This is my “Me Too”

Listen, if this post isn’t something you want to hear about, click away now. I don’t want shitty comments on here because it isn’t productive. So if you’re going to be a twat, find the nearest exit (which may be behind you) and exit the plane.

So, I had a man force himself on me. I know, I’m being very blunt but I don’t want to sugarcoat this in any way.

Two years ago I was on the bus home from University and, as we were rounding a corner, the bus made a really scary sound and everybody’s eyes snapped up. I happened to make eye-contact with a guy we will call Jackson. Jackson had really pretty blue eyes and made a little worried face that made me laugh a bit, so we started talking.

photo of a woman standing inside bus

When the bus stopped, we got off and started walking the same way. Then we kept walking the same way until we were at my apartment door and, as it happened, so was he! Jackson was my across-the-hall neighbor. We spoke a few times and I found out he was a Marine and was a business major. He wasn’t somebody I saw myself with, but I thought he was nice enough.

Not long after meeting, he invited me over to watch Aladdin. Though, we didn’t watch it in the living room because “his neighbors get jealous when he brings women over” so we watched it in his bedroom. Whatever, I understood hiding from my roommates because I, too, had roommates that preferred their privacy.

Well, that’s when he started trying to have sex with me. I said no and it happened anyway. That’s all I’ll say about that. After, I ran home and went to sleep. I think I had a drink and a cigarette before sleeping. I just wanted to go to bed and wake up and move on. Nobody would believe a sailor could do such a thing, right? And girls made stuff up all the time… right? So I was told.

group of solider fall in line

I went to great pains to avoid Jackson and my grades and work suffered. I was often late because I was hiding away. Eventually, I stopped seeing him and figured he had moved out. Later, I met a girl in a Technical Writing class who had been one of his roommates. It turns out he had done the same thing to her that he did to me.

I also found out he had killed himself.

When I googled his name, I found his obituary and real all the loving comments below. I thought about saying something and revealing the monster that had ruined my life but I didn’t. There was no point anymore, was there?

I still don’t trust everybody and I have a hard time with some sexual things, especially near the anniversary. I’ve moved on a lot and I know it’ll be okay later, but the scars are still there.

I’m not asking for sympathy or whatever, I just wanted to tell my story and let those who may be going through this now that you’ll be okay and to urge them to report it. You’ll be okay. I promise.

The thing is, he could have gone somewhere with me if he had been patient.

Have a good Sunday, my Darling Devils.

HS!

LH

This is your Daily Reminder to Sin

The party’s not over… Lauren’s back! *Fist bumps to music*

Hey there, friends, I know I’ve been gone for a long time, but I was coming up with a fun set of essays for you! Also, I was camping, breaking down on the side of the road, staying in a Wal-Mart parking lot for a day and a half, house sitting, cleaning, and generally enjoying my summer.

But now I’m back! So, welcome to the first in a seven-part series where we dive into the Seven Deadly Sins and how they can be interpreted in a Satanic way. Now, I want to again make it clear that I don’t speak for the Church of Satan or any of its other members. These is just what’s going on in my strange brain.

This is your Daily Reminder to Sin

First up to bat is one of my favorite Deadly Sins: Lust!

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From seven sins.com

I’m starting here because it was often considered the least harmful of the deadly sins and it also places us on the path Dante fallows in Inferno, which I highly recommend, it is awesome. There, Lust is described as “excessive love for others” but we also tend to associate lust with the pleasures of the flesh. Lust can also talk about material things such as a lust for money or a lust for fame. Honestly, I don’t know why they bothered with the other sins when it seems Lust can cover them all.

Okay, here’s what up with lust. To have these fleshly desires, one is admitting that they are closer to animal than God, which doesn’t really fit the narrative of The Church. These feelings of Lust, however they manifested, also meant that you put something above God which makes God real jealous so he will send you to hell, I guess. I don’t pretend to know how they believe this stuff, especially since their God is so “loving”. I digress… (Don’t even get me started on unbaptized babies).

