Man oh man, I am excited! New Years Eve is one of my favorite holidays and it is finally here! Now, I know some of you might be saying today isn’t the holiday, tomorrow is, but come on let’s be honest here. Most people are celebrating tonight and spend tomorrow eating and nursing hangovers.
At least, that’s how I’ve always done it. Other people may celebrate differently, but I think I’m in the majority. So, tonight, I’ll be going out with friends and partying until midnight… and probably past that, too.
One thing that a lot of people do, too, is to make promises to themselves in the form of a New Year’s Resolution. I think it’s really funny that people do them for the same reason it’s funny that we celebrate New Years. It’s pointless. Yes, we are going into a brand new year, but all that means is that the Earth has come back around to a random point in its orbit again. It did that April 9th, too, but I was the only one I knew celebrating that date.
All that being said, I love that people make New Years Resolutions. For one thing, it causes them to reflect on the parts of themselves they may want to change and make a plan to change it. It may be going to the gym or being a “better person” or a better student or maybe even smaller and more personal.
I don’t do resolutions because I don’t need an arbitrary date to be self-reflective. I do, though, try to clear my conscience. I want to go into this New Year free of anything that may be weighing me down. This isn’t to say that I’ll be performing a ritual, but I have been going through my life and taking stock. Anything I deem as negative is removed. Some of these things were really difficult because they involved major changes that had an impact on others.
But I feel really good! I thought I was being a “good little Satanist” and living my best life, but I wasn’t. I was living a safe life, within which I had fallen into a comfortable rhythm. I don’t want to go into detail just because it may be too soon to talk about it on my little blog, but I can tell you that I am a better Satanist for having made these changes and that makes me a better overall person.
So, whatever you’re thinking about changing, do it. Fucking do it. If you’re trying to better yourself FOR YOURSELF, then what’s holding you back? I will tell you that I know it will be scary and I know it might be painful, but you have a duty to yourself to get your ass up and make this universe EXACTLY how you want it, because it’s the only one you’ve got and it’s the only chance you’ll get.
Now, time to attack the laundry. I like to go into the New Year with a clean house.
Hey, everyone, how’s it going? I know it’s been a long while since I’ve posted, but man oh man did I need a break. The school I work at went on winter break a while ago, so I’ve been relaxing and trying to get everything in order around the house. Between that and the holidays, as well as some personal issues, I’ve been busy and tired.
But, now, I’m back and it’s almost the New Year! I gotta say, I love New Years Eve. Some people think it’s stupid because it’s a nothing date that, in the grand scheme of things, is meaningless in the universe and resolutions never stick and blah blah blah. Whatever! New Years Eve is fun and exciting! It’s a time to be with friends, drink, dance, remember, and, perhaps, change for the better.
I plan on going out with my friends, myself. For New Years Day, I’ll have sauerkraut because it’s good luck, according to my German family. Whatever, I’ll roll with it. I’m willing to try anything in order to give myself a head start.
One thing I am actively doing to “start the new year off right” is fixing my brain. I say I’m doing it for the “New Year, New Me” saying, but that’s just happenstance and cute. I have some really deep-seeded mental health issues that are buried so far down that I’ve lost what happened to even make everything shitty. What I recently found out, luckily, is that the school I work at provides free therapist services to teachers and jumped on that shit right away!
Since you’re reading this far, you’ve read the title of the blog, so I don’t really have to tell you I’m a Satanist, but I should remind anyone that I don’t believe in a real Satan. Satan is a fictional, external representation of one’s best self, free of Abrahamic laws. That means, when I say “Hail Satan”, I’m really hailing myself. I am the god of my universe. So, if I am god, I must be infallible right?
Fucking no! You’re still a human and humans are broken, meat sacks flying through a universe that doesn’t care. I am of the opinion that mental health is just as important as physical health. Hell, if your mental health is suffering, it can present itself as physical pain. I’ve spoken about their briefly before when I talked about how my anxiety causes me to puke my guts out.
You can’t make your world better if you’re broken. You can’t be your BEST SELF if you hurt yourself or kill yourself or never leave bed or never shower or see people or whatever. Get yourself mentally healthy so that you can go out and conquer the universe.
