I Have Friends in TST

Hey, friends, how’s it going? I just woke up so this post might seem like I’m tired and that’s because I am. My Grandma is having me paint her fence today and I want to get it done early because I’m using the money to get my cheese nips pierced. Anyway.

So, I’m a Member of the Church of Satan, which was founded in 1966 by High Priest Anton LaVey. Satanism is a religion of individuals, which means the Church doesn’t take stances on ideals that might be coming up through the ages such as politics. One thing they do stand by, though, is the hard separation of Church and State- they even pay their taxes!

Often times, we get confused with The Satanic Temple, which is very different. That’s like confusing “The Room” with “Room”. They veeeery different movies. In my research, I’ve found that The Satanic Temple was founded in order to push the government’s buttons. During an interview with The New York Times, Malcom Jerry, one of the co-founders, said that he wanted to create a religion “that met all the Bush administration’s criteria for receiving funds, but was repugnant to them”. The Temple was founded in 2012 and began demonstrations in 2013.

Here are their tenets:

  • One should strive to act with compassion and empathy towards all creatures in accordance with reason.
  • The struggle for justice is an ongoing and necessary pursuit that should prevail over laws and institutions.
  • One’s body is inviolable, subject to one’s own will alone.
  • The freedoms of others should be respected, including the freedom to offend. To willfully and unjustly encroach upon the freedoms of another is to forgo one’s own.
  • Beliefs should conform to our best scientific understanding of the world. We should take care never to distort scientific facts to fit our beliefs.
  • People are fallible. If we make a mistake, we should do our best to rectify it and remediate any harm that may have been caused.
  • Every tenet is a guiding principle designed to inspire nobility in action and thought. The spirit of compassion, wisdom, and justice should always prevail over the written or spoken word.

Now, though I don’t agree with The Satanic Temple, nor do I wish to shit on them, I don’t need politics in my religion. But, I’m not here to talk about me today. It’s time, instead, for the latest entry in…

end of MY rope

Today, we are speaking to Tim Miller, who is a member of The Satanic Temple. Tim is also author with titles such as Satan’s Highway, Snuff Film, and Coulrophobia but he did NOT direct Deadpool. According to his bio, “Tim Miller is a horror author with over 40 books in print in the U.S. and Germany. He lives in Texas which provides him lots of scary locations and ideas to pass on to his readers. His trusty sidekick, a chihuahua named Sancho, sits by his side and supervises his writing activities”.

Tim can be found on Twitter and probably other social media platforms, but I know him from Twitter, so. According to his website, Timmiller.org, he loves interacting with fans so go bug him.

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These girls both look like Charlie from Supernatural!

So, please put your hands together for the wonderful Tim Miller!

1) How do you define Satan?
To me Satan is the symbol of rebellion and nonconformity. It means to be our best selves and walk our own path. Not the path everyone else is walking, or telling us to walk.
2) Do any of your family know you’re a Satanist?
My wife and kids know, though not sure if they realize how serious I take it. THey realize I’m a non-theist so I’m not out sacrificing goats which is the important thing!
3) Do you have any creative projects you are currently working on?
I’m writing a book right now called Texas T-Rex where government experiments on genetically engineered dinosaurs go horribly wrong.
4) If the Evil Wizard that haunts this blog told you that he was forcing you to live either 100 years in the past or 100 years in the future, which would you pick and why?
Oh god, I’m not sure which would be worse. I know the past was pretty bad, so let’s go with the future and hope we’ve evolved past our current dystopian hellscape.
5) What made you decide to join The Satanic Temple?
I’ve known about them and their work for a few years. I joined both TST and LaVeyan Facebook groups over time and thought of getting involved a few years ago, but was concerned about it coming back on my writing career as a Satanist. With everything that has happened in the world the past few years, I wanted to do more to get involved, that it was more important than ever to fight for free speech and equality now, but didn’t want to be overtly political like 3/4 of the people online. So I went back to the TST, did more reading and talking to members and decided this would be the way to go.
6) What are your three favorite scary movies?
Hmm, I like so many Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Sinister, and Martyrs.
7) What in your life are you the most proud of?
I would say my kids, my books I’ve written and my service in the Marines years ago.
8) What is your biggest phobia?
SNAKES!
9) How do you celebrate Halloween?
We usually try to go all out. I set up a table with a fake dead body in our driveway and dress up while wife hands out candy and we scare kids. It’s a lot of fun. Last year it rained though, so cut down on our festivities.
10) What is your go-to karaoke song?
Oh hell I haven’t done Karaoke in so long! I wouldn’t even know what they play anymore. Probably something 80s or 90s.
That’s all for today, folks! I have to get ready to paint a fence in the hot, hot sun. Yay?
HS!
LH

I’m Going to be Interviewed!