So, if you’re loving something more than God and you’re admitting you’re an animal with desires just like any other animal. That flies in the face of every story The Church has to keep their flock coming back, thus they make sinners out of normal, human feelings. If somebody is trying to force you into subservience and is trying to keep themselves in power, it is very easy to control you if you’re already hating yourself.

When you go to confession and tell them about how you had boner for a chick in the market the other day, he’ll tell you to go home and pray on it and say this amount of whatever, but that doesn’t really do anything… right? All it does is waste your time because these are the Deadly Sins… right? Whatever, so now you’re home and you sit there praying and wasting your time and then do it all over again because you can always go back and confess again and you will because you’re scared. You’re scared to go to hell.

*Satanists, roll your eyes here*

How awful it must be to live in this fear of yourself. First of all, I don’t have an issue with putting God first because that’s me, I am my own God. That alone sends me WAY into the depths of hell, anyway, so fuck it with the rest, am I right?

But why shouldn’t I allow myself the pleasures of the flesh? They’re fun and it’s a totally natural feeling. Satanists know that we are just human animals and that’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with lusting after people as long as you’re not a dick about it. (Lauren’s Rule #1: Don’t be a dick about it)

Lusting after wealth and such can be good, too, but you can’t let it ruin your life. As long as I am considering myself God, then yeah don’t put anything before god… as long as god is you because self-preservation is the highest law. But if what I lust for is a nicer car, I have to work to get that nicer car and that lust is a motivator.

Again, nothing should take over your life. Satanists practice Indulgence not Compulsion, which can include working too hard or wanting after something too much. It’s not good for people obsess to the point of addiction.

So, go forth and lust after whatever! As long as all you’re doing is bettering yourself or your situation, there can be no harm in lusting.

That’s all for the day, kids! I need to eat something.

HS!

LH

Here’s my “Interview With The Hampire”

First things first. I did not create the title. My current interview victim did.

I was going to save this one for tomorrow, but since this morning’s post was, uh, interesting, I decided to end today on a really positive note. I’ve been doing these interviews with people who are members of the Church of Satan and while they have been so much fun, I also have a selfish reason for doing them. It helps me learn.

I’m a Baby Satanist. I’ve only been calling myself a Satanist for a year and a half now and became a Member of the Church of Satan just a few months ago. Right now, I’m still, and will always be, studying and attempting to learn. I know what I think Satanism is about, but no two Satanists are alike, which means I have a lot to learn.

That being said, here is our newest victim in what will hopefully be a long line of interviews. I proudly present: *Trumpet Sounds*

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“Politically Incorrect Curmudgeon” – His own damn twitter

Church of Satan Warlock Robert Leuthold

Sit back, turn down the lights, and enjoy…

1) Why did Satanism appeal to you before you joined the Church of Satan? 

I read a King Diamond interview way back in ’97 and got the Satanic Bible (my first copy of many) shortly afterwards.  I was all of seventeen, so I went right into First Phase, with the expected disastrous results.

I read the book again in my mid-twenties, with a lot more maturity and life experience,  It all made sense, and I saw myself reflected in the Satanic Bible.  Little did my Catholic Mom know she raised me as one.

2) Which of the 11 Satanic Rules of the Earth speaks to you the most?
With the social climate of late, I’d say “Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal” Consent is key.  Satanists are supposed to be the highest embodiment of human life, after all.  You can’t project that while being a creeper who ignores consent.
3) Is there a misconception people have about disabilities that you’d like to clear up?

Just one?

Well, there are a few.  First and foremost, bluntly:

There’s a pretty big misconception that the wheelchair somehow affects my dick, it doesn’t (once you go gimp, you walk with a limp, after all).