Some people probably don’t agree with me, and that’s okay, but I know that I feel better after talking to my therapist. Others may think I’m weak for not fixing it myself or whining for posting it here, but I’m not. Sometimes people need to see that others are going through what they feel in order to decide to heal. And I am strong enough to look at myself and say “Yeah, you’re fucked up” and then actually do something to fix it.
So, going into the New Year, I am taking steps to improve myself. I’m excited to see what this “new” journey around the sun has for me and what I’ll do throughout. I’ll do my damnedest to make sure it’s fun as hell.
Hey there, friends, I’m dropping in to say hello! I survived my crazy week and am now operating at my acceptable level of stress. It was a great time, but I didn’t get to talk about my ritual two weekends ago!
A few days ago, somebody asked me to address ritual magic and how I interpret it. I will give my opinion, but I’d like to take the time to mind everybody that, while I am an Active Member of the Church of Satan, I do not speak for the Church of Satan or any of its other members.
So, my friend Colby and I set up everything at his house, but we had to make a few changes to the ritual due to the fact that fire is a danger we were unwilling to risk. Instead, we used water. The necessary candles were used, we just didn’t feel comfortable burning anything in his basement.
I recited the proper words and we went through compassion, destruction, and lust, as we had discussed before going into the chamber. I don’t know why he needed to ritualize, nor did he know my intentions, but I knew enough to formulate a ritual around our needs.
I don’t want to go very far into what the ritual actually looked like, as it is depicted on the Church of Satan’s Youtube, as well in The Satanic Bible. There were candles, robes, music by my boy Hexenkraft, bells, and everything else that goes along with entering the ritual chamber. I will, though, talk about how it made me feel and how I use Ritual Magic.
When I perform a ritual, it’s because I have done everything in the physical world I could possible do to influence my desired outcome. If I, let’s say, had my eye on a guy who I wanted to go out with, I would have used every trick in The Satanic Witch, bringing out the big Lesser Magic “guns” each time I have the opportunity, in order to draw him to me. If I have done all that I, myself, can do, I might decide to perform a ritual. This is a way to take all my strong, emotional, powerful feelings and throw them from my body, towards the object of the ritual, and use that power to also help in reaching my desires.
It also clears my mind, taking a weight off my shoulders, because I feel as though I really have done EVERYTHING. I have covered all of my bases and there would be no reason to stress anymore, meaning that I can move on and put my energy into other creative or professional endeavors. My energy is wasted on worrying about that which I can’t control, and my energy is my power. I don’t want to waste it.
So, after my ritual, I felt lighter than air. I felt dark and powerful and that I could have moved a mountain with just a glance. It was a wonderful, electric feeling that I took with me the rest of the night out with my friends, and man did I have a good time!
That is what ritual means to me, so it might be different for other Satanists. Just like people, no two rituals are the same and asking Reverend Campbell would probably have a different answer than me, so I recommend asking others and, even better, doing your own! There’s no better way to experience a ritual than just doing on yourself.
I hope you liked this little entry and if you have any questions or comments you can email me or comment below and I’ll check them out. Be sure to check out my Youtube videos where I sometimes post instead of on here and follow me on Twitter if you want to really know what’s going on in my brain.
I would like to start this story by saying that I don’t believe in ghosts or demons or anything like that. I need more evidence in order to believe that something other than decay happens to us when we die. Hell, I’m an astrobiology nerd and believe that aliens are real, but I don’t think they’ve visited Earth. The evidence just isn’t there for me.
So, I believe this is a scary story about sleep paralysis. For those who haven’t experienced this, Sleep Paralysis is when your body shifts between waking and sleep in an irregular way, thus they will be awake, but unable to move. Some people say they hallucinate in these moments.
So, that being said, here’s what happened.
A few months ago, I was staying over at my grandparent’s house with my boyfriend. They had us sleep in separate bedrooms, so I took the twin bed so he could have the full. Plus, the twin bed has the misfortune of being right beside my loudly snoring grandma; facing the morning light; fitted with a door that allows a lot of light in; and decorated with two paintings of pale, dead-eyed children.