Hey, guys, before I get into this infernal interview, I want to be a little vain. I was going to say “hope that’s alright with you” but I don’t really care and I’m going to do it anyway!

As I said briefly in my last post, I am going to be interviewed by our wonderful Reverend Campbell on his podcast Speak of the Devil!

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This hottie is Reverend Campbell

This is really exciting for me because, well, I’m a baby Satanist and people actually give a shit about Reverend Campbell. This will be a live interview and will start at 7pm PST. You’ll be able to comment and we will comment back in real-time, so it should be a really fun conversation. I hope to see you there!

Okay, all of that out of the way, it’s time for our newest…

end of MY rope

Our latest victim is NOT a member of the Church of Satan as of right now, but that may change. Ya never know. Until then, let us welcome our Satan-Friendly friend Marco S. into the pit!

1) What is your relationship with the Church of Satan?
I’m not a card-carrying member, but I’ve considered myself a Satanist since I was about 19, I’m 37 now.
2) How did you first discover Satanism?
I specifically remember when my neighbor (mentor, band mate and long time metal brother) lent me a Dimmu Borgir album, Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, I was a little intrigued by this verses:
Whispering voices, summoning screams
Waiting for Satan to bless their sins
Blackhearted angels fallen from grace
Possessed by the search for utter darkness
That was completely new to me, asking for Satan’s blessing and at the same time wanting to search for utter darkness, willing to sin again. This was strange because I grew up with my grandmother in a Catholic family and even though I stopped believing in God since I was 14 or 15, I never thought these words could represent anything other than “going against God”, which at that point I considered just bullshit.
After a quick online search I found information about the Church of Satan and asked my friend’s mom (who was very liberal) to order a Satanic Bible from Amazon for me. I grew up in Mexico and at the time I didn’t have a credit card, and there was no way my dad was gonna buy this for me. Naturally when I read the book I realized what most of us do at some point, it spoke to me, it spoke about me.
3) What are your favorite book?
I love many, many books, there’s an obvious spot reserved for the Satanic Bible, because it opened my eyes to who I really am, and it gave me comfort when I realized that being a misfit and an outlier is not “wrong”, it only means you don’t fit in the status quo, it’s an advantage.
Also I have to mention Psychomagic by Alejandro Jodorowsky, with that book I discovered the power of the mind, the power of the palpable change you can create for yourself and your own reality without the need to summon anything or anyone with supernatural powers. In this same tone but as pure fiction, I loved The Teachings of Don Juan by Carlos Castaneda, pretty much any Castaneda book has a magical power that’s hard to contain.
A short list should also include Vonnegut’s The Sirens of Titan, Malcolm Gladwell’s David and Goliath, Carl Sagan’s The Demon Haunted World and Gabriel Garcia Marquez’ Cronica De Una Muerte Anunciada.
4) What would you do if you were suddenly placed into a horror film, such as The Evil Dead?
I’m not a big fan of horror, I’ve never watched that movie so I assume I’ll just try to… survive? I don’t now.
5) Do you have any pets?
Not at the moment, I had dogs growing up, although I get along really well with cats too.
6) Are you currently working on any projects?
Aside from my 9-5 job I always try to have side gigs to keep my mind distracted, I’ve been teaching myself how to code for about a year now so I try to find things that will help me improve on that ability. At the moment my biggest project would be updating my online portfolio building the site from scratch!
7) If a spaceship landed and asked you to take them to your leader, to whom would you take them?
Oh well… it would be a difficult choice but I would probably go with a scientist, Neil deGrasse Tyson, Brian Greene or someone of the like. Someone who is more likely to know what to do in a situation like that rather than someone actually in power. People in power are not always the smartest you know…
8) Do you like to travel? If so, where?
I do like to travel, me and my wife would hop on trains or planes for short stays in small and big cities in the North East, we have yet to go to the West Coast. Lately I’ve been going to Ukraine a few times per year, visiting great cities and places over there. Poland, Germany and Egypt are in our list.
9) What would you like Non-Satanists to know about Satanists?
I’m not sure about this one. I don’t mind if most people don’t know what Satanism is, as long as they don’t use us as a scapegoat or an excuse for their own ridiculous behavior. Maybe it would be good for them to know that this is not an obscure sect and we definitely don’t sacrifice babies? It’s appalling the amount of people who associate that with Satanists, but then again, the average person is really stupid.
10) Which of the Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth speaks to you the most?
I try to guide myself by all of them, but if I had to pick one that represents who we are it would be the 11th Rule, it was the first one I read somewhere on the internet, and I absolutely loved it. I think it broadly defines a simple but powerful way to look at life; to me it’s about two things, one is the idea that you should live your life without messing with anyone, and two is that everyone deserves respect until they prove otherwise (sometimes the proof comes VERY quickly).
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Alright, kids, that’s it for the day! I’ve got a long week ahead of me and I’m already running late. I hope you loved reading this interview as much as I did!
HS!
LH