Second, some Satanists misconstrue the concept of Might Is Right, and somehow think that my disability somehow makes me unfit to be a Satanist.  That logic is as lame as my legs. (You made me snort laughing)

 

4) If there was a Spaceship in the sky about to fire the lasers, what would you do? 
Join the aliens and pick out targets.  First?  Justin Bieber.
5) What about Satanism would you like Non-Satanists to understand? 
Non-Satanists never will, it’s like kicking water uphill, or trying to make me ballroom dance.  Aside from the obvious atheism, and that the statue guys aren’t us?  That Satanists aren’t drug addled illiterate metal heads that sacrifice animals.
6) Are you working on any projects right now? 
7) What in your life are you the most proud of?

Surviving until 40, since I was born prematurely and not expected to live the night.

I’ve seen, and befriended bands I’m a fan of (M Gira of Swans, Mayhem, and rotting Christ to name a few.  Attending year 50 two years ago was a massive high point, too. (Jealous)

 

8) If you could only eat one dessert for the rest of your life, what would it be? 
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.
9) Do you have a favorite genre of book to read? 
Graphic Novels.  I’m that rare breed that likes Marvel and DC.
10) Define Satan. 
Satan is symbolic of the human animal’s carnal nature and rebellious spirit.  Not some being to be worshipped or groveled to, but an archetype to aspire to.
I hope you found reading these answers as fun as I did! There’s nothing I love more than somebody who not only answers a question thoughtfully, but also funnily.
If you’d like to know more about our wonderful Warlock, check out The Metal Grotto, or you can follow Robert on Twitter, Here.
If you are a Member of the Church of Satan and would like to also be interviewed, just shoot me an email at L.hipp94@gmail.com (You can’t hide from me forever, Gilmore)
Have a Fantastic day, Little Lucifers! I love you all!
HS!
LH

I’m a Satanic Witch

No, not the kind of Witch with warts and a long nose who throws newt’s eyes into bubbling cauldrons to make potions that make me immortal. Nor do I lure little children away into the night to suck away their life force to make myself beautiful. No, I am something much more powerful. I am a Satanic Witch.

I would like to make it clear that I am not (yet) a Second Degree Active Member of the Church of Satan, which means a person has moved up from Member to Active Member to Witch/Warlock. There are other levels to the Hierarchy that you can find on the Church of Satan’s website, but I’m not going to touch on those during this post.

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The Satanic Witch and I!

 

For this post is all about Satanic Witches and what I feel it means to be a Satanic Witch. I highly recommend reading The Satanic Witch if you haven’t already because it is a really great guide to figuring out if you even are a Satanic Witch, what kind of Satanic Witch you are, and what the hell that means.

I find myself falling into two different types of Satanic Witches. I am both pretty and an old grandma. I know it seems a little oxymoronic, but that’s who I am. Let me explain a little further.

I like to bake. I really love making sweet baked goods for people, as well as big meals if I have the space to host. I love to feed people and send them home with enough leftovers to fill their bellies for days to come. I am only 24 years old, but my friends will sometimes call me Grandma Lauren because I like to watch Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy, hang out with my cats, cook, bake, and (if my insomnia allows) get to bed before 10.

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My Chocolate Cake

I am also a beautiful. I am! It’s taken me a long time to realize this and call myself beautiful, but it’s part of what makes me a Satanic Witch. I am able to use these eyes and hips to draw people in and help get what I want. This is not to say that I am luring men into the shadows to kill them by flashing them a glimpse of my ankle. Not at all. But, if my pretty smile helps me get a job over a different candidate, you damn well know I’m going to be flashing them these pearly whites throughout the entire interview! Know what you’ve got and make it work for you. With that in mind, let us begin talking about…

Lesser Magic: What I find the most interesting about Lesser Magic is the fact that it is called “Lesser”. I understand that it means the difference between ritual-induced universal influence VS flirting… Lesser magic is literally how you sell yourself. I’m a pretty baker so when I need something I can flutter my lashes and offer a cookie to get what I need. (They’re homemade and I only use Amish butter so there’s a lot of flavor from that fat…. yum!) I digress.

