I’ve Made a Big Change

Hey folks, how’s it going on this lovely Friday? It’s a little wet and cloudy here in Washington, but that’s okay as it keeps the land green and the tourists away!

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I’d also like to take a moment to say thank you to everybody who has followed the blog or reads it now and again. (Almost 100 followers!) It’s really nice to see people enjoy listening to what I say as I scream it into the void. I like to use this space as a sort of public diary and if anybody reads it and likes it, then that’s all the better. With that in mind, I’d like to tell a story.

I was dating a man for two years. We had moved in together quickly because I was in a bad living situation when we started dating and while it may have been fast, it worked out. Well, the relationship started to degrade. We still loved each other, we just weren’t IN LOVE with each other, if that makes sense. Time went by and I could feel us slowly slipping apart, which hurt because I still really cared about the guy. I didn’t want to lose a close friend, nor did I want to hurt feelings. We were together for two years! We shared everything.

Well, a few weeks ago, I finally decided something needed to be done. I wanted to be kind, so I waited until after the holidays, but I also wanted to start off the year fresh. So, a few days before New Years Eve, I made a nice dinner. My plan was to make a really nice evening so that he wouldn’t feel as if I was being a big dick.

I made steak and purple and yellow potatoes for dinner and cheesecake for dessert. We didn’t really use the dining table that much, so I decided to do it there so that he wouldn’t have to sit at the couch where we normally hang out, thinking about how I had left him. Was I over thinking this? Yeah, probably.

So, we ate dinner and I eventually looked at him and started the conversation I had been playing in my head over and over again. He knew what I was going to say and confessed that it was something he had been considering for a while, too. What a relief! After I knew that, I was totally at ease, and we just ended it without conflict.

I left for a few days so that he could have his space, eventually coming back because I needed stuff. We started talking and hanging out and I realized that our relationship could survive. We could still be friends!

Where we are, the cost of living is super high and moving expenses can be crazy high, especially in a college town. We both started looking for places to live, but we realized there was no way we could afford to live alone, nor did we want to try to find new people to live with. He actually interviewed some potential roommates, but found that they were, well, sub par.

He and I ended up getting drunk one night and just talking. We talked about how we were doing and what we were feeling. We also talked about the living situation and realized that we were totally fine continuing to live together. We have a great apartment and didn’t want to give it up. It’s cheap and close to everything and allows cats. So, we’ve decided to find a happy medium.

We’re going to get separate beds and treat it like a dorm. I know, this may seem strange since we were dating for so long, but it is actually working out really nicely. We watch movies together and do hair and face masks together. We really were best friends more than we were lovers, and now we are having more fun than we ever did when we were dating. Plus, now we’re both single! If he wants to go out on a date, I’ll help him get ready and vacate if he ends up getting lucky.

Maybe it’s odd, but it works for us. I’m glad I was able to date him for a while, but in the end he’s my best friend, and we’re both a lot happier this way. Besides, we’ve discussed that people have needs and causal sex isn’t off the table… It’s not like we haven’t done it before! Wonderful benefits.

I hope you all find what works for you! This weekend I’ll be hitting the clurbs with my cousin, so we’ll see what happens.

Have a great rest of your day, my darling devils.

HS!

LH

 

I Read a Book (2/2)

Hey guys, I know I said I was going to give you my Top 5 favorite books, but I had something more exciting come in! Check it out.

If you have not read the first essay I wrote on a book this author sent me, I would go back and read that first.

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Wow, wow, wow! What a wonderful companion piece to Rascal! If the image above reminds you of the colors of the 70’s, there’s a reason for that. Drawing upon imagery of growing up in that era, the author muses over how these were the golden memories that stick out so starkly against the more common memories shrouded in darkness.

Read this book AFTER Rascal, for sure, as the first will give you a sense of what the author must have gone through, which makes The Corner Store Epiphany so powerful. It’s a story of learning to please yourself as doing what you need to do for yourself FIRST is the key to healing.

The book reminds you that the pleasures of childhood don’t need to be reserved for the early years of your life as they will always make you happy. Don’t miss out on the little joys in life, like a beautiful sunset or a particularly lovely afternoon, because you are trying to do what others tell you what they think you should be doing.

Logospilgrim once again demonstrates a mastery of words and sentence fluency that weaves between the worlds of poetry and prose that pulls you through the book at breakneck speeds.

I highly recommend reading both books in quick succession as to experience the gambit of emotions on display.

Now, join me as we sit down with the author in this edition of…

end of MY rope

Since I love this so much, I’m just going to quote for you what the About the Author section of the book says. It’s perfect.

