted to start off the year fresh. So, a few days before New Years Eve, I made a nice dinner. My plan was to make a really nice evening so that he wouldn’t feel as if I was being a big dick.
I made steak and purple and yellow potatoes for dinner and cheesecake for dessert. We didn’t really use the dining table that much, so I decided to do it there so that he wouldn’t have to sit at the couch where we normally hang out, thinking about how I had left him. Was I over thinking this? Yeah, probably.
So, we ate dinner and I eventually looked at him and started the conversation I had been playing in my head over and over again. He knew what I was going to say and confessed that it was something he had been considering for a while, too. What a relief! After I knew that, I was totally at ease, and we just ended it without conflict.
I left for a few days so that he could have his space, eventually coming back because I needed stuff. We started talking and hanging out and I realized that our relationship could survive. We could still be friends!
Where we are, the cost of living is super high and moving expenses can be crazy high, especially in a college town. We both started looking for places to live, but we realized there was no way we could afford to live alone, nor did we want to try to find new people to live with. He actually interviewed some potential roommates, but found that they were, well, sub par.
He and I ended up getting drunk one night and just talking. We talked about how we were doing and what we were feeling. We also talked about the living situation and realized that we were totally fine continuing to live together. We have a great apartment and didn’t want to give it up. It’s cheap and close to everything and allows cats. So, we’ve decided to find a happy medium.
We’re going to get separate beds and treat it like a dorm. I know, this may seem strange since we were dating for so long, but it is actually working out really nicely. We watch movies together and do hair and face masks together. We really were best friends more than we were lovers, and now we are having more fun than we ever did when we were dating. Plus, now we’re both single! If he wants to go out on a date, I’ll help him get ready and vacate if he ends up getting lucky.
Maybe it’s odd, but it works for us. I’m glad I was able to date him for a while, but in the end he’s my best friend, and we’re both a lot happier this way. Besides, we’ve discussed that people have needs and causal sex isn’t off the table… It’s not like we haven’t done it before! Wonderful benefits.
I hope you all find what works for you! This weekend I’ll be hitting the clurbs with my cousin, so we’ll see what happens.
Morning Everyone! I have mentioned before that I am going to Community College so I can get a few credits cheap before moving on to my Master’s program. Well, right now in my literature class we are reading a lot of texts from early America, which tend to have a lot of religious overtones. Yesterday, we had to read a sermon titled Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God by Reverend Jonathan Edwards. I started reading it while also looking at the discussion board on the text, and man did I start to get flustered. I must be in a class with a bunch of religious people because they were all about this.
Or, perhaps, the students in my class don’t understand that you don’t have to agree with each and every text that we read in class. The teacher had us read it to get us thinking, not because it’s his favorite book! Maybe it’s because I’ve already been through University, but I no longer feel the need to kiss my professor’s boots because I know they’ll give me a good grade as long as I am able to make arguments and back them up with facts. They’re trying to get you to expand your mind, not learn how to be a yes-man.
So, we had to write a one-page essay based on a text we’ve read and I picked Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God, which I realize now was dumb because it’s a LONG sermon and I couldn’t go over one page of text. We were supposed to do a close reading and, from what I understand, a mini-literary analysis and damn I could have made this into a 30-pager easily. Sadly, I probably won’t get to unless it’s on my own time because Community College isn’t normally that crazy.
I thought I’d share my essay with you here:
Controlling the Creator: A brief look into how God is used as a tool for manipulation
By Lauren Hippenstiel
God has always been used by the church to justify any action that may be looked upon as controversial by the general public. In the 19thcentury, it was God who gave settlers the right to expand into the Americas and begin to manifest the destiny he had written for them. Before that, The Crusades became the cause of death for thousands as people fought for control of holy sites that was controlled by Muslims in 1095. But how could an establishment that teaches not to kill or lie justify such horrific actions while also convincing thousands to murder their fellow humans? By using God as a scare tactic to ensure obedience in all endeavors. Reverend Jonathan Edwards uses his sermon Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God to frighten those who hear his word, thus making them obedient to him as he is the interpreter of the word of God.
The main argument of his sermon is that those who choose to walk in places of temptation and damnation will eventually fall into hell because God has decided it is time. Edwards implies that the wicked are predestined to feel God’s wrath, it just takes time for God to get around to punishing them. He states, “Yea, God is a great deal more angry with great numbers that are now on earth; yea, doubtless, with many that are now in this congregation, who it may be are at ease, than he is with many of those who are now in the flames of hell”. Basically, at all times, we must walk on eggs shells, ever watchful for potential sins or run the risk of God’s eye moving towards us and casting us into the pit of despair. Those who heard this word would then have no time to question that what was being told to them. They had to feed their children, protect their families, and praise God in order to ensure the survival of their flesh and their spirit simultaneously. There was no time to pick apart each word of The Bible. That hobby was reserved for the wealthy, educated man of the time who, more often than not, was a high-ranking member of the Church and would therefore benefit from a more easily manipulated flock.