I’m Pissed

So, I’m scoring along on Twitter today and I’m seeing the usual crap about Trump and some stuff about the Yanni vs Laurel thing (Fuck y’all I’m team Lauren) when all of a sudden I see an article about a teacher who decided it would be a good idea to drown two raccoons in front of his freaking students.

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Not these, but they looked like this.

YUP! You read that right! Let me give you the full story.

So this teacher, Dewie Brewton, who has been teaching at the school for 34 years, caught two raccoons in traps that had allegedly killed a few of the school’s chickens. So, after he had them trapped, he had students help him fill up a tub with water and assist him in holding the cages in the water as the animals fought to breathe, eventually succumbing to their fate.

This is unacceptable and I hope this teacher is fired as soon as possible. Let me explain a few things. My dad is a hunter and performs predator control where he will trap, hunt, kill, or relocate animals depending on what the situation is. Would he have killed the raccoons? Probably.

Here’s the difference: My Dad is not cruel. He doesn’t want these animals to suffer and is really hard on himself if he doesn’t give an animal a clean, quick death. Also, he doesn’t do It around students! Also, his damn job was to kill the animals who were causing harm to livestock or threatening communities.

Mr. Brewton’s job is to teach. I’m a teacher and I know that the job requires more teaching about life and the way the world works than actual math or science lessons. The teacher should have shown the students that animals are only doing what they are doing to survive. He should have showed them how wild they are and how we have to have compassion for animals.

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Unholy FUCK they’re cute. 

Here’s what I would have done. I would have brought the students out to see the animals. We would have spoken about what they look like, why they would kill the chickens, what they are acting like, and what they might be doing if they weren’t hanging out with us. Then I would have loaded them up into my car and taken them to a wooded area and set them free.

Maybe that’s just because I’m a Satanist and I value life for all. Maybe it’s because I’m a sucker for those Trash Ninjas. Who knows?

I’ll be posting a video later, my Lovely Devils. Stay tuned.

HS!

LH

I’m Having Some Issues at Work

Not because of my being a Satanist. Actually, the central issue in the argument has nothing to do with it, but how I am reacting has EVERYTHING to do with Satanism.

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From Church of Satan Website

I would like to draw your attention to rule 4: “If a guys in your lair annoys you, treat him cruelly and without mercy”. This has been popping up a lot in mind because of some drama going on at work with a coworker. Let’s call him Joe.

Joe works as the shop teacher there so is in charge of the Set Design for the school plays. As the Drama Teacher, I am in charge of literally the rest. I am having the students act as the Director so that they get as much experience as they can in each aspect of the theatre.

So, as we get closer to Open, Joe has been coming to rehearsal. I was fine with this until he started telling me what to do. Then, as I was working, he told me to stop and come do what he wanted me to do. After I nicely told him that I was going to continue what I was doing, he put my stuff away so that I had no other choice.

After we finished rehearsal, Joe then decided it was okay to tell the students that they weren’t working hard enough. This shocked me enough but then he continued. Joe then told them (The HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS) that they were going to put on “an amateur show” which was “going to be a disaster”.

Wow. You don’t even say that shit to professional actors, let alone students. This happened Friday. I decided to give him a day or two to apologize to the students since we work in the same school district. He didn’t.