The biggest issues for me are the morning light and the hall because my room as to be totally dark for me to fall asleep. I also have to leave the door slightly ajar so that my former-foster kitten can get in and sleep with me. The paintings are just creepy as hell, but I’m able to push them out of my mind once Harper, the cat, jumps up with me.
After what felt like a few minutes, my door pushed open. I was facing the wall, so when I looked, I couldn’t see anything other than the tiny blue flowers of the wallpaper. I thought it was my boyfriend, at first, coming in because he couldn’t sleep, just based on how the door had opened so far. I could hear the hinges squeak, so I could hear it had swung wide. Then he didn’t say anything.
Then, I thought, maybe my cat had pushed the door wide open and I braced for the mattress to bounce under her weight. She was a very fat cat and the mattress was small and old. Actually, both were purchased from an insane asylum in Sedro Wolley when it shut down.
She never jumped up. Nothing huge on its own so I closed my eyes to fall asleep, but then I felt something. Nothing touched me, but it felt like something was hovering inches over my body. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t see. I could just lay there and feel. I don’t know how to explain it other than to speak to your experiences. I feel that most people know when somebody is next to them and can understand what I mean when I say that it felt like somebody was bending over me, very near me. The feeling stayed that way for five minutes
Then I heard what I can only describe as a hoof being slowly dragged on concrete. It happened three times Kkkkkkkkkkkr-click, Kkkkkkkkkkkr-click, Kkkkkkkkkkkr-click. The feeling of somebody over me was still there for a few more moments, and then suddenly disappeared. I could move again and I instantly shot up and towards the door, trying to see anything.
All I saw was the door wide open and the top of the stairs.
Again, I don’t think something was actually there, I 100% think I was imagining everything. But, wow, what an imagination I have! It was able to scare the crap out of me, to the point where I’m still thinking about it. I’m not scared anymore, but it was damn scary in the night.
I ended up going in and sleeping with my boyfriend for the rest of the night.
So, that’s my scary story. Nothing supernatural, but still contains the same, great fright!
Hey guys, this was supposed to go up yesterday, but apparently I missed the button so you get it today. So, all this happened yesterday and I don’t want to go back to fix all the tense issues. Cool? Cool.
I went for a walk today. The bitter fall breeze bit my cheeks until they were cherries and Feel Like Making Love rang through my headphones, overpowering the lonely sound of my sneakers crunching through fallen leaves. Through the trees that line the trail, I watched various sea birds bob up and down on the Puget Sound, scuttling past sailboats named Freedom and Seas the Day.
The forest trail gave way to a park dotted with people and their dogs. I watched the shivering owners desperately wrap themselves tighter in their coats and shove their throwing hand frantically back into their jeans pocket after tossing their dog’s slobbery tennis ball. A few held coffee from down the street. One man stood in the center of a large patch of grass, a mirror ball gliding over his fingers in a manner that suggested years of practicing in his room had given him the idea that people would gather around and watch. Nobody had yet.
The park morphed into walkways that spanned the small inlets of water that scooped into the earth. A woman wearing a cranberry hijab stopped me and pointed towards deeper water where two black lumps were rolling through the waves. Sea Otters. I watched them for a moment, listening to the woman murmur to her husband about how cute the little creatures were.
As I walked on, my small Sigil of Baphomet necklace tapped rhythmically against my chest. I thought again of the sailboat named Freedom as I passed the small groupings of flags fluttering at half-staff, and I was grateful. I thought of the other places in the world where a woman would never walk alone and I was grateful. The tapping of Baphomet upon my chest reminded me that I am very lucky to live in a world where I am free to be whatever religion I choose, no matter how evil those may assume it is. I thought, naturally, of the military and all they’ve done, since the birth of the nation, to protect my right to be myself, and I was grateful.
Then I thought of the veterans in my life. My great-grandfather was one of the first responders to Pearl Harbor and once told me of seeing the smoke on the horizon, his heart turning the same acrid color. As I began to feel pride, a wave of anger washed through my arms and down into my fingertips. My great-grandpa was not, is not, an honorable man, nor should he be celebrated.