I honestly think that Lesser Magic is the most powerful magic available to the Satanic Witch because we have the ability to use it on the daily. This can also happen over messages, too, if you are, like me, better with the written word than with spoken word. To be fair, I am good at poetry, but you know what I mean. Lesser Magic is known as manipulative  or Non-ritual magic. Then, there is something we use that is called…

Greater Magic: Greater Magic is ritual magic. This is the kind of magic that will cause people to point and scream “BLACK MAGIC” or “DEVIL WORSHIP” and crap like that. That’s bullshit. First off, there’s no such thing as black magic or white magic, there are only delusional people who trick themselves into thinking that they aren’t performing a ritual for selfish reasons. BREAKING NEWS: Everything you do is selfish so just learn to deal with it.

Greater Magic must take place during a ritual. If you haven’t done a ritual yet, I highly recommend it because it made me feel so calm afterwards. Basically, a ritual is done if a Satanist has done everything possible to influence the world physically. Let me give an example. Last year I was interviewed for a job and I went in and did really well and filled out what they wanted me to fill out and graduated college so I could start working right away and then… I waited. I waited and waited and waited and the weight of the waiting was so heavy that I found that all I could do was sit there and wonder if they were going to call me. That’s no way to live! I was wasting my time!

So, I performed a compassion ritual with two of my Satanist friends so that I might sway the mind’s of those thinking of hiring me. I left the ritual finally feeling like I had done everything possible! The choice was far out of my hands and all I could do was hope that my curse would work.

It did! Two days later I got a call and had been hired as a Drama Teacher! 23 years old and straight out of college! Now, I’m not saying that magic is real like in Harry Potter. As cool as that would be, I just don’t buy it. BUT I do believe that Magic is real.

Magic, to me, is very small. Unless we go into the ritual chamber, magic comes to us in the form of being able to make the best box cake anybody has ever tasted. Maybe its finding a full bottle of alcohol on the side of the road one day. Maybe it’s something scientific we just don’t have a name for yet. Hell, we barely understand Gravity.

During a recent interview with a Witch of the Church of Satan, I asked her a quick follow-up question and I basically got the answer I expected.

How do you think being a Satanic Witch differs from being a Satanic Warlock?

“My first impulse is to say that Witches have Vaginas and Warlocks have penises,  but even that rule has exceptions. There’s certainly no different standard for one over the other. When I try to imagine what I would be like as a warlock, the only difference of any significance is that I would have different secondary sexual characteristics. But they would be really significant! I mean, my cock, it would be monstrously huge!” -Heidee Nytes

(If you’d like to read more of that interview, click here).

Damn, I love Satanists.

If you would like to know more about what it means to be a Satanist or a Satanic Witch, I would take a look at a podcast that I listen to. She hasn’t posted since March, but I promise that Confessions of a Wicked Witch with Magistra Ygraine because she is so brilliant. Her voice is very soothing to me so I like to just listen to calm down every now and then. Another fun part of the podcast is the Wicked Witch of the Year Award. This is pretty straight forward, but if you would like to know more, please go listen to the podcast. It’s so good, as are all of the hosts and shows on Radio Free Satan.

Well, I hope you have a Devilish Day my Dark Darlings!

HS!

LH

It’s Time For… THE Talk

Oh, yes, my Satanic Sweethearts, it’s time to talk about the birds and the bees… the horizontal tango… the, um… sex. Yeah, I’m here today to talk to you about the sex. It’s a personal topic for some and just a water-cooler discussion for others. Everybody’s relationship to sex is different and will change depending on upbringing, religious beliefs, socio-economic status, and more.

I’m here today to talk to you about the Satanic view of sex. I will pos be including an interview I conducted with a woman Heidee Nytes who works in the adult film industry for an inside look into the mind of somebody who has made a lucrative perfusion of acts that make the meek blush. But first, MY Satanic perspective on sex.

Again I would like to reiterate that while I am a MEMBER of the Church of Satan, I am not an Active Member (Yet) and do not act as a spokesperson for the Church of Satan and do not speak for it or other members!