“Logospilgrim is a writer, a secular humanist, and a gonzo maverick. These days, she writes mostly about joyful secular living and being a happy introverted tomboy. She has a degree in Religious Studies and a large toy collection. Shel;s leaning to play the ukulele, and she can juggle. She loves the 70s, making macrame, and drinking Jack Daniel’s. She’s also known as the Quiet Professor.”

You can learn more about Logospilgrim at Logospilgrim.com.

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Check out this cool cat

1) What is your relationship to the Church of Satan? 

I’ve officially been a member since the start of 2018. Incidentally, it’s been an excellent year for me so far, one of the best years of my life; thus it feels most appropriate that I became a member this year. In my active membership form, which I sent a few weeks ago, I wrote that “Being a member of the Church of Satan is like adorning the banquet table of one’s existence with a sumptuous, buttercream-laden cake (…) [It’s] a manifestation of the reverence I feel for my satanic self: my sweet, unabashed, and superbly devilish self-dedication.”

2) When did you first discover Satanism?

I knew about the existence of Satanism when I was in my late teens. I spent a great deal of time browsing in bookstores, and The Satanic Bible was always available in the Occult or New Age sections. Due to my complex life circumstances back then, I didn’t pick up the book, though I’d been interested in “dark” things since I was a child: horror movies, monsters, the mysterious, and so on. I did finally read The Satanic Bible when I was in my mid-twenties, and its philosophy strongly resonated with me, but it would take many more years before I completely emancipated myself from Judeo-Christian notions that were bound up in affective/relational issues and the legacy of a childhood marked by domestic violence; I wrote about this in my Satan Superstar article, “Golden Idol.” I recently wrote that I’ve never been on the “right side” of anything, and it’s one of the multitude of reasons Satanism suits me as it does. In the opening sequence of Aeon Flux (the animated series), the two main characters have the following exchange:

Trevor Goodchild: Whose side are you on?

Aeon Flux: I take no side.

Trevor Goodchild: You’re skating the edge.

Aeon Flux: I am the edge.

Those last words, “I am the edge,” the state of being unclassifiable, of being your own agent, this is and has always been at the core of my being. It’s been the key to my endurance and survival; it’s thanks to this that I’ve prevailed, over and over, against whatever would have extinguished my flame. I’m now at a point in my life when this flame has never burned brighter, and I have all the means I require to fully satisfy my satanic nature, to exist in accordance with my desires. Being a Satanist is a triumph of my self. One of my favorite aspects of Satanism is its “take bold delight in living your own life, on your terms” stance.

3) What item in your house brings you the most joy?

I’m a passionate collector, and love to display objects that give me pleasure. So many of my treasures bring me joy, it’s difficult to single one of them out! I love vintage toys, especially from the 1970s. My most recent acquisition is a 1975 Weebles tree house, in fantastic shape, a complete set that even includes the box; I managed to snag it for thirty bucks. This collection, to me, is Lesser Magic in action, because of the powerful effect it has on me: the process of acquiring it, and enjoying it, is a reclaiming of my own happiness, a scavenging operation wherein I’ve gone back to the past, extracted from a painful, damaging environment all that gave me joy and enabled me to survive, and in the present time these objects are imbued with added significance. They resonate with my strength and ingenuity, my determination to carve a potent lair, a free-zone for myself in the midst of a world that thrives on uniformity. On the Weebles tree house box, the toy is described as a “secret retreat,” and this is precisely what I learned to create for myself, in the far reaches of my mind, when having one’s place was forbidden. My collection is a statement: I have prevailed, and will continue doing so. To name one favorite item: I have a little vintage Avon snowman necklace hanging near my computer. Its milky-white body, like a moonstone almost, delights me to no end. When a small object like this can give you such pleasure, you are powerful indeed. It reminds me that no one could, no one can ultimately take my joy away; it’s mine, it’s self-generated, and the means I choose for attaining it are uncommon.

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4) Would you rather never have to pay for food again or get $100,000,000 per year for life?

I’d say that the $100,000,000 per annum would provide for all my needs, including dietary ones, quite nicely *laughs*

5) Tell me about your last really good day.