My great-grandpa should not be celebrated. He was cruel to his family and created rifts within the family that won’t be healed for generations. He abused his family. He threw unwanted kittens into rivers rather than fix his cat, first allowing his children to play with them. He was, and still is, a manipulative, horrible man.
I passed a group of runners going the other way. A few of them nodded at me while others stared straight forward, as if I weren’t there. I realized, then, what I was thankful for were the individuals who went into the military. They want to protect what the country stands for, which means fighting for things you may not believe in. I’m thankful for them and I gladly thank them.
What I refuse to do is blindly thank veterans. I’m sure this is where people will start to get irritated with me, but that’s okay. I understand that there are evil people in the military who have still given so much. I, too, understand people in the armed forces have raped and murdered their fellow servicemen. Am I supposed to thank them? I don’t think so and I won’t. A person can be part of a greater good and throw kittens into rivers.
The bitter fall breeze halted and my cherry cheeks grew hot as I stepped into my house from the cold. My cats ran up to greet me and I ran my hand along their tails, warming my fingertips on their heads. I knew I was glad for the good men and women who were protecting me, even though they didn’t know me or agree with me. In the end, there is more good than bad. I just wish we could do better.
So, on this Veterans Day, thank you for all you’ve done.
As I was scrolling through Twitter yesterday, a term caught my eye. “Homo Satanist”. As somebody who is part of the LGBTQ+ community, I began to feel myself prickle, preparing for rage. I was pleasantly surprised that it was actually a title of a book, as well as the title somebody had chosen for themselves. I was curious, so I dove a little deeper.
Fred Andersson is the an author and, while not a member of the Church of Satan, feels very connected to Satanism and the philosophy of Anton LaVey. So, I decided to send over some questions to get to know Fred a little better in this edition of
Please give a round of applause to our latest victim Fred Andersson
1) What is your relationship to Satanism and the Church of Satan?
I’m not a member of CoS, but I feel very connected to their philosophy and LaVey is a role model of some sorts, even if I don’t agree with him in everything. But that’s also the great part of CoS and Satanism; we’re all true individuals and respect each other. I’ve always, since I was a kid in a Christian community, had similar ideas and ways of looking at life as CoS, but it took me some time to understand the value in this. When a friend years ago told me I really need to read The Satanic Bible I bought it, read it, found it fun and interesting but it didn’t leave a big mark. Maybe I year later I picked it up and read it again, and some things spoke to me even more. And this happened every year or so until I finally “got it”. LaVey himself I’ve always found interesting and witty and I understand what he was trying – and succeeded – to do.
2) What does being part of the LQBTQA+ community and being a Satanist have in common?
I found out that may inside the community either sees themselves as Satanists or at least have the same philosophy, and I love this. I believe that Satanism, and maybe more specifically CoS, is the perfect thing or LGBTQ+ people, as we’re embracing ourselves, our sexuality, we breaking free from norms to live the lives WE want to live. Some Christians blame us gays for being egocentric – and I say YES to that, because we dare to do it. We’re not tied down by guilt and Christian moral rules; we live as we want.
3) Where would you take Charlie Chaplin on a date in the year 1994?
I would probably take him to an old wax museum in Sweden, now bankrupt since many years back, where they had THE worst very wax figure of him ever made. I think he would have appreciated it for some reason.
4) How do you celebrate Halloween?
The thing is, Sweden isn’t much of a Halloween country. The tradition itself have been growing over the years, but it’s not the same as in the United States. I usually try to watch one of the Halloween films, this time it was my hold favorite Halloween III: Season of the Witch. That one sets the mood very well!
5) Tell me the story behind Homo Satanist. How did you come up with the name/title/term?
It kinda just came to me while thinking about who I am. I usually just introduce myself as Fred, because Fred for me is everything I am – but if I’m not Fred then I’m not a homo sapiens like my fellow humans… and suddenly it struck me; I am Homo Satanist, a man of Satan. That felt so comfortable I decided to build a concept around it, and that’s one of the things that lead to the book.
6) What’s your favorite movie and why?