Far from the all-loving God we see in the current era, he is portrayed within the text as somebody who looks upon humans as filth and not as his beautiful creations full of potential. Edward states that “The God that holds you over the pit of hell, much as one holds a spider, or some loathsome insect over the fire, abhors you, and is dreadfully provoked: his wrath towards you burns like fire; he looks upon you as worthy of nothing else, but to be cast into the fire; he is of purer eyes than to bear to have you in his sight; you are ten thousand times more abominable in his eyes, than the most hateful venomous serpent is in ours”. This goes against the normal image of God as the protector. We often see him in positions of power, saving humanity from the pits of Hell rather than dangling us over it much like a petulant child would cast an ant that has bit his finger into a campfire. This would cause the members of the congregation to quake in fear, always wondering if they’re doing enough to keep God happy.
These portrayals seem to cast God as more of a devil than The Almighty Savior of humanity. It was the sin of loving God above humanity that caused God to cast Lucifer from Heaven, which means at some point in history the Church decided that a benevolent, human-loving God was more lucrative for them than a malevolent one. This switch can be seen today as God-adorers use their faith to justify turning away those who seek asylum within our boarders in a bastardization of manifest destiny. As society changes, so must God, as must the men those who control him, if they are to survive.
Let me know what you think on this Freedom of Religion day!
I like to listen to music. I know this is a very bland statement because EVERYBODY likes to listen to some sort of music, but it’s true. Music in the shower; in the car on the way to work; at work sometimes; when I go on my ten-mile walks; anywhere I can listen to music, to do. It helps me process my emotions and sometimes allows me to pretend I’m in a music video, which is a lot of fun.
Now, I thought about doing my “Top Ten Favorite Satanic Songs” but then I realized two things. 1) I don’t know/enjoy that many Satanic songs and 2) I am of the opinion that every song is Satanic. Yes, even Christian music. I love advent music and will often listen to Amazing Grace around the Holidays, as well as others, because I enjoy the memories that accompany the music. I consider a song Satanic as long as I, a Satanist and God of my own universe, like it.
So, without further ado, here are my Top Ten Favorite Songs (at the moment) in…
I love this song because it is just so much fun to sing to! Now, I never seek this song out, but instead wait for the radio station to play it because then it feels like more of a treat. I can’t really say exactly what I love about this song other than it’s fun to sing to in the car. If it comes on at the clurb, I sing to it, but I’m not sure how to dance to it other than to square dance and I won’t do that. (Sorry if you like to square dance. You do you, boo).
This song is really special to me because my Mom used to put it on in the car to get me to fall asleep when I was a baby. She said the feeling of the car (or laundry basket on the dryer) combined with the low voice of Brad Roberts would make me pass right out. I still have a hard time listening to this song in the car at night because it’ll make me feel sleepy.
I adore this song because it is so much fun to listen to and it’s all about doing your damn best. What could be more Satanic than that!? These young men are about to go to war and they’re imagining what they could do to change the world for the better. They want to be the best that they can be. Plus it’s rap! What is more fun than a rap musical about the founding of the United States?
This may seem as if it’s coming out of left field, but I really love this song for how empowering it is. It’s all about how Cardi doesn’t have to be a dancer anymore and gets to live her best life, free of what those who are jealous of her might think. One of my favorite lines is an allusion to the shoes she is wearing which she says are “red bottoms”. Now, I don’t pay a lot of attention to fashion, but I do know that this is referring to Christian Louboutin shoes which have red bottoms and are known to be REALLY EXPENSIVE. Like, $800+ expensive. That’s my rent!
Oh, what a classic, am I right? I love listening to this one because it’s a great song overall. Wonderful beat, fun guitar (obviously), and a really great story! I didn’t really listen to the lyrics at first, instead enjoying the song as a whole. Then I really listened and realized it was even more amazing than I had thought! It’s about this kid who can’t afford to get into a concert and then ends up becoming a rock star through hard work. Can I get a Hail Satan?
Man oh man do I love this song. Please pardon that the video I linked to is a live version, I can’t find one that isn’t, but it’s on the CD in my car so I know it’s out there. I love this song because it’s freaking funny. Another reason I like this song so much is that I know the guys. I was, honestly, expecting that they would be sucky because it seems most people who want to show you their music are actually mediocre, but I ended up loving every song! Fun fact: I was allowed the honor of singing a verse of this song with them a few days ago!
Gotta say, the music video for this song caught me before the actual song because she has damn spiders running all over her. I was amazed and sickened and couldn’t look away. But the song itself is really good. You can tell what the song is about from the title, but I found it really fun to listen to as I was walking around my town because it let me pretend to be in my own movie/music video. Yes, I am laughing at myself right along with you.