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First picture in my office

Today was the last straw. Today, Sunday, he decided to yell at the students to tell them to be quiet. This doesn’t work in theatre because the actors think you’re talking to them and they’ll lower their voices. I was hammering on the set, too, because stuff needed to be finished so I was doing it. This is funny because HE is the set designer and yet I was the one doing what needed to be done. I looked at the kids and nicely said “quiet back stage, please” which is the proper why to address the situation. Then I started working again.

Joe the decided to throw a tantrum. He stood up, shoved his crap into his bag, and left, slamming the door on his way out. The room went silent. So, I decided to send the following email:

“I would like to take a moment to address your behavior over the last few days, as well as remind you, or teach you, a few things about how the theatre functions.
One thing I tell the students is that “There is no room for negativity in creativity”. This means that any issues we are facing should be dealt with in a way that is constructive. Telling these students that they are going to put on a show that is a “disaster” is not acceptable. A lot of the issues they are facing currently are from being nervous. Our job is to dash those concerns, not make them worse.
I would also like to remind you of the age of these students. They are children who are just starting out their acting careers. Telling them they are going to put on an amateur show is hurtful because they are amateurs and expecting any more than amateur work from them is asking too much.
Another issue I’m facing is how you have inserted yourself into rehearsal in a way that I am rather uncomfortable with. Now, I know that nerves are on edge as we get closer to open, but I feel that you are projecting these fears onto the students in an unhelpful way. As the Set Designer, I understand coming in and making sure the set flows well, but that is where your role ends. Stephen is the Director and I am the Producer, so if you have any questions or concerns, they should be directed towards either of us in a private manner.
Our job, in the end, is to guide them and be models for how they should act. The comments you’ve made during rehearsal, as well as the body language I’ve witnessed, has made the students uncomfortable. This means that they are not putting out their best work and not getting the most out of their rehearsal time. Since you have not, I feel as if I should prompt you to apologize to the students, because your words have had a negative impact that is hard for them to move past and I feel they deserve an apology.
All of these things in mind, I feel as if I have to ask you not to come to rehearsal anymore. We are very close to the finish line now and we need to be able to focus and feel comfortable in the theatre as we go into Tech Week.
Thank you very much for your wonderful set designs.
LH”

Now, I would like to bring your attention back to the Fourth Satanic Rule of the Earth. I know some of you are thinking that my lair is my house, but that’s not how I see it. Yes, he and I share a school district, but he is the shop teacher. We are in the Theatre. As the Drama teacher, I spend a lot of time in that theatre with those kids and we have ways of doing things that we are used to. More than that, those who are familiar with Theatre will understand that the Set Designer is near the end of the list of people who should be telling actors what to do, let alone stepping on toes.

I would also like to point out that I was very kind as I wrote this, but I did not show any mercy. I am not going to back down from this and if he does try to enter my lair again, I will get more stern. I hate it when people tell me what to do and I hate it when people disrespect those important to me. I hate it.

Joe is about to learn what it means to mess with a Satanist.

I hope you all enjoyed this and I would love to hear how you would have handled the situation. Especially you, Reverend Campbell.

HS!

LH

 

(PS- My car is an extension of my lair. Don’t fuck with shit).

I Can Do This All Day

Seriously, getting to do these interviews is such an honor. Not only does it allow me to learn more about Satanism from different perspectives, but I also get to make connections within the Satanic communities.

I also want to get our voices out there. Satanists aren’t a quiet people, but we also don’t bother people unless they asked to be bothered. These interviews allow me to show the universe what is really going on in our heads.

So, without further ado, I present the latest…

Infernal Interview

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Gareth Nelson

Our latest victim is Gareth Nelson. He so kindly sent me the above picture so I wouldn’t have to go searching for it. Gareth is, like me, just a regular member waiting for the Active Member application to come back (Soon…).