You know, I have really good days just about every week! Anytime I’m in my lair is a really good day. For instance, only last Saturday, another vintage treasure reached my doorstep, a rare Bert and Ernie toy (a soft buggy that looks like the inventive pair fashioned it out of whatever they could find, a garbage can, pieces of wood, old hinges, bits and bobs, rope, and I think this is hilarious, but then I have a predilection for “garbage” and junk toys), and that day I cleaned up the house a little—caring for my lair, making it comfortable, is extremely important to me—then I spent time writing, and later my spouse and I ate juicy hamburgers in our respective Total Environment havens, surrounded by what we love: a perfect day. On a day when I ventured out recently, I went to a small German restaurant to eat Viennese schnitzel with spätzle and sauerkraut (I’d never had proper German food and wanted to eat some because of a story I’m working on) and oh, that was glorious.

6) How do you like to celebrate your birthday?

Basically, I treat myself in the ways I enjoy most. This means a quiet day, because I’m an introvert and love seclusion and tranquility, and I unwrap gifts I got for myself (toys, books, films, music). Never underestimate the joy of unwrapping presents! This year was the first year I officially celebrated my birthday as the most important Satanic holiday of the year, and it was wonderful; it stretched out over a few days. I took glamorous self-portraits to highlight the occasion, savored rich pieces of cake (chocolate with a lot of buttercream), and my partner made me fine meals.

7) How did you come up with the name Logospilgrim?

It was the name I chose for myself back when I was undergoing a vital transformation inside a cocoon of sorts, around fifteen years ago. In the beginning, it had Orthodox connotations, and then, as I laboriously emerged from the now useless shell with my dazzling wings, I kept this name. I love the way it looks and sounds, but I gave it new meaning. I took it back to its roots. “Logos” comes from the Greek lógos—a word, saying, speech, discourse, thought, proportion, ratio, reckoning, akin to légein, to choose, gather, recount, tell over, speak: I’ve always been a communicator, words have always been important to me, especially the written word. “Pilgrim” is most apt as well; I’m a wanderer, but of the mind. As a writer, I spend a lot of time thinking and letting my mind wander. I’m very curious, always eager to perfect my knowledge, to learn about a variety of topics. And there is something deliciously unexpected about being a Satanist with such an incongruous name. “In the beginning was the Logos, and the Logos was with god, and the Logos was god”—I have been in my own company from the start, and I am my god. Lucifer is the true Logos.

8) Do you have any pets?

I have a cherished cat named Potion, which is a tribute to Severus Snape. I love cats because they’re both affectionate and independent. They’re excellent pets for introverts. Potion, like me, doesn’t like commotion or intrusion. He has the perfect calm environment in my home.

9) What kind of laundry detergent do you use?

My partner and I have sensitive skin, so I use a fragrance free detergent. On the other hand, we enjoy scents; a lot of incense is burned in this house, fragrant candles, and I use an oil diffuser on a regular basis. I love rich, earthy perfumes that include scents like vanilla, frankincense and myrrh, clove, spices… I recently got a sample of a perfume called Lavs Unum (worn by two popes), and it’s exquisitely decadent.

10) What is your favorite of the Seven Deadly Sins?

Pride, definitely. One must possess intelligent pride, not counterproductive pride, obviously, but when someone had to deal with abusive situations, emotional vampires, psychological damage, filling one’s chalice to the brim with pride is a fierce and most effective cure. Pride is the foundation of all other “Deadly Sins”—of humanity at its most primal, and at its most sophisticated. Pride is the root of self-preservation; it’s an inner friend that lets us know what’s right for us, what we should pursue, what we should walk away from; if we’re the sort of individuals who are capable of and profit from sound introspection, its instruction heightens our self-awareness. Pride is what connects us to self-respect; it’s a crown, a sword, and a shield; it inspires us to be the utmost of what we can be.

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That’s all today, folks! Take some time to check out these books and I promise my list is coming. I must say it’s REALLY hard to pick only five.

Have a wonderful day, my Darling Devils!

HS!

LH

I Read a Book (Part 1/2)

So, I was sent two books and I was going to cover both in one post, but I just finished the first and I HAVE to talk about it RIGHT NOW.

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Read it. Now.

I loved this book for so, so many reasons and I tried to keep track of it all as I was reading in my little bits of spare time. Unholy crap it is wonderful.

Just a little background: This was sent to me by Logospilgrim, a writer with a degree in Religious Studies, which sounds like a really interesting field. If you want to pick up this book and others, check out her website Logospilgrim.com.

So, to be honest, I went into this blind and couldn’t tell right away if this was fiction or nonfiction. The reason why I thought it might be fiction was because it almost read as if it were an account of an angel of God who had escaped and turned towards Satan. Seriously, it’s really good.