I feel powerful when I listen to this song. Yes, this is the first song on the list that would be considered Satanic and also the first band to get me into Satanism. I know Ghost is sometimes considered First Phase, but screw off, I really like driving down the road, singing “HAIL SATAN” at the top of my lungs. I adore a lot of songs by Ghost, but this one is my favorite out of all of them, for sure.
So, this song is interesting because it’s about how high-class people can also be sluts, which I think is wonderful. I don’t think Freddie Mercury is casting this in a negative light, though, as the woman in the song sounds freaking amazing. I like to joke that I’m going to walk down the aisle to this song if I get married one day. Mom doesn’t think that’s very funny.
Damn, what a song. This is another song that used to be a lullaby for me. I would fall asleep when this came on and can sometimes still feel sleepy, just like The Crash Test Dummies song from before. The reason I picked this one over that for the top spot, though, is because I’ve also had some wonderful memories become attached to it as I’ve grown up. I was the only one in my history class to know the song and my teacher thought that I was cheating because I knew what song it was by the first two chords. My favorite memory of this song, though, was when I slow danced to it in a bar. He wasn’t a very good dancer, but I was so happy in that moment and I will carry that feeling with me for the rest of my life.
Well, I hope you liked some of the songs on here and might give a listen to a few that you don’t know! I’d like to say, too, that these are subject to change from day-to-day, just based on my mood and such. I tried to give you a comprehensive list, but I’m sure I missed a few because I’m not in the right mood to even think about them.
So, what are some of your favorite songs, my Darling Devils?
Morning, everyone, and welcome back! I am so glad to be able to pop in and post an update because I have been one busy Witch these last few days! School has started and there is a lot to do for each class since they are online. While I’m doing that, attempting to be a student, I am also teaching, which is a lot of work in itself. I already have myself stretched really thin, so it makes sense that the stress doesn’t end there.
Last month, I had a show open and close. As I have said before on this blog, I am a Freelance Theatrical Lighting Designer, which just means I don’t belong to a specific theatre or troupe. I can pop around from show to show, depending on what kind of show I want to do.
Well, I’ve just come across my first big speed bump. I’ve never had an issue with being paid on time, so I wasn’t too worried when the paycheck I was to receive was late. I was told that I would be paid after my work was done, which would be earlier than the show closes. I’m not needed once the show opens because, well, the design is over.
Weeks go by and I not only do not receive my check, I don’t receive any updates from my producers or directors. When I do ask, people would try to get away from me as soon as possible because they knew they didn’t have the answer that I wanted. It was really pissing me off because I deserve to be at least informed. If you can’t pay me, at least let me know when it’ll happen.
A week after we CLOSE the show, I get a group text from my Producer saying that checks were ready and she just needed us to text her our address. So, I give her my address and wait. Another two weeks I waited before I finally emailed her saying I needed my check. Surprise! Apparently it had been sent back and she just never told me.
Whatever, I just need the money. I’m not the richest person in the world and I was starting to need gas. So, she tells me I have to meet her to get it. I have to meet her at a roller rink 45 minutes away from me because that works best for her. At this point, I’m livid. I have shit to do and that’s a lot of my time taken away.
So, I go. I make the trip to get my money and she’s late. I wait another 30 minutes before I go inside and check to see if she went in and was waiting for me. Nope! She was FUCKING ROLLER SKATING WITH HER KIDS! She had looked at her phone, saw that I said I was waiting and exactly where I was parked, didn’t respond, and went in to just do her own thing.
Well, I was going out later that night so I was already ready and I have to say, I looked FINE. Black skinny jeans, black heels, skin-tight black shirt, grey leather jacket and my necklace from Reverend Campbell. So, that’s what I look like as I storm into this roller rink, pissed to hell, walking towards this woman with fire in my eyes. Once she saw me I got my check real quick. One thing I refused to do was say “thank you”. I was not thankful to her. I was mad.
What really, really pissed me off was that the check wasn’t in an envelope, so I couldn’t even check to see if the address was wrong or check to see why it had gotten sent back. THEN I SAW THE DATE. The date the check had been written was that day. Why? Was the last check bad and she wanted to rewrite a new one? WHY?!?! I think she never sent it. I think I was never going to get paid.
This makes me so, so mad because I value my time. I had been planning on deep-cleaning my apartment, dying my hair more purple, washing my cats, cleaning my car, doing homework, and grading homework. I had shit to do! I miss posting here! But no, I had to waste so much time and energy on getting a fucking check.
Value your time. I wish I hadn’t put myself into a position to be so dependent on this particular check, but the holidays really sucked a lot out of my funds. Next time somebody is behind on paying me, I’ll think of this time and make sure they are bending themselves over backwards to get it to me, not the other way around.