Okay, here it goes: I don’t give a fuck what you do in the bedroom. I don’t. Honestly, I’m not sure why anybody cares about what anybody else does in their lair during intimate moments. Well, as long as everybody is of age, has the ability to consent, and has already consented. Now, the wording here is designed to be careful.

First off, everybody has to be of age. To me, that means 18. I know the “age of consent” is different from state to state, but come on, have you met teenagers? I have and I don’t see why anybody would want to hang out with any of them for an extended period of time, let alone engage in a sexual relationship. Next, everybody must have the ability to consent. That means animals can’t consent and babies can’t consent and drunk/drugged people can’t consent and people with disabilities can’t consent. If somebody can’t consent, you can’t get on with the nasty. Lastly, everybody has to consent. Seriously this is so important. YOU don’t want to be accused of rape, do you? Then who cares if “the mood” is ruined because you have to look a person in the eyes and make sure they want you like you want them. It’s just safe that way.

After all that, I don’t care who or what you do or how often or with what or how many. I don’t. You know why? Because it doesn’t matter to me. I don’t wake up in a cold sweat each night every time a man goes to bed with another man or a group decides to have a threesome. I just don’t care. I don’t care if you like to lick feet or having cherries in a woman’s nose turns you on.

BUT, I do want you to be able to get your rocks off. Everybody has the right to enjoy what they enjoy, no matter how off-broadway those desires may be. A person who has a hand in making sure that people get what they want is Heidee Nytes. Heidee works with David Harris, a Magister of the Church of Satan and producer of custom adult films, which I’ve spoken about in detail in a pervious blog post.

I wanted to ask her a few questions so that we might get some insight into a profession most of us are willing to watch, enjoy, and then demonize because Christian values have made us thing that we should be ashamed of the pleasures of the flesh.

So, without further ado, our wonderful Heidee Nytes!

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From ‘Nadia and the Therapist’, Photo taken from AVN.com

1- What is your official job title?

I have so many “jobs!” As Heather Height I am a stand up comedian a freelance journalist and writer, a film producer, a wife and a mom.
As Heidee Nytes I’m a fetish model and a Pro Domme.
I guess my most “official” job title is VP of Dave’s Custom Media: Davescustommedia.com
2- What is your relationship to Satanism?
I am an active member in The Church of Satan where I have earned my other most official title of Witch Heather Height.
3- Do you have any misconceptions about the field you work in that you would like to clear up?
As far as stand-up:
1. There is not one element of comedy that some drunk know-it-all audience member can elucidate for any comic before, during or after the show.
2. No, drunk girl in the front row, you are not “helping.”
3. It is not the comedians job to care about your feelings, that’s why it’s not called a stand-up compassion show.
In regards to fetish modeling and being a Domme:
1. I don’t do blow jobs, I make subs blow other people.
2. Yes, I love what I do, but I also like to get paid for doing it. This is my work, don’t try to get me to Domme you for free. (This happens more than you would think.) Some guy wants me to write him an email explaining what I would do to him, that takes time. He’s basically asking me to write a short erotica for him for free. To quote Goodfellas, “Fuck you, pay me!”
4- If you had a pet panda what would you name it?
Lao Tzu Flufferbottoms
5- What’s your favorite drink to have when you go out with friends?
I change it up from time to time, usually between gin and tonic, Bloody Mary’s or margaritas.
6- Have you ever had to deal with a stalker-like situation?
I may have had stalkers, but I either befriended them or blocked them. So it hasn’t been a problem as of yet.
7- What are you most proud of?
Jeepers, I have a lot of things that I’m proud of pretty equally, assuming you’re referring to accomplishments. I have set many goals in my life and accomplished them. (I try to keep that in mind when I’m feeling shitty about the ones I don’t accomplish.) Before I became a writer and comedian I ran the first corporate massage business in NE Pennsylvania. I will always be proud of that. Not long after becoming a writer I had several articles published in Forum Magazine without ever going to school for Journalism. The very first fetish film I did I ended up staring in and it was nominated for an XBiz award, that was pretty cool. I think the most recent thing was two things that are closely associated in my mind; I did a spread for Old Nick Magazine at the age of 45 and served as a nude altar for the 50 year celebration of the founding of The Church of Satan at 46. I’m damn proud if that!
8- Tell me about your most recent project.
My most recent completed project is our first full length adult film, Nadia and the Therapist.
It’s really been like my baby. I wrote the treatment and the screenplay. I did the set design and helped with the casting, I also costarred as the therapist. We shot the whole thing in one grueling 12 hour day! Our star, Nadia White, wasn’t feeling well all day, she did an amazing job! My husband, Magister David Harris, shot and directed with the help of our friend Wilfredo who runs Evangelinevonwinter.com with his wife. David did all the editing and got it up on our clips4sale store,  (available for purchase here:
And today, just 5 months after shooting, Nadia and the Therapist was on the front page of AVN.com!
You can read the write-up here:
9- If you could only read one thing forever what would it be?
The internet. (The author should have seen that coming)
Seriously, though, if I had to pick one book? Stranger Than Fiction by Chuck Palahniuk.
10- If you only had three wishes what would they be? 
Well, in all honesty,  I would go the pragmatic route and wish for infinite wishes. But in the interest of the insight that these questions are supposed to highlight:
1 That my husband and I were immortal so we could be in love forever.
2 That I could take back all the dumb parenting mistakes I made.
3 That our little Mom & Pop fetish film company grows into the porn empire that we dreamed it would one day be.
Unholy cow, guys, that was so much fun! I count myself as #blessed (ha) that members of The Church of Satan have been willing to answer my silly questions, as well as my more important questions. I hope you all really enjoyed reading these and I hope more Church of Satan members step up to the batter’s box.
Keep on enjoying life, my Friends of the Infernal Flame!
HS!
LH