It became clear to me quickly that this was not a work of fiction and then I fell in love with the text in a whole new way. First off, it reads more as Prose Poetry than anything else, which I love because it allows the words to take on new power. In the areas of self-acceptance, the words are pleasing in mouth feel and are sonically kind.  They tend to lean towards the multi-sylballic romantic. When talking about religions and abuse, the words become sharp and hard, living in the short, Anglo-Saxon area of the vocabulary.

The book speaks on behalf in the necessity of the Seven Deadly Sins in life and how allowing yourself to indulge in each is the key to feeling free to be yourself. It blurs the lines between abuse and religions, drawing comparisons between God and a person who is mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive. Also a perfect Alien reference thrown in there, which is great.

The influence of Anton LaVey can’t be denied as one reads through a beautiful account of learning to re-accept and love yourself. If you’re playing with the idea of Satanism or are a Satanist and you’re also dealing with abuse or learning to heal now that you’re free, I recommend this book with all my heart. As I have said in previous posts, I was abused, and I see my story, like I know so many others will, as I read this books. I also see my healing and my path to becoming even more whole.

So, thank you, Logos, for sharing this story with me. I can’t wait to get to the next one. Her Infernal Interview will accompany the next review.

To Vital Existence.

HS!

LH

 

IMPORTANT EDIT: If you are in an abusive relationship or need help of ANY KIND, you can probably find a service on this List of Hotlines. It may be scary or hard, but the first step in these situations are always hard, but the first step needs to happen.

God Failed Me.

I know God isn’t real so the title of this blog might seem a little strange but it is going to make sense in the end. If you watched my recent video with Reverend Campbell you might remember me saying that I had only been a Satanist for about a year and a half now and a Citizen of the Infernal Empire since February 2018.

I’ve been thinking about these answers and figures and I realize that I need to elaborate a little bit. So, I think it’s time to tell you guys a story. It’s a sad story, but it has a happy ending. It’s going to cover a lot of ground, but I promise it won’t be too long.

My parents met in late in 1992 when my Mom was on her way to Dairy Queen and Dad was out driving with his friend. He was in Washington State for the Navy and was out looking for a party when he was blonde hair in a car and thought she might be going to one. Well, when they got to DQ, they met, and it must have been love at first sight because I was born during April 1994. My parents got married not long after finding out Mom was pregnant and not long after I was born my parents moved back to Pennsylvania where my Dad is from.

A year after that, my parents got a divorce. To be totally honest, I don’t know exactly why. Mom has said things like they were too young and were in different places in life and crap like that, but I know better. My Dad was too young to be a Dad and Mom had to step up and do it all. She did just that. My Mom is a bad ass woman and it might be easy to blame the rest of this story on her, but I don’t and if you say something bad about my Mom I will freak out. She’s an amazing woman and everything I hope to be one day.

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Christmas a few years ago

So, Mom and I went back to Washington to be with her side of the family. She worked a lot and my grandma would take care of me or my aunt or family friends. Mom had a few short-term boyfriends who I don’t remember after my Dad, but they never worked out. Then she met a person who we will call Sam.

Mom was with Sam for 17 of my 19 years and Sam is the father of my Half-Sister and Half-Brother. I love those kids so much and am thankful they are here; Don’t forget that during the rest of this story.

Sam abused my Mom and I. After my Sister was born, everything changed with him. He started drinking all night, every night. He drove us to Christmas dinner after drinking a fifth of vodka. He gambled away our money until we got evicted from house after house after house. Mom used to have to take us an hour away to find him because he was too drunk and out of money. One time, when my Dad called, Sam picked up and told him his daughter had two black eyes.

Sam once forced me to pee my pants. He refused to let me use a toilet and then laughed at me and made me clean it up and then worse. Then my sweet little brother was born. Nothing changed. I have internal and external scars from Sam that I will always carry. There were many times when I thought I was going to die and sometimes that was okay.

I have a semi-religious family. They took me to church sometimes, mostly when I was back east, and while I was never a Christian, I did try to reach God. When I was locked in a closet all day, I prayed all day. After a knife cut a deep, red line across my skin, I prayed until the bleeding stopped. I was desperate and alone and I was willing to try anything, so I prayed.

Nothing happened. Nothing changed. My Mom was the one who saved me in the end because she had taken enough. She had been trying to do her best for my little Brother and Sister, but she knew nothing would be good for them if she were dead. I had also finally told her the extend of the abuse I had faced at Sam’s hand. She had no idea.

In the middle of the night one night, we grabbed everything and we left. We took the animals and enough clothing to get us through a week. I went to school though nobody else went to their normal activities because school was a haven for me, even though I had to worked through abuse from me peers there. I worked my ass of and ended up going to college during school because I knew I needed to succeed. That would mean I had won.