Man oh man, I am excited! New Years Eve is one of my favorite holidays and it is finally here! Now, I know some of you might be saying today isn’t the holiday, tomorrow is, but come on let’s be honest here. Most people are celebrating tonight and spend tomorrow eating and nursing hangovers.
At least, that’s how I’ve always done it. Other people may celebrate differently, but I think I’m in the majority. So, tonight, I’ll be going out with friends and partying until midnight… and probably past that, too.
One thing that a lot of people do, too, is to make promises to themselves in the form of a New Year’s Resolution. I think it’s really funny that people do them for the same reason it’s funny that we celebrate New Years. It’s pointless. Yes, we are going into a brand new year, but all that means is that the Earth has come back around to a random point in its orbit again. It did that April 9th, too, but I was the only one I knew celebrating that date.
All that being said, I love that people make New Years Resolutions. For one thing, it causes them to reflect on the parts of themselves they may want to change and make a plan to change it. It may be going to the gym or being a “better person” or a better student or maybe even smaller and more personal.
I don’t do resolutions because I don’t need an arbitrary date to be self-reflective. I do, though, try to clear my conscience. I want to go into this New Year free of anything that may be weighing me down. This isn’t to say that I’ll be performing a ritual, but I have been going through my life and taking stock. Anything I deem as negative is removed. Some of these things were really difficult because they involved major changes that had an impact on others.
But I feel really good! I thought I was being a “good little Satanist” and living my best life, but I wasn’t. I was living a safe life, within which I had fallen into a comfortable rhythm. I don’t want to go into detail just because it may be too soon to talk about it on my little blog, but I can tell you that I am a better Satanist for having made these changes and that makes me a better overall person.
So, whatever you’re thinking about changing, do it. Fucking do it. If you’re trying to better yourself FOR YOURSELF, then what’s holding you back? I will tell you that I know it will be scary and I know it might be painful, but you have a duty to yourself to get your ass up and make this universe EXACTLY how you want it, because it’s the only one you’ve got and it’s the only chance you’ll get.
Now, time to attack the laundry. I like to go into the New Year with a clean house.
Hey, everyone, how’s it going? I know it’s been a long while since I’ve posted, but man oh man did I need a break. The school I work at went on winter break a while ago, so I’ve been relaxing and trying to get everything in order around the house. Between that and the holidays, as well as some personal issues, I’ve been busy and tired.
But, now, I’m back and it’s almost the New Year! I gotta say, I love New Years Eve. Some people think it’s stupid because it’s a nothing date that, in the grand scheme of things, is meaningless in the universe and resolutions never stick and blah blah blah. Whatever! New Years Eve is fun and exciting! It’s a time to be with friends, drink, dance, remember, and, perhaps, change for the better.
I plan on going out with my friends, myself. For New Years Day, I’ll have sauerkraut because it’s good luck, according to my German family. Whatever, I’ll roll with it. I’m willing to try anything in order to give myself a head start.
One thing I am actively doing to “start the new year off right” is fixing my brain. I say I’m doing it for the “New Year, New Me” saying, but that’s just happenstance and cute. I have some really deep-seeded mental health issues that are buried so far down that I’ve lost what happened to even make everything shitty. What I recently found out, luckily, is that the school I work at provides free therapist services to teachers and jumped on that shit right away!
Since you’re reading this far, you’ve read the title of the blog, so I don’t really have to tell you I’m a Satanist, but I should remind anyone that I don’t believe in a real Satan. Satan is a fictional, external representation of one’s best self, free of Abrahamic laws. That means, when I say “Hail Satan”, I’m really hailing myself. I am the god of my universe. So, if I am god, I must be infallible right?
Fucking no! You’re still a human and humans are broken, meat sacks flying through a universe that doesn’t care. I am of the opinion that mental health is just as important as physical health. Hell, if your mental health is suffering, it can present itself as physical pain. I’ve spoken about their briefly before when I talked about how my anxiety causes me to puke my guts out.
You can’t make your world better if you’re broken. You can’t be your BEST SELF if you hurt yourself or kill yourself or never leave bed or never shower or see people or whatever. Get yourself mentally healthy so that you can go out and conquer the universe.
Some people probably don’t agree with me, and that’s okay, but I know that I feel better after talking to my therapist. Others may think I’m weak for not fixing it myself or whining for posting it here, but I’m not. Sometimes people need to see that others are going through what they feel in order to decide to heal. And I am strong enough to look at myself and say “Yeah, you’re fucked up” and then actually do something to fix it.
So, going into the New Year, I am taking steps to improve myself. I’m excited to see what this “new” journey around the sun has for me and what I’ll do throughout. I’ll do my damnedest to make sure it’s fun as hell.