I Got to Interview a Magister of The Church of Satan!

Seriously, you guys, I am so excited! While this wasn’t an in-person interview, I am so Honored that Magister David Harris was willing to give up time out of his day to answer some questions we had.

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Magister David Harris from Church of Satan Website

According to David’s Twitter account, which you can find here, he is not only a Magister of The Church of Satan, but also a “smut peddler and occasional comedian”. You can also follow his podcast, Sex, Songs, Sinema, & Satanism with David Harris, on Stitcher where he discusses topics such as Slenderman, interview first-time fetish models and members of the Church of Satan, and so much more.

David, along with his wife, runs an east-coast based production studio that specializes “in creating custom fetish and erotic films for clients seeking a more personalized content viewing experience”. His website, Dave’s Custom Media, goes on to explain that they are there for all kinds of interests and desires, which is pretty dang cool if you’re into something that may not have a wide array of options or if you’re looking for something specific. Potential customers can search videos, check out photos, look through models, and email a request to David to find out pricing.

REMINDER: These questions have been carefully selected to dig deep into David’s brain so we might discover the demonic diamonds hidden within.

1) What attracted you to the Church of Satan?
The notion that I, and I alone, have more ability than anyone else, to affect positive change in my life. The idea that I am my own god is probably what made Satanism most appealing to me.

2) What kind of projects are you working on right now?
Right now, I’m focused on promoting Dave’s Custom Media’s 1st full-length film, “Nadia & The Therapist.” It’s a light-hearted fetish comedy/adult film starring Nadia White, Heidee Nytes, & Autumn Bodell, that tries to invoke the spirit of the classic era of pornography.  Back when adult films had storylines.   I actually enjoyed knowing why the folks in porn were doing what they were doing, and I’m learning that I’m not alone in that.  Incidentally, anyone that’s interested can see the trailer and buy the movie at my website, www.davescustommedia.com.