1) How did you discover you were a Satanist?
At around 14 I started trolling people in school by pretending to be a “satanist” and saying I worship the devil etc etc, then a friend told me “you know Satanists don’t actually worship the devil, right?” and encouraged me to read the satanic bible, which I did overnight – that night I remember thinking “how on earth did this LaVey guy read my mind?”.
I then started calling myself a Satanist, but accurately.
Then at 17 I applied to join the CoS, I was accepted as a registered member at 18 and I’m now 30.
2) Is there a part of the Satanic Bible in particular that speaks to you?
Book of Satan IV, do I need to give the full quote?
Life is a truly precious thing, the most valuable and precious thing in the entire universe to me is my own life.
3) If you were the opposite sex, how would you style your hair?
Long and dyed pink, because that’s hot. Which reminds me, next time my wife dyes her hair I must encourage her to go pink again.
4) Is there anything about Satanism you’d like Non-Satanists to know?
You’ve had the usual answers from others you’ve interviewed: we’re atheists, we’re not those parasites (you know who I mean).
What I would say is “Satanists don’t have to like each other” – although we do often tend to get along, it’s actually expected even amongst members of the CoS that some Satanists will just not like or downright hate each other.
The other thing I’d like people to know is that we seriously mean it when we say we’re against racism – racism is collectivist, we care about individuals. Most of them are dumbasses, so it’s not about “we’re all the same inside”, it’s more “your ethnic group is irrelevant”.
I’ve noticed a weird tendency recently to make out that the CoS is some sort of neo nazi group, naturally we’re nothing of the sort – but the herd will never truly “get it” anyway. The comments on social media (such as on Twitter) are definitely a strong reminder of how different we are, non-satanists truly do seem to have some kind of reasoning deficit and it’s sometimes a little scary.
5) What is your favourite band?
Can I name two? If I had to name only one, I mainly listen to Nine Inch Nails – I often call Trent Reznor’s music my “coding fuel” – it’s the stuff I blast on headphones while coding stuff people consider impossible.
As a diversion, I happen to consider software to be a form of magic, there’s a reason why complex and clever code is often referred to by coders as “black magic” – I would say that they’re onto something.
If I could name two, I’d also name Jimi Hendrix as well. That’s almost a cliché amongst guitarists (I’m a guitarist myself) to name Hendrix (or Steve Vai), but the man was truly a genius with the things he did, some of which is near impossible to replicate without a lot of practice and hard work.
6) If kittens had stingers, would you still love them?
I’d love them even more, cats are already satanic little fuckers with claws and a full command of lesser magic (“I’m cute and fluffy, obey me and feed me”) – imagine if they backed that up with stingers, they’d form little kitten armies and dominate the world. (The Author like this idea)
7) Do you have a piece of Satanic merch that is your favorite?
I’m not big on “merch” to be honest, my ritual chamber has some basic stuff in it – a Baphomet cloth, black candles and ritual blade etc, if that counts as “merch”.
That said, I am quite fond of the “Proud CoS member” t-shirt from iSatanist, it’s somewhat childish but I love the odd looks I get when wearing it in public – even better when helping my disabled son get around in his wheelchair, it really messes with people’s mental image of what a Satanist is. (Hell yeah)
8) When was the last time you performed a ritual?
I don’t like to discuss rituals in public, at least not in detail, I will say that as time goes on I find myself entering the ritual chamber less often and relying more on lesser magic to get what I want.
I do still sometimes ritualise on top of more mundane manipulation tactics, or where I feel I’ve gone “off-track” in some way.
9) If you could only drink one beverage for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Caffeinated virgin mojito – absolutely love the taste of mojito, but hate alcohol. Best times in my life have been when I’ve had my brain operating at peak capacity and my intellect is very precious to me, so i’ve never enjoyed being drunk.
Caffeine on the other hand, caffeine is awesome – and so is the taste of mint and lime. Especially served icy cold with a nice sirloin steak and soft cheese.
Excuse me while I fantasize about steak….
10) Define Satan.
Satan is me.
Ok, let me elaborate – Satan is a symbol for my potential, that little voice inside pushing me to do better, to be greater than I am. Satan is my inner drive, the black flame – to put it less poetically, Satan is a symbol that I strongly identify with.
In christian mythology Satan is the guy who pointed to Jehovah and said “you are wrong”. That is only one mythology among many, LaVey pointed out many examples of the devil archetype in different cultures. The point is, Satan is a role model, something to aspire to – the outsider.
Satanism is ultimately about a brutal rejection of spiritual delusion and a celebration of reality as it actually is, and Satan is the symbol of those of us who make that rejection.
Ladies and Gents, Boos and Ghouls, I hope you’re still loving these and haven’t yet gotten sick of me… No you can never get sick of me. I really love that people are willing to answer my silly questions with thoughtful answers. We are learning a lot together.
Two more Infernal Interviews are lined up, but I’m sure more are coming after that.
Have a Sinful Sunday, Loves.
HS!
LH

Here’s my “Interview With The Hampire”

First things first. I did not create the title. My current interview victim did.

