I Love Easter

My Easter Best

Hey guys, it’s been a while and I’m sorry for the silence. I was really busy with school stuff and FINALLY made it to Spring Break, so I was relaxing. That being said, I did have to go to Easter.

Here’s the thing to know about my family 25% of them are various flavors of Christian; 25% are outright atheist or agnostic; the rest are, as I call them, Fake Christian. We all know and roll our eyes at the Fake Christians when they spend their normal Sundays watching football, nursing hangovers, sleeping in, or letting themselves relax in various ways, never once stepping into a church unless it’s Christmas, Easter or the like. Once and while, some of them might go to church if they’re asked to go by a Real Christian, but they probably wouldn’t go otherwise.

My Dad is a Fake Christian. I spoke about him briefly in my post about gun control. I think my Dad has gone to church 15 times since he moved away from his parents house, whenever that was, though when he first moved to Washington State to be with me, he was very worried about making sure there was a church nearby. Since he’s moved here, he hasn’t gone to church except for, maybe, a wedding… it may have been a funeral, I can’t tell them apart. Same thing with my Grandma, who is an alcoholic. I have a fun family.

Now, I don’t give a shit about this, but it comes up a lot during Christmas and Easter and, if you recall, Easter just passed on by. As a Satanist, I do my best to make the best out of this stupid, confusing holiday. Basically, I love cheap chocolate covered marshmallows for a nasty amount. How cheap? 12 chocolate covered marshmallows for $1.08 after tax. I have three boxes in my freezer right now. Trust me, the cheap ones are the best. Well, these treats are pretty seasonal to Easter so I make sure to tell the Easter Bunny (AKA Mom) that I ONLY want chocolate covered marshmallows. She always delivers.

I also really enjoy hiding eggs from children and watching them find them because they’re struggling and I laugh. Since Easter fell on April 1st this year, my mom filled the eggs with either chocolate, hardboiled eggs, or raw broccoli. We also told the kids that we had hidden an egg with a $20 inside, but that was a lie. It was the best.

So, yes, I love Easter. But, at the same time, I hate Easter. I fucking hate it. So, I do try to protest it in my own little way, as you can tell by the outfit I wore to Easter. I also wore a pentagram necklace, because I do every day.

So, I hate Easter because of the previously mentioned Fake Christians because they make us pray. One time, I was dating a Hardcore Christian (Don’t ask), my Dad asked him to “say a few words” so he stood up, put his hand on my shoulder, and started praying. I was so mad I shook his arm off of me. Dad was upset about that later.

The reason I hate the Fake Christians and their forcing their Fake Christianity on us during Easter is that they don’t practice these beliefs the rest of the time, besides Christmas, and they can’t explain the bunny and eggs to me. Like, I don’t care, but when they get all high and mighty about the holiday they only care about because they want to get into an imaginary place after death and think that their god won’t notice that their fucking liars. ALSO WTF IS THE BUNNY AND THE EGGS? At least the religion you stole it from had them as the symbols of fertility, but unholy shit, none of it makes sense from the Christian standpoint. Well, other than making the pagans conform to Christian values.

But, in the end, I get chocolate covered marshmallows and that makes me happy.

Hail Chocolate Covered Marshmallows and Hail Satan, my Sweet Bunnies.


I Am The Coyote Trapper’s Daughter

Me and my Dad 7 Years Ago

If you look really closely at the above picture, you’ll notice a patch on my Dad’s jacket that says USDA. It may seem strange to think that the USDA has anything to do with guns, but it actually has a Predator Control Program, which you can learn more about here. My Dad was a part of that program for a long time, until my former Stepdad got him fired, but that’s another story for a different day. Basically what they do is they find out where predators such as bears, wolves, coyotes, etc, were killing the livestock of the locals. It’s around here that people start to get all bothered and up in my face about animals rights. That’s when I tell them a story.

One time, when I was visiting my Dad in Wyoming, I was out working with him. It was getting close to the end of the day, which, for us, meant around noon. The last thing we did before going home was gathering the dead animals the coyotes had killed the night before (My Dad worked merely with coyotes but has been called in on many, many other predators). I saw a lamb lying in the grass not far from me and went over to grab it and drag it to the truck. As I reached, his head turned towards me, but he didn’t look at me. He couldn’t. The place where his face should have been had been eaten away until all that was left was a dripping, fleshy cavern.

Gross, I know, and it took me a long time to get over it, but I also stopped crying every time my Dad bagged a coyote. It was his job and he was damn good at it.

Each day I was with him we would rise at 3 am. I would sluggishly put on various layers of camouflage that I could peel off periodically as the sun rose, along with the temperature. We would get in the broken-down, government-issued Ford and head into the wilderness of Wyoming. Above my head, there was always a rack holding 4 guns. I don’t remember what they all were, but my dad still has his .220 swift and 3030. There was also two pistols between the seats, one of which had a built-in silencer and had subsonic rounds.

I would often fall asleep in the truck and wake up when we left the paved roads. Sometimes there were no roads to where we needed to be, so we would create our own. This was a bumpy business and, even as I sit on my couch, I can feel the sting in my sides the constant bouncing caused. Eventually we would get out to the spot where we would be calling and approach low and slow.