I’m also focusing on the “custom” portion of Dave’s Custom Media.  We produce custom erotic & fetish videos for folks that have a particular thing they’d like to see.  Even with all of the free porn out there, it can be hard to find that perfect scene that really gets you going.  You can contact us and let us know what you want to see, and for a fee we can shoot it for you.  Depending on what you specifically want to see, videos can run you as little as $100, or well into the thousands.

3) What about Satanism would you like Non-Satanists to know most?
Beyond the usual notion that Satanists are atheists, and not people who worship the Christian devil, I’d like people to know that no two Satanists are alike.  Satanism is very much a religion for the individual, and everyone has their personal view of the world that they filter through Satanism.  And so long as that view adheres to the philosophy outlined by Anton LaVey, those individuals can be said to be leading a Satanic life.

4) What is your favorite kind of music?
Ten years ago, I would have said metal, hands down.  But I’ve mellowed as I’ve reached middle age.  Many of my favorite bands are still metal bands, but I’ve grown deep passions for a lot of different genres, from disco, to folk music, to 70s singer/songwriters, to electronic & industrial music.  I don’t feel as though there’s a definitive answer to that question anymore.

5) What is your movie about?
Nadia & The Therapist is about a girl named Nadia (played by Nadia White,) who seeks the council of a psychotherapist, (played by Heidee Nytes.)  Nadia’s wedding is approaching, but she doesn’t feel as though she can tell her husband-to-be about certain sexual needs that she has.  She confides in Dr. Nytes stories of her experimenting with self-bondage, being forced to orgasm while bound, as well as the trials and tribulations of BDSM dating, which can often lead to some awkwardly funny situations involving flogging, spanking, and more.

6) What is your third favorite lizard?
The Draco.  Gotta love a flying lizard.

7) How do you celebrate your birthday?
My mood on that varies from year to year.  I turned 40 this past year, and we had a big disco celebration capped off with a midnight nude swim in the ocean.  There have been other years when a quiet dinner was all I wanted.  My wife is amazingly in tune with how I want to celebrate my birthday, and always knows what to plan.

8) Which of the 11 Satanic Rules of the Earth speaks to you the most?
Lately, I’ve been big on #5: “Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal.” I think straight men today, thanks largely in part to the media, have become more and more uncomfortable with talking to women.  They’ve forgotten how to initiate a conversation, and they’ve forgotten how to read body language. You’re certainly not gonna get her to go home with you if you just stand across the room and stare like a creep.  You actually have to start a conversation, and from there, read the situation.
But I also think that the alleged “war on men” that you see being portrayed in the media is not real.  It’s very much been manufactured by folks who have a vested interest in the suppression of female sexuality.  Here’s a hot tip, fellas: straight women WANT to talk to men.  They WANT to flirt with men. And yes, they even WANT to sleep with men.  You just have to treat them like people.  Listen to them, and make them comfortable in their decision to do so.

9) What have you done in your life that you are most proud of?
I ran two very successful stand-up comedy fundraiser events to raise money for the Little Shelter of Long Island, which is a no-kill animal shelter in Suffolk County.  We raised several thousand dollars over the course of those events.  We’re big animal lovers, and to put on those two shows in the comedy club that I ran briefly was a great experience, and is something that I’m extremely proud of.

10) Tell me your favorite joke.

Well… you asked.  😉 (The Author is nervous)

I want you to picture a small town.  Just your average, run-of-the-mill, Anywhere, USA kind of place.  Not much to it.  It’s got a Main St, where the local grocery and the post office sits across from Mr. Miller’s Pharmacy (est. 1908.) Like something out of a Norman Rockwell painting.  And in this ordinary town, lived an 8-year-old boy.  And as you might suspect, life for this little 8 year old boy in this ordinary town was remarkably dull.  There’s not much to do when you live a small town life, so his life was filled with a number of mundane tasks that he essentially did to mark the hours of his life.  He’d get up, he’d shower, he’d eat breakfast, he’d get dressed, go to school, come home, do his homework, maybe see a friend or two, then go to bed, and do it all over again the next day.