I was going to save this one for tomorrow, but since this morning’s post was, uh, interesting, I decided to end today on a really positive note. I’ve been doing these interviews with people who are members of the Church of Satan and while they have been so much fun, I also have a selfish reason for doing them. It helps me learn.

I’m a Baby Satanist. I’ve only been calling myself a Satanist for a year and a half now and became a Member of the Church of Satan just a few months ago. Right now, I’m still, and will always be, studying and attempting to learn. I know what I think Satanism is about, but no two Satanists are alike, which means I have a lot to learn.

That being said, here is our newest victim in what will hopefully be a long line of interviews. I proudly present: *Trumpet Sounds*

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“Politically Incorrect Curmudgeon” – His own damn twitter

Church of Satan Warlock Robert Leuthold

Sit back, turn down the lights, and enjoy…

1) Why did Satanism appeal to you before you joined the Church of Satan? 

I read a King Diamond interview way back in ’97 and got the Satanic Bible (my first copy of many) shortly afterwards.  I was all of seventeen, so I went right into First Phase, with the expected disastrous results.

I read the book again in my mid-twenties, with a lot more maturity and life experience,  It all made sense, and I saw myself reflected in the Satanic Bible.  Little did my Catholic Mom know she raised me as one.

2) Which of the 11 Satanic Rules of the Earth speaks to you the most?
With the social climate of late, I’d say “Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal” Consent is key.  Satanists are supposed to be the highest embodiment of human life, after all.  You can’t project that while being a creeper who ignores consent.
3) Is there a misconception people have about disabilities that you’d like to clear up?

Just one?

Well, there are a few.  First and foremost, bluntly:

There’s a pretty big misconception that the wheelchair somehow affects my dick, it doesn’t (once you go gimp, you walk with a limp, after all).

Second, some Satanists misconstrue the concept of Might Is Right, and somehow think that my disability somehow makes me unfit to be a Satanist.  That logic is as lame as my legs. (You made me snort laughing)

 

4) If there was a Spaceship in the sky about to fire the lasers, what would you do? 
Join the aliens and pick out targets.  First?  Justin Bieber.
5) What about Satanism would you like Non-Satanists to understand? 
Non-Satanists never will, it’s like kicking water uphill, or trying to make me ballroom dance.  Aside from the obvious atheism, and that the statue guys aren’t us?  That Satanists aren’t drug addled illiterate metal heads that sacrifice animals.
6) Are you working on any projects right now? 
7) What in your life are you the most proud of?

Surviving until 40, since I was born prematurely and not expected to live the night.

I’ve seen, and befriended bands I’m a fan of (M Gira of Swans, Mayhem, and rotting Christ to name a few.  Attending year 50 two years ago was a massive high point, too. (Jealous)

 

8) If you could only eat one dessert for the rest of your life, what would it be? 
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.
9) Do you have a favorite genre of book to read? 
Graphic Novels.  I’m that rare breed that likes Marvel and DC.
10) Define Satan. 
Satan is symbolic of the human animal’s carnal nature and rebellious spirit.  Not some being to be worshipped or groveled to, but an archetype to aspire to.
I hope you found reading these answers as fun as I did! There’s nothing I love more than somebody who not only answers a question thoughtfully, but also funnily.
If you’d like to know more about our wonderful Warlock, check out The Metal Grotto, or you can follow Robert on Twitter, Here.
If you are a Member of the Church of Satan and would like to also be interviewed, just shoot me an email at L.hipp94@gmail.com (You can’t hide from me forever, Gilmore)
Have a Fantastic day, Little Lucifers! I love you all!
HS!
LH

So Can You!

Okay, I straight up stole that title from Stephen Colbert’s I Am America (And So Can You!), which is a really fun book and can be found here. I highly, highly recommend it if you haven’t read it yet.

But that’s not why we are here! Oh, no, I’m here because I feel the need to tell you about how Satanic you are. Don’t worry, I’m not trying to get you to join the Church of Satan or start calling yourself a Satanist because, odds are, you’re not. But damn, people these days are so Satanic that it makes me laugh when they shit on the Church of Satan.