Dad and Pal

Then, we would use a small radio-like contraption to use various sounds to bring the coyotes in closer. Once they were close enough, my Dad would shoot them (His longest shot on a moving target is 800 yards; Non-moving is 1000 yards). He would never take a shot unless he knew it would kill it instantly. My Dad’s not interested in torture or pain. He respects the animals, especially coyotes. Then we would check or set traps and snare lines. If we had any animals in the traps, we would remove them and reset. If we had animals we weren’t trying to catch in the traps, we would let them go. My Dad let a mountain lion go once because he was looking for coyotes.

Sometimes we would had dogs that would go out and help draw the coyotes in. Pal was the dog that my dad had the longest, who actually just recently died of old age after going into retirement with my Grandma Patty. They would basically just go and fight them, though Pal always had a hard time focusing when I was around and giving him love.

Basically, this is a really long way of saying I’ve grown up around guns and I know what I’m talking about. With these facts in mind, I want to talk about gun control. I am very, very, very, very for gun control. Hear me out.

I want people to be able to own guns, as long as they are responsible and worthy. Yes, worthy. If every gun owner in the USA was as amazing with guns as my Dad, we would not have a gun violence issue. Sadly, this is not the case.

Here’s my stance on guns… I don’t give a fuck. I think people should be able to own anything from a pistol to a tank.

“But, Lauren, I thought you said you were FOR gun control!”

Well, I am. I think that if you want a gun you should have to pass a basic background check, have to train for a specific amount of hours, and go through a waiting period after you’ve purchased your weapon. I also think that we would benefit from a gun registry, much like we do with cars. Another step, too, should be to require a license to be able to own a weapon and owning said license would indicate that you’ve completed classes and in situ training. Seem crazy? It’s the same as being able to drive a car.

So no, I don’t give a fuck about guns, but what I do care about is lives. I am a teacher, so each time I see another school shooting, I see my classroom. I see my students. I see me, having to decide if I am willing to live or die for these little lives in my protection and I am sick of it. I am sick of people dying and I am sick of children suffering.

When my students participated in the National Student Walk Out, I walked with them. When they called for speeches, I was the only teacher in my school to speak out and tell them that I will do everything in my power to protect them. I mean that, too. If it takes getting rid of all the guns in the USA to end mass shootings, so be it.

I don’t want to hear gunshots in my hallways. I don’t want to cower with my students in a dark closet like we have practiced over and over again, just in case. I don’t want to have an empty desk because one of my kids is now in a cemetery. So, I don’t care what it takes. Change needs to happen and it needs to happen now before I’m in the ground, too.

I am the Coyote Trapper’s Daughter, and I am fucking done.

Hail Satan.


I just watched a BuzzFeed Video.

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The video is called “We Practiced Magic With A Real Witch“.

To be frank, I was not impressed. The first thing I noticed that caused my nose to twitch was the title of the video itself. “A real Witch”… Hmm. “Real”? Later in the video they say that it is a misconception to link Witches to the Satanic, but that’s not quite right. One of the women they feature in the video as one of their “Real” witches is named Laurie Lovekraft. I assume that this is a pseudonym created for her equal love of Lovecraft and Kraft Mac-n-Cheese. This is where I noticed the next thing that bugged me. Under her name, the description banner read “Priestess and Magick Practitioner for 30 years”. Three words into that sentence and those familiar with Satanism, especially regarding Anton LaVey, would be chuckling. If they’re on my wavelength, they’ll be thinking of a very memorable quote from our founder.

“Those who spell Magic with a ‘K’ aren’t” – Anton LaVey.

When I try to think of the best way to describe the difference between the Satanic definition of Magic and “Magick” (Or even alternate definitions of magic) is this: To me, we are causing the magic. Either in our Lesser Magic abilities on a daily basis, or taking all the steps we possibly can in order to achieve out goal that the only possible next step is to perform a ritual and rid ourselves of anxiety in order to focus our energy on more productive activities. In saying this, I also will say that magic has historically been used in place of the name of future scientific discoveries. Gravity was magic. Fire was magic. Childbirth was magic. I mean, it still is, but in a different way. I digress…

My next head tilt came during the section called “Basic Ideology” in which it stated that “Many have an Ethical Code”. MANY?!?!

Covens. Sounds like a bored (and boring) house wives. My coven consists of my cats and my boyfriend. We had a fish but he died recently. (RIP Drogon).

Then they had all these candles and herbs and crystals and oils and food and UGH I’ve been to Catholic Mass and they had less fucking props. I must say that I do see the similarities in the rituals, which is not something that surprised me. If you’re interested in what a Satanic Ritual looks like, I suggest this video. I’ve watched it a few times now and find something new in it each viewing.

The CONE OF POWER made me literally laugh out loud because it seems like something an anime character would shout while striking a suggestive pose. I’m not sure what the CONE OF POWER is for, really, other than powering up your magic in the cone shape (best for magick???). I really don’t get it.

They say the believe in “The Lord and The Lady” and that the Christian version of God isn’t even believed in. As I watched it, I wondered why they would bother to protect themselves from His demons then?

Gotta say, loved the ale and eating portion. I would attend one of these things just for the food and drink. Just as I did with other faiths over the years. I love food.

The end note of HUZZAH made me think of high school biology. (Go Lakewood!!!) This is not a good thing for a ritual.

All in all, everything about this was hilarious. I’ve done rituals a few times now and Satanic Rituals are way more honest and WAY COOLER!

Watch the video and tell me what you think, Hell Raisers.

Hail Satan and Much love