Not long after all this, my Mom married my Dad again and they are still married to this day. It was a hard transition for my Sister and Brother, as well as myself, because we were all on edge. I’m still hand-shy. Sam tried his best to break us, though. He got us evicted and lied so my Dad would lose his job. I was, for some reason, followed by the police because of him.

But we are here now and we have all won. I am a teacher and a professional Lighting Designer. My Mom works in the same school district as I do and Dad is a tower crane operator. My sister is going to WSU and my Brother is my student so I can check his grades and he is currently getting all A’s.

Sam works at a casino, which is fine, but also has 3 DUIs and is massively in debt. Well, I think he should have 3 but only has 1 because he wiggled his way out of them.

We won.

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Dad, Me, and Mom on my birthday a year ago

What I am trying to get at here is that I’ve always been a Satanist, even when I was praying in a closet for hours. It madam realize that the only person who can save you is yourself. You can get help from friends and family like I did, but you have to ask and you have to make it known you need help. I kept myself alive and anybody who tries to tell me God helped can kiss my clitoris because it was me; Me and My Mom and my family.

I’m not looking for sympathy or tears here because I’ve had a wonderful life thus far. I’ve traveled the country in 18-wheeler trucks and learned to bowl in Wyoming. The guy who taught me had 3 fingers and that’s all he could do anymore. I’ve seen more stars in the sky than I could even imagine because I was so far out in the middle of nowhere. I taught myself a piece of My Heart Will Go On while in Florida on the edge of a hurricane. I’ve seen Hamilton! I get to be a teacher and be in love with my Best Friend. I get to have a wonderful family who will always love me. I get to live in the most beautiful state in the USA. I’ve traveled in tug boat and have flown in so many airplanes that I can feel us starting our decent before the pilot even announces it.

Yeah, I’ve had a wonderful life. I’ve done a lot already and I’m only 24! I can’t wait to see where I take myself next in life.

Hae a great rest of your Sunday, my Sweet Satanists!

HS!

LH

I Am Beautiful!

Hell, yeah, I’m willing to say it. I’m a pretty person! I don’t mean to sound full of myself, but that’s exactly what this post is going to sound like because it’d about loving yourself, which is taking me a long time to do. Yeah, I’m still in the progress of accepting myself as pretty because I was told for so long that I wasn’t.

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Me, age 17, and Harper

From a very young age, around 6, I was told I was ugly. My former Stepdad was very abusive and always made me feel very low. At the same time, my peers weren’t any kinder. I was growing into my body and didn’t yet fit the image of what was beautiful. I was trying to figure out who I was, how I wanted to present myself, and where I fit into the world. As a woman, this is really hard. I was expected to be smart and funny and sporty and kind and this and that and it was so much pressure. My Mom was the only person who made me feel loved.

My grandma, an alcoholic, once told me I should never have children because I was so bad with kids. Yeah, I was 13. I wasn’t even good with myself yet. These things start to eat at a person and soon I wondered if I was even worth the oxygen I was breathing. I wasn’t pretty enough or smart enough. I couldn’t be a mom. What else is there in the world?

At age 15 I tried to end my life by taking a metric butt-ton of sleeping pills. One they started to take, I regretted everything. My boyfriend’s mom saw that something was very wrong and took me to the hospital. I’m eternally grateful to her since I love the life I have now so much.

My Mom left my former step dad in the middle of the night and that was the best day of my life. I had a new begging. I could be my own person without hate or persecution. After that, I thrived.

I was able to get the help and medication I needed, which gave me the drive to start learning and really taking care of myself. It’s only as of late that I’ve started to think of myself as a pretty person. My love, Dylan, who I’ve spoken about previously, has helped me so much in my journey to love myself. He’s helped me love my flaws because they make me who I am.

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Me now (April 2018)

I’m still working on loving myself entirely because I seem to keep finding things about myself I dislike each day. But each day, I see something else that’s beautiful. I’m not perfect, but that’s what makes me amazing. Self acceptance is an important part of enjoying your life, but Self Appreciation is even more valuable. Appreciate the parts of yourself you find immaculate. I, for one, love my eyes because they’re dark blue, light blue, green, and orange. That’s awesome! But, also learn to appreciate your flaws. For example, I have a huge nose bump, but I love it, because it shows that I have Viking blood and that dope AF.

I love you all, my Infernal Brothers and Sisters, and I hope you do, too.

HS!

LH