First off, lets me real, you are all selfish. Yeah, it’s true. Don’t worry, I am, too. Obviously I want the best for me because I have to live my life, not you. Thus, if you really don’t matter to me, then I’ll probably help myself before I help you. It’s nothing personal, I just don’t know 99.9% of the people on Earth.

This is not to say I don’t like to be kind, it’s just for a selfish reasons that I help people. For example, If I have enough money during the holidays, I like to get a few chicken meals (including potatoes, bread, a veggie, and a drink) and give them to homeless people I see around town. I can’t do it very often, but I like doing it because it makes me feel good. Yeah, I am owning up to it. I do things people would consider “philanthropic” because I like the feeling of seeing people happy for something I did.

I also don’t NOT care about people on Earth I don’t know, I do, I just need to take care of me and the people around me before I help the rest of the universe. And my selfishness extends to those close to me. I’d be disappointed if a coworker gets a promotion over my Mother or if my Little Sister got her heart-broken. My friends live within my circle of selfishness, as does my partner. Sound familiar?

blackthorne-eleven-rules-earth-lg-2
From The Church of Satan Free Downloads

Now, I’ll give you a moment to read all the way through the above picture. Okay, now do it again. Most of them seem like pretty common sense and that’s because they have been carefully constructed to mathematically– No I’m shitting with you, they are just basic common sense. So let’s look at these one by one.

1- This one may be the one I wish most Non-Satanists would learn because it really annoys me when people try to fix things for me when all I need for them to do is listen. Does that make sense? If a friend/coworker/family member/ whatever and I are talking and they ask about a problem I may be having. If I decide to confide it them, I don’t need them to fix whatever is happening, but just listen. If I want to know how you’d fix it, I’ll ask.

2- This is just an extension of the first. Don’t just start telling me about your Sister’s affair out of nowhere, Brenda, all you did was hand me a divider at the Fred Meyer checkout line.

3- I love the word “Lair” in this because it sounds so dark, but it really just means somebody’s space. I say SPACE and not HOUSE because I consider several spaces an extension of my lair. These spaces include my office, my classroom, my personal space, and my car. Don’t touch the stereo.

4- I love the wording in this one, too, because it makes it seem as though I’m going to be throwing somebody in my oven for sneezing on my face. No, but if you sneeze on my face a few times I might as you to leave. If you don’t, then you might be thrown into the oven… Kidding. (Or am I?)

5- THIS IS SO IMPORTANT! Nothing sexual unless you’ve been given consent. I like “Mating Signal” because when I am dating somebody, we can pretty much give consent by using body language and I always make sure whomever I am with knows that they can stop or say no anytime they way. Never force things on people.

6- Don’t steal… Just don’t steal…

7- This one may be the only one that Non-Satanists won’t nod their head at. The way I explain this is as follows: We use the placeholder word “Magic” to describe something we don’t yet have a name for in science. That being said, if you perform a ritual and it goes the way you want, tip your hat to the Devil.

I say magic may also be real, but very small, like being able to make the best cup of coffee in the office even though the water comes from the same place and the beans are the same. (If you’re a high-ranking CoS Member and I am WAAAY off, please tell me).

8- Oh I love this one so much. Have an awful friend who is sucking the life out of you but you keep going back for some reason, you don’t get to complain. Get rid of that Psychic Vampire and move on. Didn’t bother to vote? Then shut up. Start doing something about it.

9- Come on…

10- Again, this is easy. Animal is attacking you? Do anything you can to survive. Starving? Kill an animal to survive. Satanism is a life-loving religion. That being said, don’t hurt animals.

11- Like the first Rule of the Earth, this one is really important. Leave people alone in public and if somebody starts bugging you, tell them to stop. If they don’t leave you be when you ask nicely, SET THEM ON FIRE- No, don’t do that. BUT at that point you are allowed to get mean… or meaner. Just make sure you’re within your rights. Don’t break any laws.

SEE! A lot of these things are common sense to good people! Satanists are good people and a lot of good people are very Satanic, though not Satanists. Remember, Satanists are born, not made.

This is why I get pissed when people look at me in horror or stop talking to me when they find out I’m a member of the Church of Satan because they think I’m dancing with the Devil while eating babies and sacrificing cats. Just do some research and you’ll realize that all I am guilty of is being awesome.

Have a wonderful Walpurgisnacht, my Dearest Devils!

HS!

From Hell,

LH