One particular day, as he’s returning home from school, he sees something he hasn’t seen before.  It’s a sign nailed to a lamp-post.

And the sign reads “Circus coming… in one year!”

The boy runs home, excited about the news he’s learned!  And he’s excited because he knows that today may suck, tomorrowmay suck, and yes… the day after may suck as well, but in one year’s time, the circus is coming to town, and it’s going to be the end all, be all, greatest time of his life!

He counts down the months…

He counts down the weeks…

He counts down the days…

Finally, the day of the circus arrives!  The boy wakes up early, showers, and shaves for the 1st time (because he’s only 8 years old.)  And as he walks into town, he sees the tent, and its the biggest tent he’s ever seen in his life!  And he enters the tent, and its everything he ever could have imagined, and more!  A grander spectacle had never been witnessed in this sleepy little town!  In the left ring is a lion tamer, in the right ring is an acrobat, and in the center ring…

… is a clown.

And this clown is telling joke, and doing magic tricks, and making all of the boys and girls laugh and laugh.  And the point comes in the clown’s performance where he asks for a volunteer from the audience.  And who does the clown pick?  Yes… our little 8-year-old friend.  The boy goes down to the center ring, and the clown places his hand on the boy’s shoulder as he speaks.

“Boy… are you a dog,” asks the clown.

“No, clown,” replies the boy.

“Boy… are you a horse?”

“No, clown.”

“Boy, are you a cow?”

“No, clown.”

“Boy… are you a duck?”

“No, clown.”

The clown holds his finger in the air, as if he’s had a grand epiphany, and proclaims “WELL, THEN BOY… YOU MUST BE AN ASS!”

Everyone in the tent bursts into uproarious, hysterical laughter, and the boy runs out of the tent, completely crushed and devastated. His dream of magical and wondrous day has been turned into his worst nightmare come to life.  He runs home, bawling his eyes out and throws himself onto his bed.  And he makes a solemn vow to himself.  He vows that, one day, somewhere, he is going to exact his revenge on this clown; this painted villain that took away his dignity.  He doesn’t know how or where, but vengeance will be his.

He marks off the years of his adolescence in his small town hell like an inmate tracking time.  He finally graduates from high school, and goes off to college.  Not just any college, but the College of Quick Comebacks.  He studies his ass off for 4 long, grueling years, and manages to graduate 1st in his class, with honors, from the College of Quick Comebacks.  And after graduation, he returns to his small, ordinary home town.

He is now 21 years old.

And he just happens to have returned to town on the day that the circus has come back to town, as well.

And as he walks into town, he sees the tent, and its STILL the biggest tent he’s ever seen in his life!  And he enters the tent, and its STILL everything he ever could have imagined, and more!  A grander spectacle had never been witnessed in this sleepy little town!  In the left ring is a lion tamer, in the right ring is an acrobat, and in the center ring…

… is the clown.

And this clown is telling joke, and doing magic tricks, and making all of the boys and girls laugh and laugh.  And the point comes in the clown’s performance where he asks for a volunteer from the audience.  And who does the clown pick?  Yes… our now 21 year old friend.  He goes down to the center ring, and the clown places his hand on the boy’s shoulder as he speaks.

“Boy… and are a dog,” asks the clown.

“No, clown,” replies the boy.

“Boy… are you a horse?”

“No, clown.”

“Boy, are you a cow?”

“No, clown.”

“Boy… are you a duck?”

“No, clown.”

The clown holds his finger in the air, as if he’s had a grand epiphany, and proclaims “WELL, THEN BOY… YOU MUST BE AN ASS!”

And the boy turns to the clown and yells “FUCK YOU, CLOWN!  FUCK YOU!!!”

(THE AUTHOR IS LAUGHING SO HARD!)

Well, all, I hope you all enjoyed reading these questions and answers. I know I did! I really hope I can get my claws on some more members… I’ve got my eyes on you Magus Gilmore…

 

Have a wonderful rest of your day, my Demonic Darlings.

HS!

LH