Difficult to say! In my personal collection of films, physical media, I have over 7000 titles! But If I must chose one I’ll chose Stanley Kubrick’s Eyes Wide Shut, a film which triggers both my fascination for the occult, rituals, sex and individualism. I love it so much I might one day write a book about it – and the novel it’s based upon and the 60’s Austrian TV-movie based on the same source. I always find something new in it and it still, to this day, have some of the best writing I’ve ever seen in a film.
7) Is there a story that you weren’t able to fit into your book that you’d like to tell?
Oh sure, but most of them deals with what’s legal in Sweden or not – and when some things still are not legalized or accepted it’s a bit difficult to talk about it without being branded a criminal. It’s not that I’m especially active in this area, but the idea of banning certain substances is primitive and goes against my whole idea of individualism.
8) What do you do when you’re bored? or Do you get bored?
I rarely get bored nowadays, but if that happens I usually watch the most depressing film I have available. It makes me appreciate my own life a lot more and triggers my emotions in very stimulating way. I also have a tendency to shop a lot of expensive books when I’m bored, which is both good and bad.
9) THE ZOMBIES ARE COMING! Quick, what in your house do you grab and why?
I suppose the cats have already escaped, so that means I’ll grab water and warm clothes. Because I bet I’ll need to hide in the woods for a while until it’s all over!
10) Do you have any other creative projects you’re working on?
I’m currently finishing the editing of a short story collection, which I hope will be published in two-three months, but it’s written in Sweden. I’m also halfway through something we can call Homo Satanist 2 and one book about chaos magic, or maybe more an inspiration to use magical thinking in everyday life.
I love that in order to get over being bored, you watch a sad movie. That’s wonderful. Thank you, Fred, for taking the time to answer my silly questions and I hope your book does very well!
And thank you all for coming back and reading, I really love doing these interviews and you guys make it worth my time!
When people think of Washington State, they think of mountains, evergreen trees, and rain. While all of these things are true, Washington has a dark side. We are the state with the highest rates of suicide and depression. Rates of diagnosis for depression are on the rise, here, too. Most of these come from Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD, which is another name for Seasonal Depression, and describes a time every year that depression arises.
I love living in Washington State. It’s full of color and beauty in ways you’ll never see in other states. We have desert, rainforest, plains, mountains, and pretty much every biome of which you can think. Last summer, I had breakfast by a river; lunch by a glacier lake; and a sunset dinner on the beach with my toes in the sand. It’s an amazing places to live, but can be trying.
My family is riddled with Clinical Depression, also known as Major Depression. It’s different from Seasonal Depression because it is constant and, while we have good days, it isn’t something that goes away for the majority of the year. Winter and fall do make clinical depression worse for us, though, so there are elements of SAD in that I can handle it most of the year. Then the sun goes away. That’s the biggest issue is that the sun goes away, so I try to take vitamin D3 and eat better (besides the holidays), but it still happens.
There are days where I can function perfectly, but all I can think about is hanging myself. Don’t freak, don’t panic. I don’t need sympathy, I’m just trying to put what I’m trying to say in perspective. I want you to know where my mind is.
The days when I can function perfectly normally an still think about suicide on repeat are considered good days. Bad days are very bad. Bad days may mean I don’t feed myself because a small part of my mind hopes I’ll just starve. It may mean I won’t talk to anybody for weeks, if I can. My anxiety makes it worse, too, by causing me to throw up when I’m stressed so I wake up to a really bad day and I begin to lose weight.
So I have Little Victories. Small things I can do each day to make myself feel less like a failure. Posting here can be a little victory sometimes. Sometimes they’re even smaller, like getting out of bed, doing my makeup, taking a damn shower. Now, I don’t text my mom each time like, “MAMA I AATE TODAY!”. No. But it helps ME get up and actually accomplish the shit I need to get out and do.
I hope that makes sense. Little, personal victories to keep you going are very healthy if you have a mental illness. As somebody with Depression, anxiety, and PTSD, my victories are sometimes very small. I’m not trying to whine or get attention or anything, I just want somebody, anybody, to feel a little better and that they’re not alone.
I hope you all keep yourself well this upcoming rainy season.